Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/21/17

GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM.

Whoops, sorry, still America.  Close enough these days.

Did you domestic servants miss me?  Over the last couple of months, your old friend The Chairman has been in the kitchen, cookin up some bigtime deals.  He’s also spent some time in the bathroom, flushing the competition.  AND he’s been in the laundry room, laundering money.  Don’t look in the basement…

BUSINESS.

Uber CEO (and noted asshole) Travis Kalanick has resigned.  He will be replaced by the world’s first ever self-driving CEO.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has been named a “person of interest” in the ongoing investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia in last year’s presidential election.  Kushner has responded by selling several million dollars in real estate to the Russian government.

Boy, am I glad you installed that dashcam, Anna from security!  You’re a real Tawny Kitaen on that hood.

Roger Moore, star of seven James Bond films, has died.  He will be replaced by Daniel Craig.

In comedian Bill Cosby’s high-profile sexual assault case that ended in a mistrial last week, Cosby’s defense team stunned everyone by resting after just six minutes.  The decision shocked even Cosby himself, who told reporters, “I didn’t expect the pills to work that quickly.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “My Super Sharia Sweet Sixteen.”

A new study shows that drinking non-dairy instead of dairy milk may stunt children’s growth.  The study is based on the fact that there are zero professional basketball players from Park Slope.

The California state senate recently passed a bill that would give all of the state’s citizens access to public healthcare, as well as 1% of the gross.

Today is the longest (work)day of the year!  Doesn’t the sun just make everything better?  ESPECIALLY being inside.

Tiger Woods says he’s seeking “professional help” after being arrested last month for driving under the influence.  In the process, Woods has coined the greatest euphemism for prostitution in history.

Bloomberg News is reporting that, during the 2016 US election, Russian hackers were able to breach the voting systems of 39 separate states.  Experts worry that attacks could continue into the future, and may even influence who is elected president.

Who wants to join me in the bedroom?  It’s not harassment if it’s a metaphor!

-The Chairman

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