Happy Mother’s Day, ungrateful brats! You didn’t think I’d let a whole week go by without a memo, did you? I was simply waiting for the day when we may celebrate the greatest mother of all: a woman who was, truly, more than a woman. A woman by whose example we lead our own lives and guide the lives of others, through self-empowerment and righteous defense of the ideals of liberty, freedom, and liberty. A woman whose tireless devotion to ideological purity leads all of us to strive for racial, sexual, and ethnic domination above all other superficial concerns, forever and ever:
Israel won this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Lisbon, Portugal. The victory proves that peace in the Middle East is possible, by moving Israel to Europe.
Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, who plays The Mountain on the hit show Game of Thrones, has been named the World’s Strongest Man. As a reward, the show’s creators have written his character a threesome with his aunt and sister.
Enjoy today while you can, Anna from Finance! The company health plan doesn’t cover your son’s treatments.
Police in California believe they’ve finally apprehended the infamous “Golden State Killer,” LeBron James.
Donald Trump’s former doctor admitted last week that Trump himself dictated a glowing letter about his own health back in 2015. In related news, Melania Trump’s former doctor admitted the First Lady is not an African-American woman named Michelle.
Jerry, breast milk is not tax deductible.
Under Donald Trump’s watch, the US National Debt recently climbed above $21 trillion for the first time. Trump cited the news as proof of his commitment to running the government like one of his businesses.
Charlie Rose is reportedly in talks to host an interview series focusing on men brought down by the #MeToo movement. It is tentatively titled Charlie Rose is an Idiot.
Happy Mother’s Day, banana slugs!
A Swedish decluttering method known as “death cleaning” is gaining popularity worldwide. “It’s very simple:” author Margareta Magnusson writes in her book, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, “If you touch it, it goes.”
In a recent report geared towards biotech companies, investment bank Goldman Sachs pondered whether curing patients of chronic diseases is “a sustainable business model.” “If these patients don’t eventually die from their high-cost managed diseases,” analysts warned, “we will have precious few janitorial staff at our main office in hell.”
Remember: rape isn’t rape if it’s hot.