Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/20/19

Good Afternoon Low-Level Functionaries,

It has come to my attention that I’ve been derelict in my duties, and I must send a long-overdue update on the current state of affairs:

I’m havin ‘em!

Business!

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin voiced his displeasure with the New York Giants trading Odell Beckham Jr. last week on his blog, sarcastically saying that the team is “GOING FOR IT ALL, clearly.” “Maybe we’ll arbitrarily bring Odell back,” Giants GM Dave Gettleman shot back on Twitter, “like John Snow.”

Speaking at a news conference last week, Utah Congressman Rob Bishop said “the ideas behind the Green New Deal are tantamount to genocide.” “Read between the lines,” Bishop told the crowd, “‘carbon emissions’ equals ‘white people.’”

Anna from Groundskeeping, is that Hydnora africana or are you just happy to see me?

A new study published in The Lancet Psychology suggests that using marijuana every day, especially high-potency cannabis, increases the chances of having a psychotic episode. For purposes of the study, researchers defined a psychotic episode as “the conscious decision to attend a concert by Phish, Dead & Co., Gov’t Mule, or any other of a number of objectively terrible jam bands.”

A 700-pound alligator was found in Georgia last week and subsequently euthanized. The decision to put the animal down was made over vociferous objections from the TLC network, which had already greenlit a show in which the alligator had 90 days to lose 300 pounds in order to become the pageant queen it had always dreamed of being.

Jerry if, as you have asserted, Aristotle’s view of a twice-tethered human soul must be read in the strictest sense of the individual aspiring heavenward in hopes of a great reward and, indeed, to feast as the gods feast, then you must simultaneously acknowledge Aristotle’s selfsame assertion that it would and could ne’er be possible for mortals to achieve the singular (read: wingéd) soul composition afforded the gods by virtue of their very immortality, negating the precept on which your basic presumption is founded, thus rendering any further rational comment on the matter irreconcilable with your essential contention and, indeed, entirely precluding any reasonable foundation for debate on the matter.

A chemical fire that blanketed the city of Houston in black smoke for four days has finally been extinguished. Residents say the lack of regulatory oversight that allowed the fire to emit potentially noxious gas over a vast area for so long a time is a small price to pay for no state income tax.

In a post on his personal blogThe Wire creator David Simon ripped Hollywood agencies for their practice of “packaging” talent, negotiating for both sides of a deal in a manner that was widely exposed in the recent FOX lawsuit involving the TV show Bones. The post immediately ignited a bidding war between CAA and WME for the rights to Simon’s column, which they would then like to package with the judges in any future lawsuits filed against them.

Signups are open for our annual March Madness pool! I’m picking the University of Washington to win it all, cause after seeing Zac Efron play Ted Bundy how can you not love that guy?

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson has apologized after posting a video of himself on Instagram driving 105 MPH with no seatbelt. “I apologize, Ravens fans,” Jackson said in a subsequent post, “for not immediately discarding this video as I would have immediately discarded a cream-colored suit had I brutally murdered two people.”

A new study posits that the DNA of many inhabitants of the Iberian Peninsula was replaced around 2,500 BC with that of men from the Eurasian steppes. Donald Trump has hailed the study as “really big,” tweeting “BUILD THE WALL- OUR STEPCHILDREN MUST BE STOPPED.”

The only “infidelity” I know is when I stop into a branch of my favorite investment company… one that always puts its customers first!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 2/22/16

At ease, loyal serfs.

It has come to my attention that we’ve hired some new blood here at the company, and I for one would like to say: washaatke!  For the uninitiated, that’s “welcome” in Balochi, a language spoken only in a small and very secretive province of Iran.  Many of our new hires hail from this region, as they will work for cheap and have expertise in one increasingly important area: weaponizing nuclear materials.  Business!

English scientists have developed a new technique that allows massive amounts of data to be stored in small quartz discs for up to 14 billion years.  “We’re humbled, really,” said lead researcher Donald Fezziwick, “that we’ve finally been able to perfect the grand English tradition of keeping everything inside forever.”

Russia is considering repurposing some of its Cold War missile arsenal in order to destroy asteroids headed for Earth.  Russian President Vladimir Putin said he got the idea from the film Armageddon, which arrives in Russian theaters this fall.

Anna from HR, was that you at the Grammys?  “The Weeknd” is a weird stage name, but congratulations!  Love the new ‘do.

A van filled with $350,000 worth of rare books was stolen last week in Oakland.  The van was returned some three hours later after the thief discovered books of any kind have no value in Oakland.

Starting next month, the Chinese government will ban all foreign media companies from publishing material of an “informational and thoughtful nature” online without state approval.  Buzzfeed’s operations will remain unaffected.

No, Jerry, Omarosa should not run for president.

Scientists believe that North Korean nuclear testing could cause the country’s largest volcano, Mount Paekdu, to erupt.  Those same scientists estimate that such an eruption would leave the country better off than it is now.

A Waffle House waitress in Georgia has been arrested and charged with spiking a coworker’s drink with meth.  The accused, Sonserea Dawn Evans, claims she misunderstood her coworker’s request for a “chunked” Diet Coke.

Free donuts in conference room 3B!

A Utah bar owner has apologized after one of his employees refused service to two men because they were Polynesian.  “In my bartender’s defense,” said Jeremy Cloyd, owner of Willie’s Lounge in Salt Lake City, “they were Polynesian.”

Harper Lee, the iconic and reclusive author behind the classic American novel To Kill a Mockingbird, passed away Friday at the age of 89.  Moments after her expiration, publisher HarperCollins released several thousand limited edition, hand-signed copies of Lee’s last words, “Don’t ever publish these.”

UPDATE: The donuts are gone.

-The Chairman

PS- Now that these memos are, as the kids say, “back in effect,” I’m going against my dictatorial nature and taking suggestions as to what day of the week they should be sent to the masses.  Please email chairofthebored@gmail.com with your thoughts.  But don’t spam me, unless you crave the sweet release of death!

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