Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/6/18

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you laundered that money, remember?

The Ukrainians, the Russians… you name it. Who didn’t “look after” us in our time of need? Oh, and don’t worry, we “took care” of that journalist. As in… killed him. Dead. Deady dead. Night night. Oh- hey, Paul, can you hold on a second?

Hello, plebeians! Didn’t see you there. Just catching up with my old friend Paul Manafort on a VERY secure line. He is definitely NOT GUILTY. MANY LIVES RUINED BY THIS FAKE “RUSSIA” “PROBE!”

BUSINESS.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is stepping down. Sources say Schultz may run for president, where he would inherit a proud tradition of making black people feel unwelcome.

A Swedish nuclear physicist has created an app that acts as a contraceptive by using a mathematical algorithm to determine when it is safe to have unprotected sex. The app’s working title is “Babe, trust me.”

Everyone please welcome Anna from Finance back from her monthlong sabbatical in Thailand! Cholera is a small price to pay for all that relaxation.

Donald Trump canceled the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles’ planned visit to the White House yesterday. Though Trump said it was a response to the NFL’s national anthem protests, sources close to the reality host said he has feared unwanted guests ever since he was visited by three ghosts last Christmas.

Norway’s sovereign wealth fund, created to ensure financial stability for future generations, is now valued at $1 trillion. The country has been able to save so much by investing heavily in public schools, social services, and universal healthcare.

Jerry, you are not dating Grimes.

Irish citizens overwhelmingly voted to overturn their country’s ban on abortion last month, endangering the lives of no one.

A Republican candidate for governor of Massachusetts who believes the Holocaust was orchestrated by gay Nazis gained enough support at the party’s recent convention to appear on the ballot this fall. He is expected to receive as many votes as people he believes were killed in the Holocaust.

Great news! 90% of our workforce qualified for federal aid last year, up a whopping 6% from the year prior! As the kids say, keep gettin dem (government) checks!!

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho plans to simultaneously marry two women in a ceremony later this month. “As one of the greatest futbol players ever,” Ronaldinho said in a statement, “I am used to squeezing balls between two people.”

Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher of California recently declared his view that homeowners should be able to refuse to sell their houses to gay people. “I don’t know why gay people think they need a home,” Rohrbacher told reporters, “when all they really need is the closet.”

Wait, really? You and Putin did what?

Oh, Paul… you’re fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/16/18

Dearest underlings,

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers over the last several months. Good news: they worked! We have a war in the Middle Ea$t! 58 dead and counting! Tragically, of course. Very, very sad.

AAAAAAAAnywaaaaaaayyyy, when added to the ongoing conflict in $yria, this latest Pale$tinian-I$raeli clash should bring several new revenue streams into our purview. As they say: next year in Jeru$alem! If it still exists…

Business!

Donald Trump Jr., in the process of divorcing wife Vanessa, is reportedly dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Trump Jr. said he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father, who is blowing the network.

The “deodorant challenge,” a trend where teenagers spray aerosol deodorant onto each other’s bare skin to see who can endure it the longest, is causing second-degree burns. Officials have advised against it in every country except France, where they say participants should “use deodorant at all costs.”

Ramadan Mubarak, آنا from Accounting! Gotta fit into that burkini!

According to a new study by health insurer Cigna, most Americans are considered lonely. Cigna has since assured respondents it has many different health plans to combat said loneliness, starting at $2,000 a month.

Russian President Vladimir Putin scored 5 goals in an exhibition hockey game last week in Sochi. A reporter later asked Putin if the other team let him score, and was summarily hanged.

Jerry, it’s Yanny.

Red Sox pitcher David Price has denied allegations that he developed carpal tunnel syndrome from playing the video game Fortnite. “I don’t play that game too much,” Price told reporters Monday. “But boy, do I masturbate.”

A new study suggests the drug Ecstasy may be an effective treatment for PTSD. The controversial study is titled “Common Sense.”

In celebration of the Supreme Court’s virtual legalization of sports gambling, we’ve opened our very own sportsbook in Conference Room D! Free wings if you wager on the Browns!

The spread of an ancient skin-eating fungus that has been killing off large numbers of amphibians around the globe has been traced back to the Korean War. “I would like to express my sincere remorse,” Korean War veteran Daryl Johnston said in response to the discovery, “I should never have fucked that frog.”

After discovering a bug earlier this month, Twitter recommended all of its users change their passwords. Shortly thereafter, Sean Spicer tweeted, “TRuMpisInn0cent!$&1:)”

Anytime you can move the location of an embassy with only 58 dead, you simply must.

It’s $imple math.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/21/18

Happy second day of spring, vassals! Or, for those on the East Coast, first day of winter! Won’t it be great when climate change finally rids us of this infernal white pestilence forever?

Won’t be long now…

Business!

UN investigators have determined that Facebook played a significant role in the violent persecution of Rohingya Muslims in Myanmar. Mark Zuckerberg has responded by announcing a 12-village speaking tour in or near the country streaming live on Facebook Watch, as well as a donation of $1 million over the next 200 years to fight Tritanopia in the area.

Donald Trump Jr., whose wife Vanessa recently filed for divorce, reportedly had an affair with musician Aubrey O’Day while she was a contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice. O’Day is best known as the lead singer of Danity Kane, the band Trump Jr. would be if he were a band.

Anna from Accounting, are you the Blarney Stone? Cause after kissing you I just can’t stop talking about it! NOT good news for my marriage.

This week, for the first time, the Israeli military admitted to a 2007 strike on a suspected nuclear reactor site in Syria. “You know, we thought all you guys were crazy,” Israeli spokesman Chaim Lubovitch said of the admission, “but it does feel good to deny something.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the White House will have no comment on Vladimir Putin’s uncontested victory in Russia’s presidential election, saying the US “can’t dictate” how other countries choose their leaders. She then added, “That’s a one-way street.”

Jerry, you did not pick UMBC.

During a recent seminar, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner drank chocolate milk to illustrate the need for diversity in the workplace. “Personally, I thought it was tone deaf,” said HR rep James Brewer, who was in attendance at the event. “Everybody knows regular milk is better for you.”

A small dose of Viagra, administered daily, has been shown to reduce the risk of colorectal cancer in mice. Treated mice have also shown increased ability to fuck their way out of a maze.

Time for an update on our March Madness pool! It still hasn’t been cleaned, so please do NOT swim in it. Hope it’ll be ready by the Final Four!

Necco, the venerable confectioner behind the message hearts popular around Valentine’s Day, is preparing to close its Massachusetts factory. “It’s not a good climate for us right now,” CEO Michael McGee said in a statement. “We make the only candy that can get you fired.”

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that pornographic actress Stormy Daniels passed a 2011 polygraph test during which she said she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump. “This means nothing,” Trump lawyer Joseph diGenova said at a recent press conference. “As we’ve all seen, she’s a great actress.”

Hey, it’s better than nuclear winter!

That’s next spring.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/14/18

Gooooood morning, sports fans! As some of you are no doubt aware, the yearly roundball phenomenon known as “March Madness” begins tomorrow! I don’t know about you, but I can already taste the sweat…

Business!

Days after the Chinese Communist Party abolished term limits, allowing President Xi Jinping to continue ruling indefinitely, Donald Trump mused that he might “give that a shot” as well. “I’ve been saying it all along,” Trump told assembled reporters, “I’m a dictator!”

At a recent conference in Houston, Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that the US could either continue using fossil fuels or “go back to living like we were living in the mid-1800s.” Perry then added, “I mean, either is fine with me- I like oil but slavery rules.”

Watch out, Anna from Intelligence– the Russians are coming! Remember, if you suspect you’ve been poisoned by a military-grade nerve agent, stop, drop, and roll… yourself to a hospital immediately.

Washington has become the first US state to pass a law preserving net neutrality. As a result, all Internet traffic into and out of the state must be “neutrally” approved by Amazon.

In further Amazon news, CEO Jeff Bezos received the Buzz Aldrin Space Exploration Award at the Explorer’s Club Annual Dinner Saturday night in New York City. At the dinner, the current richest man in the world was seen eating iguana and ignoring widespread poverty.

Jerry, please stop referring to yourself as “the overall #1 seed.”

During his annual address to Russia’s parliament, President Vladimir Putin touted his country’s military might by showing an animation of nuclear missiles bearing down on Florida. When asked afterwards about the controversial video, Putin replied, “I tried to pick a neutral target- someplace no one would miss.”

Former President Barack Obama is in talks with Netflix about a possible “production partnership.” Netflix plans to sign Obama to two successive four-season deals, after which the platform will shut down completely.

Don’t forget to stop by our special Pi Day bake sale on the third floor! All proceeds benefit STEM education at our for-profit girls’ school in Rwanda. Help them help you!

Notorious “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to seven years in prison for securities fraud. A judge has since inflated the sentence to 125 years, just ‘cause.

Workers have uncovered several ancient, ornate chambers while working on Rome’s subway system. Though the chambers’ former purposes are unclear, they were believed to have been where emperors fornicated with porn stars.

What the fuck is a “Bonnie”?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/23/18

Cherokee Nation presents: The Thanksgiving Memo!

They’ve assured me that all is forgiven.  Business!

Donald Trump says he believes Vladimir Putin when the Russian president says his country did not meddle in the 2016 presidential election.  Trump also says he believes that Hillary Clinton actually won the 2016 election, and that she should be impeached.

Elsewhere in election meddling, a new report has uncovered disinformation campaigns in 18 countries’ elections since last year.  That number is expected to fall next year, as more countries become part of Russia.

I’ll have the dark meat, Anna from the cafeteria!  That means you 😉

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has interviewed top White House aide Stephen Miller as part of his investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election.  After the meeting, Mueller called Miller “cooperative” and “a complete sociopath.”

Ridesharing giant Uber reportedly paid hackers $100,000 not to release data stolen from 57 million of the app’s users in 2016.  The massive cover-up has been called the most ethical decision the company has ever made.

Jerry, it is not called “Brown Saturday.”

Facing an epidemic of deaths from hazing, many US colleges are suspending Greek life on campus.  “Just suspending, not disbanding,” Louisiana State University President F. King Alexander said in a statement.  “We’re not narcs.”

Rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs announced on Twitter that he has changed his name once again, this time to “Love A.K.A. Brother Love.”  He also revealed the name he really wanted, “Relevant Again,” was unavailable.

Did you know that a cornucopia is supposed to be made with a goat’s horn?  Neither did I, ‘til I spent Christmas with Ed from Accounting!  He’s a “Wiccan!”

Over 15,000 scientists have signed onto a new letter warning humanity of the disastrous effects of manmade climate change.  As a rebuttal, over 15,000 NRA members have signed onto a letter calling Barack Obama a Muslim.

Michael Oreskes, head of news at NPR, has resigned amidst allegations of sexual harassment.  Several women have accused Oreskes of “speaking in a soft, monotone voice” and “constantly soliciting donations.”

Without white people, the Indians would STILL be in jail in China.  Ungrateful fools!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/22/17

Good Morning,

Quick update on our March Madness pool: I did not fill out a bracket this year.

Business!

Hasbro, makers of Monopoly, have eliminated three of the game’s iconic tokens (including the beloved thimble) in an attempt to modernize the game.  In further modernization efforts, Hasbro has stopped production entirely.

A Ghanian soccer player is in trouble this week after thanking both his wife and his girlfriend after a recent match.  The player now claims that by “girlfriend” he meant his daughter, a nickname he said he learned from Donald Trump..

Anna from Accounting, how are those taxes coming?  Don’t forget we made a lot of our money in space.

Humpback whales have been gathering in unusually large numbers lately, prompting speculation over why.  “What they’re doing is perfectly natural,” new EPA head Scott Pruitt told reporters Monday.  “They want to congregate so that they can die together and, in a couple million years, become oil for us to use in our cars and jets.”

“Sesame Street” has debuted a new Muppet character with autism, whose name is Julia.  Or, as Donald Trump calls her, “vaccine Julia.”

Jerry, please do not AirBnB your office.

Vladimir Putin biographer Masha Gessen has warned of a nuclear holocaust if the relationship between the Russian president and Donald Trump deteriorates.  Also if it stays the same.

Former “Power Rangers” actor Ricardo Medina has pled guilty to killing his roommate with a sword.  Surprise, surprise: he played the red one.

Statistically, one in five of our employees will try crystal meth at some point in their lives.  The more you know!

According to the FDA, nine people have died of a rare cancer linked to breast implants.  All nine have reportedly called the disease “worth it.”

Europe’s first all-sex doll brothel has opened in Barcelona.  The establishment has been a massive success thus far, thanks in large part to its signature room: “Guernica.”

Who’s still in it- Indiana?  What about LSU?  They still have “Pistol Pete,” right?  I KNEW I should’ve picked them… GEAUX TIGERS.

-The Chairman

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