Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/30/20

We’re still doin this, huh?



Russian Prime Minister Mikhail Mishustin has contracted coronavirus. Russian President Vladimir Putin said Mishustin has been relieved of his duties effective immediately and will be replaced by a lifelike ficus.

The state of Utah has begun offering masks to any residents who request them. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called the decision “long overdue” and “necessary for the annihilation of temptation.”

Speaking of temptation: Anna from Development!

A vaccine developed by the University of Oxford has proven effective at inoculating rhesus monkeys against coronavirus. Radio host Rush Limbaugh addressed the news on his show Tuesday, saying, “Monkeys?! They made a vaccine for monkeys?! This is what’s wrong with the ivory tower liberal elites, they take YOUR money and use it on a vaccine for MONKEYS.”

The Pentagon this week released three previously classified videos featuring UFOs. Officials called the decision “necessary” in order to show people “how dangerous it is to go outside.”

No, Jerry, nobody has “checked on” Edward Snowden.

In a Fox News appearance last month, Donald Trump asserted that, if voting access were expanded in America, “you’d never have a Republican elected in this country again.” He then added, “See, the landowners – very fine people, real estate people – and their slaves, who they vote for by the way, really, I mean, really they’re voting with their slaves in mind… did I say slaves? I meant black- not just black, I meant every, I mean, every group, the people who have to work, you know, who have to work or they don’t eat, which is a lot of very fine people, my people, the best people, the “deplorables,” did you see Hillary Clinton the other day? I mean the woman is crazy, just crazy, and nobody voted for her… except dead people, really, truly dead, beautifully dead, voter fraud and voting and- some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education – like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as and – I believe that they should- our education over here in the US should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

A new study shows that Fox News host Sean Hannity may have played a significant role in spreading coronavirus. The same study determined that Hannity’s actions were the most responsible of his career.

My sincere apologies for the typo in my last mass email. “Furloughed” was supposed to read “fired.” Stupid autocorrect!

A Colorado man recently won two $1 million Powerball jackpots in one day after playing the same numbers for 30 years. “I never thought this day would come,” the man, known only as “Joe B” said. “It feels good to finally break even.”

In the hours following a press conference in which Donald Trump suggested that injecting disinfectants could help treat coronavirus, there was a notable increase in calls to New York City’s Poison Control Center. One such call was from Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway, who told an operator she was afraid she had “drunk the Kool-Aid.”

Isn’t this what the robots are for?

Or the Mexicans?

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Saturday, 11/5/16

Dear Potential Voters (sorry, janitorial and kitchen staffs),

In preparation for Tuesday’s chaos, I have decided to inundate you with four straight memos chock full of information regarding our country’s future and the policies that will affect your lives (over which you will have no control).  Now that we’re all in agreement that democracy is a farce and the only thing that should influence our votes is money, let’s get to something that will exist until the Earth is forever swallowed up by the sun: BUSINESS.

Federal authorities have alerted law enforcement in Texas, Florida, and New York about possible al Qaeda attacks in advance of election day.  “Please god,” said 53-year-old voter Helen Inman of Queens.  “Does that mean neither one wins?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told advertising trade magazine Adweek that he would’ve run for president had he been born in the United States.  He later added that he wouldn’t have fathered an illegitimate child with his nanny had he been sober.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on making that balance sheet your own!  Remember, numbers are constructs and the laws of our physical world are built on relativity.

A Chinese blogger going by the name Proud Qiaoba recently published a story about a friend who she claims received 20 iPhone 7s from 20 different boyfriends, then sold the phones in order to buy a house.  Donald Trump has since cited the story as further evidence of corruption within the Clinton Foundation.

Some particularly vocal Donald Trump supporters are calling for a repeal of the 19th amendment, which grants women the right to vote.  As a corollary, those same supporters are calling for a 28th amendment which grants men the right to grab pussy.

Thanks for testifying, Jerry.  Big help.

On a recent trip to China, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte announced his country’s “separation” from the United States, calling US President Barack Obama a “son of a whore.”  Duterte has since been hired as a full-time correspondent for CNN.

Actress Susan Sarandon has said she will not vote for Hillary Clinton, stating she does “not vote with [her] vagina.”  “I will not be defined by my anatomy,” Sarandon continued, “I would much rather be defined by my willingness to push America to the brink of a fascist dictatorship followed by nuclear war.  BERNIE 2020.”

I admitted to the $5,000,000 loss several months ago, Your Honor.  Case dismissed?

Melania Trump, whose husband is running for president on an anti-illegal immigration platform, may have immigrated to (and worked in) the United States illegally.  “One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals,” Melania said when confronted with the allegations, “Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.

Islam Karimov, Uzbekistan’s first-ever president and one of Parade Magazine’s “World’s Worst Dictators,” has diedParade has announced that his replacement is uncertain and will be contingent on the outcome of the upcoming US presidential election.

If you think I’m releasing this late at night to avoid scrutiny related to the company’s recent financial missteps, you’re sorely mistaken.  And you’re fired!

That’ll teach you to read.

-The Chairman