Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/25/18

Hello Freak Athletes,

The NFL Draft starts tomorrow! Or, as I like to call it, CTEaster. Who is risen? Who is fallen? Who is a domestic abuser?

Buckle up those chin straps and LET’S FIND SOME GOOD EGGS.

BUSINESS.

Doctor Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, may not be confirmed after reports he doled out prescriptions “like candy” and drank on the job. In light of this new information, legislators recommend Jackson return immediately to his position as Trump’s personal physician.

A YouTube celebrity recently said “Gucci Gang” one million times for charity. The charity has since returned all proceeds, citing a healthy level of shame.

You da bomb, Anna from Stratego!

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will use a parrot to announce some of the team’s picks during the upcoming NFL Draft. There is a chance the parrot will be announcing itself, as it recently flew a 4.2 40.

US Citizenship and Immigration Services’ new mission statement no longer calls the United States “a nation of immigrants.” Donald Trump says the decision was made “out of respect for the tremendous sacrifice of Native American and indigenous peoples across this great land.”

No, Jerry, those are not dumplings.

A naked gunman opened fire at a Waffle House in Tennessee over the weekend, killing four. “I used to be all for guns, but now I’m not so sure,” local resident Tim Gentry told reporters after the incident. “Schools are one thing, but church is sacred.”

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has announced he will close his country’s main nuclear test site. He has since announced the opening of a new site in South Korea.

There is nothing more malleable than the human heart. That’s according to our newest artist in residence, Theodore Walpole, whose latest exhibition Real Human Organs is on view through Saturday in the second-floor atrium. Donate!

New regulations proposed by the Trump administration would allow restaurant owners and managers to take a share of servers’ tips, so long as those servers make minimum wage. Trump has called the plan “an important way to reward risk-taking, entrepreneurial Americans who watch other people work.”

Residents of New York’s Brooklyn Heights neighborhood are complaining that local rats have grown huge from eating the trash from a neighborhood Chipotle. “We’re actively working to poison these rats,” company spokesperson Quinn Kelsey told the New York Post. “Have you tried our queso?”

Remember: If the shell isn’t cracked, the yolk inside is juuuuust fiiiiiine.

Now get back in there and HIT SOMEONE.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 2/22/16

At ease, loyal serfs.

It has come to my attention that we’ve hired some new blood here at the company, and I for one would like to say: washaatke!  For the uninitiated, that’s “welcome” in Balochi, a language spoken only in a small and very secretive province of Iran.  Many of our new hires hail from this region, as they will work for cheap and have expertise in one increasingly important area: weaponizing nuclear materials.  Business!

English scientists have developed a new technique that allows massive amounts of data to be stored in small quartz discs for up to 14 billion years.  “We’re humbled, really,” said lead researcher Donald Fezziwick, “that we’ve finally been able to perfect the grand English tradition of keeping everything inside forever.”

Russia is considering repurposing some of its Cold War missile arsenal in order to destroy asteroids headed for Earth.  Russian President Vladimir Putin said he got the idea from the film Armageddon, which arrives in Russian theaters this fall.

Anna from HR, was that you at the Grammys?  “The Weeknd” is a weird stage name, but congratulations!  Love the new ‘do.

A van filled with $350,000 worth of rare books was stolen last week in Oakland.  The van was returned some three hours later after the thief discovered books of any kind have no value in Oakland.

Starting next month, the Chinese government will ban all foreign media companies from publishing material of an “informational and thoughtful nature” online without state approval.  Buzzfeed’s operations will remain unaffected.

No, Jerry, Omarosa should not run for president.

Scientists believe that North Korean nuclear testing could cause the country’s largest volcano, Mount Paekdu, to erupt.  Those same scientists estimate that such an eruption would leave the country better off than it is now.

A Waffle House waitress in Georgia has been arrested and charged with spiking a coworker’s drink with meth.  The accused, Sonserea Dawn Evans, claims she misunderstood her coworker’s request for a “chunked” Diet Coke.

Free donuts in conference room 3B!

A Utah bar owner has apologized after one of his employees refused service to two men because they were Polynesian.  “In my bartender’s defense,” said Jeremy Cloyd, owner of Willie’s Lounge in Salt Lake City, “they were Polynesian.”

Harper Lee, the iconic and reclusive author behind the classic American novel To Kill a Mockingbird, passed away Friday at the age of 89.  Moments after her expiration, publisher HarperCollins released several thousand limited edition, hand-signed copies of Lee’s last words, “Don’t ever publish these.”

UPDATE: The donuts are gone.

-The Chairman

PS- Now that these memos are, as the kids say, “back in effect,” I’m going against my dictatorial nature and taking suggestions as to what day of the week they should be sent to the masses.  Please email chairofthebored@gmail.com with your thoughts.  But don’t spam me, unless you crave the sweet release of death!

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