Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/13/19

Good evening Boeing shareholders,

You’re fucked!

Business!

When Walmart US CEO Greg Foran recently asked employees to email him with complaints, he received about 2,700 responses. Foran said he initially expected to receive more before remembering that most Walmart employees are too poor to own a computer.

A new bill introduced in the California state legislature aims to allow residents to salvage and eat roadkill. The state is desperately seeking a use for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Anna from Accounts Payable, you really should smile more.

UFC fighter Conor McGregor was arrested in Miami Beach on Monday for allegedly smashing the cell phone of someone who was trying to take his picture. The phone was the 15th-ranked middleweight in the UFC, and a rematch has already been scheduled for later this year.

An Arizona woman was attacked by a jaguar after crossing a zoo barrier in an attempt to take a selfie. Luckily, Blake Bortles was intercepted before he could cause serious harm.

Jerry, I knew you didn’t get into Yale for women’s soccer.

A high school jersey of Kobe Bryant’s that was stolen several years ago was returned to the superstar by a Chinese man who thought he had purchased it legally. “I don’t know who initially stole it,” Bryant told reporters Tuesday, “but it has the distinct taste of Shaq’s ass.”

In recently resurfaced audio from the Bubba The Love Sponge radio show, Fox News host Tucker Carlson calls Iraq “a crappy place filled with a bunch of, you know, semiliterate, primitive monkeys.” A majority of Republicans have since condemned Carlson for his blatant disrespect of US troops.

Join us this Friday at 3 AM in Conference Room B5 for our semiannual staff enrichment lecture! See if you can guess our guest speaker! (Hint: She definitely didn’t kill her roommate.)

Health care costs for an unvaccinated Oregon boy who almost died of tetanus in 2017 totaled almost $1 million. The boy’s parents say it was a small price to pay for not having autism.

China is planning to introduce a new fleet of driverless magnetic levitation trains by 2020. Authorities say the trains will be able to shuttle some 10,000 Uyghurs a day to concentration camps at speeds of up to 600 MPH.

Hang on…

Yup, still fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/17/18

Good morning discomfort pioneers,

Great news!  In the wake of the recent MAJOR TAX CUT, I have decided to give everyone a 401K!  AND I will match your first contribution up to $.3.  THAT IS NOT A TYPO!  You know what they say, a penny saved is a penny… BUSINESS.

Paula White, Pentecostal televangelist and spiritual adviser to Donald Trump, has encouraged people to send her their January salary or face punishment from God.  White claims the money will go directly to the almighty creator himself, who incurred massive debt last month fighting the war on Christmas.

Minnesota has been named the happiest state in America by personal finance website WalletHub.  In related news, Mississippi has been named the wealthiest state in America by Civil War blogger Beauregard Johnson III.

Congratulations to Anna from HR on opening the office’s first ever meditation room!  I’ve already “christened” it… twice 😉

JetBlue has begun hiring pilots with no experience necessary.  And it shows.

Lena Dunham has split from her boyfriend of five years, Bleachers lead singer Jack Antonoff.  Antonoff is reportedly “heartbroken,” while Dunham is reportedly “naked.”

Jerry, you did not just win HQ.

Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has registered her disdain for the #MeToo movement, saying, “Let’s not turn women into snowflakes.”  “Women should be viewed the same way as men,” Rice added. “They should be free to grope, to rape, and to fight in endless wars propagated by administrations captured by defense contractors and private security forces.”

Alana Evans, friend of pornographic actress Stormy Daniels – whom Donald Trump reportedly paid $130,000 for her silence regarding a 2006 sexual encounter – claims Trump chased Daniels around a hotel room “in his tighty-whities.”  Experts say Evans was referring to Trump’s underwear, though “tighty-whities” is also Trump’s nickname for his cabinet.

Tomorrow is our sixth annual office pun-off!  Or should I say, “office pun-off-ice”?  I’M-A GONNA WIN.

The same day that Walmart announced that it would be raising employees’ wages by $1 an hour due to the recent tax overhaul, the company also announced it would be closing 63 of its Sam’s Club locations.  Going forward, workers at those locations are expected to make almost as much as when they were employed.

Senator Lindsey Graham says he no longer believes Donald Trump is a “xenophobic, race-baiting religious bigot.”  “I now realize,” Graham added, “that he is so much worse.”

Find a penny, pick it up… and turn it in to Accounting IMMEDIATELY.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/8/17

Happy Day-After-Election-Day!  Or, as I like to call it, The Purge.  LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.

Two complete strangers have been arrested for performing a sex act on a Delta flight to Detroit, proving once again that nothing turns people on like Detroit.

Billionaire investor and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban thinks that creative thinking will be the most in-demand job skill in 10 years.  “By then, we’ll have had two terms of Trump,” Cuban told the audience at a recent conference.  “Many of our most creative thinkers will have died in the gulags.”

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on your new position as city comptroller!  Those targeted Facebook ads really worked- especially the one with you and Mary Magdalene in a thumb war!

After actor Anthony Rapp came forward last month to accuse Kevin Spacey of making a sexual advance on him when he was only 14, several more men have accused Spacey of inappropriate sexual conduct.  Spacey, however, says it couldn’t have been him, because he walks with a limp.

In related news, comedian Andy Dick has been fired from his latest film for sexual harassment.  The surprising move comes mere weeks after Dick was hired for sexual harassment.

Jerry, you were not… wait, you were elected governor of New Jersey?

Three UCLA men’s basketball players have been arrested in China on suspicion of stealing in advance of their season-opening game in Shanghai.  Chinese authorities have also accused the players of traveling, shooting, and charging.

In a recent interview, Kim Cattrall told Piers Morgan that she and her Sex and the City co-stars “have never been friends,” making her such a Miranda.

Speaking of elections, run for office council!  It’s a thing I just came up with to boost morale without substantive change!

A pop-up café in Australia is hiring a professional avocado taste tester.  Buzzfeed has rated the position number 3 on its list of “Best Jobs for Millennials”, behind only craft beer cicerone and none.

Walmart has apologized after a third-party listing on its website used a racial slur in the name of a product.  “We would also like to apologize for any harm we may have caused,” Ritz spokesman Daniel Abernathy said.  “From now on, they’re ‘biscuits.’”

Say it with me: ONE DOLLAR, ONE VOTE.

-The Chairman

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