Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/8/17

Good Morning,

Despite the fact that my email should not be widely available (*cough* HR *cough cough*), a number of you have asked me how the GOP’s plan to “repeal and replace” Obamacare will affect your health insurance.  The short answer: It won’t.*  If you like your doctor, you get to keep your doctor.  You may not get to keep your job, but you’ll get to keep your doctor.  All doctors can be seen for a price, right?  Listen, I don’t make the rules- I’m not even really sure how this works.  Like President Trump said: nobody knew how complicated health care could beNobody.  Now get back to work, and for the love of god DON’T GET SICK.  It’s not rocket science.

Business!

Speaking at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, NRA head Wayne LaPierre said that left-leaning protestors around the country are being paid $1,500 a week and are dangerous.  In related news, psychologists around the country have updated the sections of their textbooks concerning “projection.”

Later this year, Germany is set to introduce a zero-emissions train powered entirely by hydrogen.  “Finally,” Chancellor Angela Merkel said at a recent press conference, “Germans can have some good associations with trains.”

Enjoy your day off, Anna from IT!  And thank you- every day here was a day without a woman til you sued your way into a job.

A Washington, D.C. art installation featuring a roomful of glowing pumpkins was damaged last week when a visitor tried to take a selfie.  Due to its location and the subject of the installation involved, the incident is being called “the perfect metaphor.”

A judge last week called a meeting with French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen over allegations that she misappropriated funds from the European Union.  Le Pen has since questioned the white, French, female judge’s ability to be impartial because of “his Mexican heritage.”

Jerry, The Wire is not a “nonfiction prequel.”

Scientists have been quick to cast doubt on new findings that herpes outbreaks during pregnancy may cause autism.  Other scientists without herpes say it is a distinct possibility.

Chicago musical artist Chance the Rapper has announced he will be giving $1 million to his hometown’s public school system.  In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “Just saw the news- another 1 million people shot in Chicago. This time by a rapper WHO IS BLACK. Sad! Bad (or sick) Guy!”

Next week, join us for our Tuesday discussion group at 7:30 in the 4th floor lounge.  Our topic: Is Anderson Cooper a robot?  Drinks and snacks will be provided… for humans.

Donald Trump has vowed to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, a move that will save the government under $500 million per year.  Most of the savings will be diverted to security for Don Jr. and Eric Trump, as they fly around the world building their new, private National Endowment for Art Collection.

Scientists have announced they are closer than ever to resurrecting the extinct woolly mammoth.  Once born, the first specimen is expected to be released into the wild, as experts say the last thing the world needs is another elephant in the room.

Yup, it’s a tumor.  Walk it off.

-The Chairman

*It will.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/25/17

Hello, my right-to-work rapscallions!

It’s me, your old pal The Chairman, back and better than ever after two straight months of presidential transition horse-trading.  Rest assured I did everything in my power to turn back the clock to a time when America was the G-D GREATEST.

Now, as some of you may know, I was a teensy bit nervous about the impending “Trump administration.”  However, over the past several minutes, I have come to welcome our new tangerine overlord with open legs.  You see, when presented with a set of alternative facts, um, one has no choice but to, you know…
Oh for fuck’s sake BUSINESS.

In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Donald Trump announced that his 2020 campaign slogan would be “Keep America Great,” a tagline used in the horror film The Purge: Election Year.  The film, which depicts a dystopian society in which all crime is condoned by the state, is being called the first-ever “accidental documentary.”

Following her husband’s inauguration, First Lady Melania Trump returned home to New York, where she will reside until her 10-year-old son Barron finishes school.  By “school,” Trump means “postdoctoral study.”

Anna from the cafeteria, SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS!  Haha- just kidding.  Glad we can still make that joke for a few more days.

Despite controversy, the marching band from historically black Talladega College performed as part of Donald Trump’s Inauguration Day festivities.  Trump was said to be “pleasantly surprised” by the band’s performance, calling it “not like Chicago at all.”

During his “first official press briefing,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer indicated that Donald Trump will move forward with construction of the controversial Dakota Access Pipeline.  The announcement was met with excitement and immediately hailed as “the most rational thing the administration has done so far.”

Jerry, there are no grizzly bears here.

NASA has released a short film compiled from photographs taken of Pluto by the organization’s New Horizons spacecraft, which flew near the dwarf planet in 2015.  Looks habitable.

In further NASA news, the soon-to-be-defunct agency believes that it has spotted two new comets in our solar system.  “Unfortunately,” said Deputy Principal Investigator James “Gerbs” Bauer of the discovery, “neither appears to be headed towards Earth.”

How about that Women’s March, huh?  Fun signs.

Neuroscientists claim to have discovered a song that reduces anxiety by up to 65 percent.  Due to extraordinary demand, the song is now available on iTunes for $750.

As one of his first acts in office, Donald Trump has reinstated the so-called “Mexico City policy,” which bans federal funding to any overseas NGOs that provide abortion services.  “Oh, no,” Trump said, addressing the many fetuses around the globe affected by the policy, “you’re not getting off that easy.”

When’s the next press briefing?  I gotta set my DVR…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 7/17/16

Good Evening,

I’ve heard some disturbing reports lately that there are those inside the company who don’t think I am “hip and with it.”  In response, I’ve decided to leave no doubt about my ability to relate to the “common man.”

This week’s memo will be entirely devoted to the “new” “hot” “app” Pokémon Go.

This’ll be weird!  Business?

The Los Angeles County Fire Department has warned people not to call 911 for help with Pokémon Go.  As a result, Angelenos are left wondering whom to call about the mysterious “Pikachu rapist.”

Usually treatable STI gonorrhea has begun showing increasing resistance to antibiotics.  With nearly 14,000 cases reported annually, gonorrhea is the second easiest thing to catch in New York City behind Rattata.

Congratulations, Anna from Maintenance, on bringing another life into this world!  It’s a Venonat!  I thought that egg would never hatch.

Two Westport, CT men ran into a naked woman vandalizing a church last week while looking for Pokémon.  It was the first naked woman that either of the men has or is ever likely to see.

Hacking collective PoodleCorp has taken responsibility for an attack that shut down the Pokémon Go servers for four hours on Saturday.  The attack is already being hailed as the “least destructive in history.”

Jerry, you are not a “Squirtlekin.”

A driver in Auburn, NY ran his car straight into a tree while playing Pokémon Go Tuesday night.  Damage to the vehicle was estimated at $14,000, making it the most expensive Geodude ever caught in the game.

A New Zealand man has quit his job to play Pokémon Go full time.  “He’ll be back,” George Kite, manager of the restaurant where Tom Currie previously worked, recently told reporters.  “Last week it was his band.”

Pokémon Go, which links to many players’ Google accounts, has ignited a multitude of privacy concerns.  “Mark my words: it won’t be long before there’s an ‘Edward Snowden of Pokémon Go,’” Georgetown law professor Michael Braintree recently told reporters.  “My money’s on Golbat.”

I just caught a Goldeen in a Fika!

Retailers could soon begin paying Niantic, the company that makes Pokémon Go, to become important locations in the game.  Analysts say the development could attract a significant number of customers under 13, many of whom have no idea what a store is.

A new subreddit has been started to track strange “Pokéstops,” landmarks that players are encouraged to visit as part of Pokémon Go.  Some of the stranger sites include a strip club, a church of Scientology, and 875 South Bundy Drive in Los Angeles.

Spearow Agnew, I CHOOSE YOU!

-The Chairman

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