Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/25/17

Hello, my right-to-work rapscallions!

It’s me, your old pal The Chairman, back and better than ever after two straight months of presidential transition horse-trading.  Rest assured I did everything in my power to turn back the clock to a time when America was the G-D GREATEST.

Now, as some of you may know, I was a teensy bit nervous about the impending “Trump administration.”  However, over the past several minutes, I have come to welcome our new tangerine overlord with open legs.  You see, when presented with a set of alternative facts, um, one has no choice but to, you know…
Oh for fuck’s sake BUSINESS.

In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Donald Trump announced that his 2020 campaign slogan would be “Keep America Great,” a tagline used in the horror film The Purge: Election Year.  The film, which depicts a dystopian society in which all crime is condoned by the state, is being called the first-ever “accidental documentary.”

Following her husband’s inauguration, First Lady Melania Trump returned home to New York, where she will reside until her 10-year-old son Barron finishes school.  By “school,” Trump means “postdoctoral study.”

Anna from the cafeteria, SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS!  Haha- just kidding.  Glad we can still make that joke for a few more days.

Despite controversy, the marching band from historically black Talladega College performed as part of Donald Trump’s Inauguration Day festivities.  Trump was said to be “pleasantly surprised” by the band’s performance, calling it “not like Chicago at all.”

During his “first official press briefing,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer indicated that Donald Trump will move forward with construction of the controversial Dakota Access Pipeline.  The announcement was met with excitement and immediately hailed as “the most rational thing the administration has done so far.”

Jerry, there are no grizzly bears here.

NASA has released a short film compiled from photographs taken of Pluto by the organization’s New Horizons spacecraft, which flew near the dwarf planet in 2015.  Looks habitable.

In further NASA news, the soon-to-be-defunct agency believes that it has spotted two new comets in our solar system.  “Unfortunately,” said Deputy Principal Investigator James “Gerbs” Bauer of the discovery, “neither appears to be headed towards Earth.”

How about that Women’s March, huh?  Fun signs.

Neuroscientists claim to have discovered a song that reduces anxiety by up to 65 percent.  Due to extraordinary demand, the song is now available on iTunes for $750.

As one of his first acts in office, Donald Trump has reinstated the so-called “Mexico City policy,” which bans federal funding to any overseas NGOs that provide abortion services.  “Oh, no,” Trump said, addressing the many fetuses around the globe affected by the policy, “you’re not getting off that easy.”

When’s the next press briefing?  I gotta set my DVR…

-The Chairman

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