Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/20/18

Hello Cheeches and Chongs,

It’s the 4/20 memo! As this year’s celebration of our newest major revenue stream falls on a Friday, it felt only right to delay this update accordingly. Think of it as a delayed reaction.

… from weed.

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery meta. Veeeeeeeeeeery deep. I’m veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery high.

HIGH BUSINESS.

Lena Dunham’s ex-boyfriend, musician Jack Antonoff, was recently spotted with model Carlotta Kohl at a New York Knicks game. Kohl, who is white, could have easily been a character on Girls.

The United Kingdom and the United States have issued a joint cybersecurity alert warning of possible Russian attacks on home wireless networks. Officials have elevated the threat to Code Blueballs.

Congratulations to Anna from Childcare on the launch of her revolutionary new pilot program, Seeds & Stems! Apparently THC stands for “Totally Helpful for Children!”

Last Sunday, Texas Rangers pitcher Bartolo Colon, 44, came 6 outs away from becoming the oldest player ever to throw a perfect game. Before each pitch, Colon confused opposing batters by asking them to follow his Xanga.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is planning to introduce a bill to decriminalize marijuana nationwide. The bill, though widely praised, is expected to be forgotten after the introduction of a flashier but far less satisfying bill about meth.

Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten away with it, even without the meddling kids.

A new Airbus airplane design includes “nap pods” for passengers to sleep in the cargo hold. “People are tired of airlines’ poor treatment of customers,” Airbus CEO Jans Hemmerud told reporters last week, “so nap!”

The first medical marijuana store in New York City opened today on Fifth Avenue. It sits approximately 20 blocks from its biggest advertisement, Trump Tower.

Feeling paranoid? Check this out!

The National Football League is delaying payouts from its landmark concussion settlement, claiming widespread fraud among ex-players. “It’s ridiculous,” league Commissioner Roger Goodell said at a recent press conference. “People are saying they played for the ‘Cleveland Browns,’ which isn’t even a real team.”

A new study suggests the negative effects of marijuana on memory and cognitive performance may disappear after 72 hours, even among chronic users. The news comes as a surprise to marijuana users who read the study yesterday.

Whoa… there were some nice nuggets of pot news in there.

I guess I forgot to weed them out.

It’s almost like they were… baked in.

Heh.

Hehe.

HeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheNOWOMANNOCRY

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/8/17

Great news, everyone- we’re hiring teachers!  I mean, they don’t have to be “teachers,” per se… just, like, friends are fine.  I never thought we’d get into the education sector, but there’s money to be made!  Now someone draft me up a “charter”…

Last week, Scotland’s Campbelltown airport was home to the first British flight in 50 years to depart without a security screening.  Shortly after takeoff, the plane was hijacked by universal dignity and an abiding sense of calm.

President Donald Trump has appointed former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani his cyber security advisor.  The decision is the latest in a long line of controversial appointments by Trump, including Ivanka Trump as First Lady and R. Kelly as ambassador to Russia.

Congratulations, Anna from Analytics, on your Oscar nomination!  I still don’t know where to find those fantastic beasts, but I know you are definitely one of them.

North Korea’s official news agency has accused the United States and South Korea of plotting a preemptive attack on the country.  Donald Trump has since assured North Korea it is under no threat, as it is not the values of liberty and justice for all.

New website Pizza to the Polls allows people to send pizzas to protesters around the country.  The site has reportedly escalated tensions between conservatives who have sent thousands of pizzas through the site and liberal recipients who do not eat gluten, dairy, or nightshades.

Jerry, your Q2 evaluation is not “fake news.”

A Cheeto that looks like deceased gorilla and favorite meme Harambe has reportedly sold for almost $100,000.  The bidder is said to be a group of 10 million teenagers contributing one cent each with the explicit goal of undermining any remaining faith in Western civilization.

Reddit has banned two major forums associated with the alt-right.  The decision ensures that the groups’ members will never post anything anywhere on the Internet ever again.

This winter, stay warm by fucking your coworkers!

Salmon prices around the world are rising rapidly due to a growing population of parasitic sea lice.  The outbreak has caused many to question why the fish still haven’t instituted mandatory lice checks in schools.

Last week, customs officers in Texas uncovered almost two tons of marijuana, valued at approximately $800,000, hidden in a shipment of key limes.  “Gr8 news!”  Donald Trump tweeted in response to the discovery.  “Now we can pay for the wall!”

I always liked Michigan.  Land of the free, home of the lakes.  And schools!  Lots and lots of $chool$…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 7/26/16

Too hot for a memo last week… far too hot.  This week, however…

still way too hot.  Nonetheless: business!

Divergent star Shailene Woodley traveled across country in advance of the Democratic National Convention to canvass for Bernie Sanders.  Woodley, who says she routinely eats clay, is our most predictable actress.

Newly revealed records indicate unpresidential candidate Donald Trump once used money donated to his charity to buy himself a football helmet signed by Tim Tebow.  The purchase ranks as the third-best investment of Trump’s life.

Congratulations to Anna from Legal on taking her latest case all the way to the Supreme Court!  Raccoons ARE people too!!

A new study indicates that people take fewer sick days in states that allow medical marijuana.  The same study shows that work-related accidents in those states are much more frequent.

In further “weed” news, officials in Hugo, Colorado, have determined that the small town’s water supply does not contain THC, as was previously thought.  Thus, in one fell swoop, several disgraced citizens lost their excuse for enjoying The Secret Life of Pets.

Jerry, Philadelphia is not “the poor man’s Cleveland.”

Last week, potato chip giant Lays released four limited-time only flavors, including “Indian Tikka Masala” and “Brazilian Picanha.”  In the wake of the recent leak of Democratic National Committee emails, the company announced a fifth flavor: “Russian Salt.”

Despite myriad other issues facing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has chosen to release a set of new rules aimed at contemplative nuns, those that live in cloistered monasteries and have no contact with the outside world.  Among the important new regulations are “pee less,” “pray harder,” and “stop thinking about sex.”

I just spent a lot of money on this foosball table- you fuckers better use it.

A rare, smelly “corpse flower” is preparing to bloom at the New York Botanical Gardens.  You can watch it live here.

Following a seven-month investigation, the NFL has determined recently retired quarterback Peyton Manning did not take human growth hormone.  Despite the favorable result, Manning has decided to appeal the ruling, saying in a statement, “Anything Tom can do, I can do better.”

I just paid a dog to pee on me.

-The Chairman

PS- Know anybody who’s not on this list?  Invite them to join immediately… or else: http://eepurl.com/HMKYj

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