Hey there all you cats & kittens! It’s your friendly neighborhood Chairman reporting live from my hermetically sealed biodome high up in the earth’s thermosphere. It’s just me and the International Space Station up here and let me tell you… those guys know how to party! I haven’t had that much fun in a diaper since my first Skull & Bones “Boner Day!”
Whoops… that’s a secret! Business!
Facing criticism for his family’s recent travels on a private jet in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Clemson head football coach Dabo Swinney told a college football radio show, “I live my life on faith… God can stamp this out just as quick as it rose up.” Swinney then added, “that’s why it only affects Chinese.”
Seven people in Santa Cruz, California were fined $1,000 each last week after they violated the state’s shelter-in-place order to procure beverages at a 7-11. When asked what other laws the group may have broken, Santa Cruz police chief Andy Mills told reporters, “I’ll let you guess.”
Anna from Sales, are you a ventilator? Because I would like to rig you up so that both your husband and I can share you as needed.
The District Court of Maryland on Monday prevented a proposed rollback of school nutrition standards that allowed for higher levels of sodium in students’ meals. Health insurance lobbying group America’s Health Insurance Plans has since released a statement calling the ruling “abhorrent,” citing several studies they’ve commissioned that link higher sodium to higher test scores.
Ivanka Trump and her husband Jared Kushner declined to follow federal guidelines advising against travel as they ventured to New Jersey last week to celebrate Passover. Kushner later told reporters that the couple was forced to travel to New Jersey for the holiday because they were “meeting Elijah there.”
Jerry, enough with the elderberry.
The XFL has filed for bankruptcy. In a related story, Vince McMahon, commissioner of both the league and its failed 2001 predecessor, has been named an to an advisory council on how to restart the US economy post-coronavirus.
Bernie Sanders has endorsed Joe Biden for president. “This was a very difficult decision,” Sanders said in a video released last week, “but I hope he will in turn endorse me when I run for president in 2024.”
Out of the goodness of my heart, I have directed our Angola office to begin manufacturing N95 masks immediately. We expect to have 3,000 ready to ship by next week and will be selling them at a HEAVY discount of $950/mask. Tell your friends!
Donald Trump has announced that he plans to cut United States funding for the World Health Organization over his beliefs about the group’s handling of coronavirus. “That money is better used on something else- much, much better:” Trump said at an imaginary rally held before his bathroom mirror Tuesday night, “beautiful clean coal.”
A new study published in prominent medical journal The Lancet advises against fully lifting coronavirus lockdowns across the globe until a vaccine for the virus is found. In response to the study, Netflix has petitioned for zookeeper Joe Exotic’s immediate release as an essential employee.
99 bottles of dehydrated beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around… hey, who bogarted my hydroponic kush?