Internal Memo for Friday, 5/13/16

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssss… right there, Doris… a little lower… YES.  YES YES YES……………. whoops, sorry, still basking in the glow of my horse’s big win at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.  As a reward, I think I’ll put myself out to stud.  Who wants first dibs?  Business!

Justin Bieber got a new tattoo of a cross on his face.  The singer says the new ink is meant to symbolize his kinship with Jesus, another delusional child prodigy with millions of mindless followers.

Artist and entrepreneur Jae Rhim Lee has created a suit made of mushroomsdesigned to efficiently break down the human body after death.  Lee has said she modeled the suit on New York City, which efficiently breaks down the human body throughout life.

When it finally comes time to pass the torch, I now know whom to call: Anna from Finance!  Anna just made her first million selling digital downloads of her “guided meditations” for $75 a pop!  Now THAT’S a BUSINESSWOMAN.

The United States has sent two F-22 warplanes to Romania.  Or, as Bernie Sanders calls it, Poland.

A gay pastor who claimed employees at an Austin, Texas Whole Foods wrote a homophobic slur on a cake he ordered may have written the word himself.  Jordan Brown, the priest behind the alleged fraud, told reporters that it didn’t matter who wrote the word, the fact that the word exists at all is enough for Whole Foods to owe him “a lot of money.”  An Austin judge agreed, rewarding Brown $3 million in punitive damages stemming from “America’s long history of grocery-related imperialist chauvinism.”

Jerry, Israel exists.  Period.

A former official with the Russian Anti-Doping Agency has revealed that at least four of the country’s gold medalists from the 2014 Sochi Olympics used steroids.  “This is news to you?  Really?” Vitaly Stepanov told The New York Times.  “Oh, I forgot, this is the Donald Trump country.”

A new study shows that occasional fasting can help you live longer.  I TOLD YOU, BRENDA.

It’s Friday the 13th!  Remember, there’s nothing scaaaaaaarier to us hardworking Americans than power-hungry labor unions peddling false promises of “better working conditions.”  BOO.

Disney is reportedly planning to turn its iconic Tower of Terror into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride.  The new attraction will replicate its predecessor’s 199-foot freefall, plunging the audience into a bottomless pit of Chinese Yuan.

Actor Jake Lloyd, most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Following the news, the US government moved the film past the Challenger on the list of “Greatest Mistakes in American History.”

I’ve been told I have a lot in common with horses.  Well, one thing, mostly…

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget, if you’ve missed any memos in the past, you’re at serious risk of being fired (and probably deported)!  Catch up here!

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/14

Good evening, True Detectives.  Who is the Yellow King?

Jason Collins made his season debut with the Brooklyn Nets on Sunday, becoming the first openly gay player in NBA history.  “Good for him,” said former Nets owner Sean Carter, AKA Jay-Z, “Big day for faggots.”

Whole Foods Market is negotiating a deal to “coexist” with infamous purveyor of genetically engineered crops, Monsanto.  As part of the agreement, Monsanto is free to plant all of the soybeans it wants in Czechoslovakia.

A California couple found $10 million in buried treasure while walking their dog last year.  According to California law, the couple must pay 2/3rds of the money in taxes, and the rest to their dog.

Anna’s gone viral!  Anna from legal, that is- she’s contracted a rare strain of bird flu so we’ve quarantined her on the fifth floor.  Steer clear!

“Ghostbusters” star and “Animal House” writer Harold Ramis has died at 69.  He would’ve wanted it this way.

New York Yankees hitting coach Kevin Long said the team had to beg recently departed second baseman Robinson Cano to hustle.  This story is over a week old, but Cano delivered it to me himself.

First Lady Michelle Obama is under fire for wearing a $12,000 dress to a recent White House dinner.  “$12,000?” said political commentator Catherine Riviera, “that’s almost 12 minutes of taxpayer funded campaign advertising!”

Jerry, the cafeteria is not the place for “casual encounters.”

An eighth-grade quarterback has committed to LSU.  “It’s always been a dream of mine to play at LSU,” said Zadock Dinkelmann, 14, “plus it’s the only school whose name I could spell.”

A federal judge in San Antonio has struck down a Texas law banning same-sex marriage.  “I think it’s the right decision,” said Texas governor Rick Perry, “all Texans should be allowed to get married, same as all Texans should be allowed to kill judges.”

San Diego State running back Adam Muema said God told him to leave the NFL scouting combine early, possibly impacting his draft stock.  “Yup, you heard right,” said God, the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, “I chose the guy from San Diego State.”

And the winner of our Olympic pool is… drumroll please… Sam Schneiderman in accounts payable!  He correctly predicted that bear would shed just one tear during the closing ceremonies.  Enjoy your trip to Pennsylvania Dutch Country!

“Avatar” star Sam Worthington was arrested Sunday in New York for allegedly punching a photographer.  “Sorry,” Worthington said in a statement, “I’m Australian.”

General Motors is recalling 1.37 million vehicles due to a dangerous ignition problem that has killed 13 people.  For those keeping score at home, that’s one death for every $777 million in federal bailout money given to the company.

Former heavyweight boxing champion Vitali Klitschko is expected to run for president of Ukraine this May.  When asked about his plans for the country, Klitschko simply replied, “Pain.”
 
Do you ever feel like the moon is both waxing and waning?  No?  Just me?  GET BACK TO WORK.
 
-The Chairman

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