Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/8/20

Ding, dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch?
The socialist!
Ding, dong, the wicked witch is deaaaaaaaaad

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s morning again in America. With Bernie Sanders officially out of the race for the presidency, our investments in private health insurers, frackers, and defense contractors are set to SKYROCKET just as soon as the weakest among us have been culled by this pandemic. Finally, there is hope of getting somebody in the White House who isn’t just a foulmouthed loose cannon, but also an unrepentant plagiarista discreet sexual assaulter, and a hypocritical corporate shill!

Hail to the chief… of BUSINESS.

The CDC is recommending that all Americans wear masks when in public to avoid contracting the novel coronavirus, but Donald Trump has said he will not do so. Many of Trump’s harshest critics have praised the businessman’s “strong, principled decision” on the matter.

New York Knicks owner James Dolan has tested positive for coronavirus. To boost awareness of the virus, Dolan has announced he will be renaming his band to “JD And The State Spike (In Novel Coronavirus Cases).”

Anna from Communications, excellent work convincing the relevant authorities that all of our employees are essential! Now get over here and allow me thank you properly…

The US Justice Department has charged embattled Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro with narcoterrorism. Attorney General William Barr wrote in the indictment that Maduro’s ceaseless trafficking of cocaine and amphetamines “has undermined the transport of important lifesaving drug hydroxychloroquine to Americans suffering from coronavirus.”

In a related story, the US Food & Drug Administration has ordered that heartburn drug Zantac be pulled from shelves immediately, along with any other drugs that are not hydroxychloroquine.

Jerry, your legal name is not “Bhagavan ‘Doc’ Maldonado-Passage.”

New York City’s Governor’s Ball music festival has been canceled to prevent the further spread of COVID-19. Many prospective attendees have said they plan on contracting the virus anyway “to get some sweet scripts.”

Music industry mogul David Geffen opened himself up to criticism last week after posting that he was “isolated in the Grenadines” on his megayacht due to COVID-19. In response to the backlash, Geffen issued a statement saying he was opening his yacht up to all first responders within two nautical miles.

Chag Pesach sameach to our Finance Department!

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has strongly suggested that American citizens abroad return home immediately. American citizens abroad have replied, “No.”

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for coronavirus. Animal rights activist Carole Baskin has offered to adopt the sick animal, telling zoo staff, “I’m sure he’s hungry, and Howard’s really been getting on my nerves lately.”

God, I feel so relieved. Thank you to all those in Wisconsin who died bringing this favorable election outcome to bear.

And hey, it’s almost Easter, so… you never know.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for 3/27/19

Hello Fellow Muetineers,

How does it feel to be betrayed by a hero that you so painstakingly built up over the course of two years despite knowing nothing about him or his field of expertise beyond what was breathlessly and irresponsibly speculated by cable news pundits ad nauseam?

I know, I liked Michael Avenatti, too.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump’s youngest son, Barron, turned 13 last week. For his Bar Mitzvah, his father gave him jurisdiction over the Gaza Strip.

A California mom has sued Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, and others involved in the “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal for $500 billion. As a condition of the suit, the defendants’ counsels must have gotten into college the same way their children did.

If anybody’s looking to get drunk tonight, might I recommend Anna from the mailroom’s homebrewed Scottish ale? It’s made with anal yeast!

Nicolas Cage has applied for a marriage license with girlfriend Erika Koike. On the back of the license, there is a map.

Disney’s newest planned Star Wars ride, “Rise of the Resistance,” will reportedly be 28 minutes long, or as long as it took to write the last two films.

Jerry, Jussie Smollett is not “the new OJ.”

To celebrate the launch of its four new “Fresh Faves” box meals, fast food chain Del Taco gave away several bars of its new crinkle-cut French fry-scented soap on its Instagram page. The soap, whose ingredients are a secret, is recommended only for those with fatally dry skin.

ICE is currently detaining 50,000 people, its highest number on record. Donald Trump disputes the reported figure, saying the agency is actually detaining 50,000 animals.

In honor of the new Lorena Bobbitt documentary on Amazon, free haircuts in Conference Room GGG! Pubic and non.

Singer Sam Smith has come out as gender non-binary, assuaging some more conservative fans’ fears that they were gay.

Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has officially announced his candidacy for president. Experts say the announcement may be a red herring, as it was made while under the influence of laughing gas at the dentist.

I once read the entire Bible, cover-to-cover.

My summary: Total exoneration of Judas.

-The Chairman

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