Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/26/16

What do we want?

BUSINESS!

When do we want it?

ALWAYS!  But especially RIGHT NOW.

Methamphetamine residue has been found in various streams in and around Baltimore.  The discovery has led to rampant speculation that the Baltimore PD planted drugs in the bodies of water in order to railroad them.  Some activists have also warned that, depending on where the waters originate, it could represent an egregious case of glacial profiling.

A man in Neubrandenburg, Germany recently attacked another man’s car with an extra-long sausage.  Local authorities are calling the incident “very authentic.”

Congratulations to Anna from Sales on winning the gold medal in the 25-meter pistol!  Try not to turn that gun on the Greek government!

A Japanese truck driver playing Pokémon Go hit two women on Tuesday, killing one.  In memoriam, app creator Niantic has made the site of the accident a Pokéstop.

The US federal government has declared a public health emergency in Puerto Rico due to the Zika virus.  The territory has subsequently added the disease to its list of things to spend other people’s money on.

Jerry, some men would like to speak to you about a “gas station incident.”

Mounting evidence suggests that the 2013 Oscar-nominated film The Wolf of Wall Street, about a stockbroker misappropriating funds, may have been financed by embezzled money.  It is the most high-profile case of life imitating art since Albanian sex traffickers kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in June.

In related Wolf of Wall Street news, the film’s star Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24-year-old model girlfriend Nina Agdal were involved in a car crash in the Hamptons this past week.  Agdal reportedly suffered a minor cut on her left cheek, leading DiCaprio to immediately replace her with a different 24-year-old model.

Now that the Olympics are over, the testosterone station in the cafeteria is back in action!  I know I missed it.

Stanford University has become the latest college to ban hard alcohol at campus parties.  Students are apparently “distraught,” as they’ve been left with nowhere to turn when their school inevitably chokes away the Rose Bowl.

The NFL reportedly has plans to open its 2018 season in China.  “We think China is a great place to grow our global brand,” Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement.  “There’s no Chinese word for ‘concussion.’”

Say it with me now: TPP IS ALRIGHT WITH ME.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/15/14

Afternoon, dumbwaiters.  What can you silently deliver the company today?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, already in hot water for a controversial “traffic study” during his tenure, is being investigated for misuse of federal funds after Hurricane Sandy.  “Is the president leading the investigation?” asked Christie, “because he knows a thing or two about misuse of federal funds.”

New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for the entire 2014 season for his use of performance-enhancing drugs.  This is baseball’s longest ban since Honus Wagner’s 242-game suspension in 1899 for “repeated and willful failure to wear suspenders.”

With such cold temperatures outside, why not enjoy a cup of hot cocoa?  Anna in the mailroom has set up a stand in the cafeteria and staffed it with local homeless children.  Warm up and give back!  But not to the kids, we don’t want them hanging around.

Pamela Anderson has remarried ex-husband Rick Salomon.  Besides Anderson, Salomon has previously been linked to Shannen Doherty and Paris Hilton, and his life was the inspiration for the hit comedy Lars and the Real Girl.

A Southwest Airlines flight landed at a different Missouri airport than expected on Sunday.  The flight, which was supposed to land in Branson, remarkably managed to land in a place with more meth.

Jerry, you were supposed to delete those emails before the SEC started its inquiry.  How could I have made that any clearer?

Swedish doctors have transplanted wombs into nine women in the hopes that the women will be able to become pregnant.  One of the surgeons, Dr. Mats Brannstrom, explained, “Sweden is a socialist country, and needs more taxpayers as soon as possible.”

Last week, a Chicago woman accidentally shot a 65 year-old relative during an argument about whether or not her gun would fire.  Joeann Smith, 52, won.

Remember, February is Black History Month.  Please plan accordingly.

The 13th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” occurred on January 12th, with riders from New York to Kiev participating.  Despite the cold, instances of “accidental commando” were up 13%.

Germany has fined some of its major breweries 106 million, or $145 million, for a price-fixing scandal that raised beer prices almost industry-wide in 2008.  “This is our Wolf of Wall Street,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

A Dublin man was stabbed to death Sunday night after performing an illegal chess move.  One eyewitness said, “It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.  I mean, who tries to castle out of check?”

I told you this would come on Monday, and here we are on Wednesday.  What’s the lesson?  No more promises.  Goodbye, Winthorpe.

-The Chairman

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