Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/2/18

Good morning, mercenaries! Welcome to day 2,963 of the bloody conflict in Syria! In case you were wondering, our profits have netted out to about $36,500 per day. Not bad for the Middle East! In fact, we estimate that at war’s end (~2035), we will own 98% of all Syrian oil. Hubba hubba!

Now that’s what I call liberation.

Business!

The New York Times is reporting that, while serving as state senator, EPA chief Scott Pruitt bought an Oklahoma house from a lobbyist. Pruitt reportedly used the house to fuck his mistress: the planet.

The six biggest banks in the United States saved $3.6 billion last quarter thanks to last year’s Republican tax bill. All six say the money will be much better spent on a small number of shareholders than on “the public schools none of them attended.”

Thanks for the endorsement, Anna from LinkedIn! I had no IDEA you’d seen me do mime.

The United Kingdom plans to ban plastic straws, stirrers, and cotton swabs. The proposed ban follows a similar one on toothbrushes from 1575.

Donald Trump has asked several African nations to support a US-led bid for a 2026 North American World Cup. “We really need your voluntary support,” Trump said in a recent press conference, “just like your people voluntarily supported us in creating a thriving, cotton-based economy in the American South throughout the 18th and 19th centuries.”

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

A picture of a Spanish woman has gone viral because of her stunning resemblance to Donald Trump. After seeing the photo, Mike Pence is no longer allowed to be alone in the same room as his boss.

DMX’s lawyer played the rapper’s song Slippin’ in court last week in the hopes the judge might lessen her client’s sentence for tax evasion. The attorney said she was inspired by fellow rapper Xzibit’s sex trafficking trial last year, which featured several screened episodes of Pimp My Ride.

COFFEEPOTS! Who’s got em?

The Lyrid Meteor Shower peaked last weekend. Oops.

Wireless companies T-Mobile and Sprint have announced plans to merge. Negotiations are ongoing, as their calls keep dropping.

Keep on fighting, rebels! We $tand with you.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 2/12/15

Followers,

I would like to apologize.  Due to myriad terrorist threats against the company and a massive hack of my personal email, I have been unable to send out the memo for the last several weeks.  At one point, things got so bad between me, Scott Rudin, and the Chuckwalla iguana of which we share joint custody that I debated sending a memo ever again.  But, after much soul searching and ayahuasca, I decided that fear must not win.

With that, ladies and gentlemen (We still have ladies, right?  They didn’t all quit?  Everything was taken out of context, I swear), I present… THE MEMO.

The deepest fish ever discovered has been found in the Mariana’s Trench.  The deepest Phish ever discovered remains “Fluffhead,” found in 1995 at the Ervin J. Nutter Center at Wright State University.

As part of his recent divorce settlement, billionaire CEO Harold Hamm wrote his ex-wife a personal check for $975 million.  The check will reportedly feature prominently in the upcoming children’s movie “Blank Check 2,” starring Sinbad.

Dartmouth College has banned hard liquor on campus.  There will be no punishment for those caught violating the new rule, making it similar to the university’s “bans” on drugs and sexual assault.

**FUN FACT** Anna from IT once dated Chris Kyle, the man whose life inspired the blockbuster film American Sniper!  Among other things, the movie failed to mention his foot fetish.

It’s official!  Former US Olympian and current reality TV star Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman.  “We wholeheartedly support Bruce’s decision,” said E! executive Damla Dogan, “with the success of Orange is the New Black, we think it’s time Keeping Up With The Kardashians had a trans character.”

Woody Allen has signed a deal with Amazon to create his first TV show.  The show is slated to be canceled before it turns six… just in case.

The top Google searches of 2014 were, in order, “Robin Williams,” “World Cup,” and “Ebola.”  Despite her best efforts, “Anne Hathaway” remained 2,345,696th.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite in Ukraine.

A New Mexico man lost out on $500,000 after officials determined his winning lottery ticket was the result of a “printer malfunction.”  No word yet on whether the lottery’s decision has caused the man to “break bad.”

The New York Times is reporting that two-time Oscar winner Dianne Wiest is struggling to pay her rent.  “I’ve always rented,” said a defiant Wiest in theTimes interview, “why the hell would I have invested all that movie star money in real estate?  Especially New York real estate?  Talk about a scam.”

The father of former reality TV star Heidi Montag has been arrested for sexual assault, cementing his status as poster boy for the new American Dream.

New Year, New You!  Be sure to attend our “Make Your Resolutions… and Keep Them Biiiiiiitchhhheessss!” workshops, hosted by renowned Olympic figure skater and reality television personality Johnny Weir!  January 14th and 15th at 7 PM in conference room B.

… I guess those already happened.  Whoops, sorry!  Old me.

Three theoretical physicists have published their evidence for the existence of a parallel universe that is moving backwards in time.  They’ve dubbed the alternate realm “The Clooneyverse.”

Actress Emma Watson will star in Disney’s upcoming live-action version of Beauty and the Beast. Watson, building on her outspoken support for female equality around the globe, will be playing Gaston.

In a new book, longtime Obama advisor David Axelrod asserts that the president masked his true feelings on gay marriage in order to appeal to voters.  “You didn’t hear it from me,” Axelrod writes in “Believer: My Forty Years in Politics,” “but you might say the president keeps his views on homosexuality… on the down low.”

Je reste Charlie.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/20/14

Guess who’s back?
 
Back again?
 
The Chairman’s back.
 
Tell a friend.
 
“Shouts out” to my homeboy Eminem for fashioning such a poignant and timeless reintroduction.  After enjoying a luxurious summer vacation aboard this (to scale) with these (not to scale), I’m back to bring you the latest goings on at the company and around the world.  Now, without further ado… your only reason for living: THE BUSINESS.
 
Five months after his high profile divorce, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly dating actress Jennifer Lawrence.  “They have a lot in common,” said a source close to Martin, “for instance, they both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.”

A Michigan girl who was mauled by a raccoon is getting a new ear molded from cartilage in her rib cage.  The girl originally wanted a wife, but same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the state.

Congratulations to Aña from marketing on being named one of Forbes magazine’s “30 Under 30”!  That Cuban birth certificate is like gold!

Former President Bill Clinton was reportedly so angry when FIFA awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup over the US that he broke a mirror in his hotel room.  Luckily, none of the five women in the room with him were hurt.

Earlier this summer, a Virginia man declared his daughter princess of an 800-square-mile expanse of African desert, calling it “The Kingdom of North Sudan.”  Last week, the six year-old was deposed in a bloodless coup and is currently awaiting trial for mass genocide.

Jerry, nobody nominated you.

A Japanese woman has released a YouTube video in which she tries to grow her breasts by massaging them with fresh summer vegetables.  YouTube has removed the woman’s other videos in which she attempts to grow her labia in the same manner.

Girls actress Allison Williams has been cast as Peter Pan in NBC’s upcoming telecast of Peter Pan Live!  As a result, the show’s title has been changed to Peter Pan: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up but Then Suddenly Did and Everybody Realized He Was Actually a Smokin’ Hot Lady Live!

Lorin Maazel, former music director of the New York Philharmonic, has died.  The New York Times called his death “coolly fastidious and emotionally distant,” adding that his “staccato breaths” towards the end were “a subtle yet winning touch.”

Go tell it on the mountain!  Shlomo Horowitz from accounting will be presenting his solo performance piece, The Unsung History of The Negro Spiritual, this Friday afternoon at 2:30 in the third floor conference room.  A change HAS come, oh lawd!

True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto has been accused of plagiarism.  “He stole everything,” said Jimmy “Fat Stacks” Dalton, 36, of Hampton, Florida, during a press conference in his mother’s basement.  “I’ve been saying for years that life is shit, people are sheep, and Lone Star is the best goddamn beer in the world.”
 
Former President George W. Bush has had his second partial knee replacement.  Bush has said he feels “great” and “could invade Iraq again tomorrow.”

Watch out for those cops!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 7/4/14

Happy Friday!  What’s a “holiday”?
 
Whitney Wolfe, co-founder of the popular dating app “Tinder,” has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company.  “In three years of working there,” Wolfe told reporters, “not one employee swiped me forward.”

Al Qaeda splinter group ISIL has declared an Islamic Caliphate in the Middle East, eliciting several groans from Ms. Peabody’s eighth grade government class.

Welcome back, Anna from HR!  We all knew you were innocent.

Louis Zamperini, World War II hero and subject of the book “Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption,” died Wednesday at the age of 97.  Or at least that’s what the Nazis think.

A Delta Airlines supervisor stands accused of defrauding the company of $22 million.  If found guilty, he will be forced to fly Delta the rest of his life.

Jerry, Betsy Ross died in 1836.

Sunday’s Pride March in Toronto ended with a natural rainbow appearing in the sky, proving once again that Canadian gays are the luckiest people on Earth.

Facebook is in hot water over its involvement in an experiment designed to manipulate people’s emotional states.  The experiment, called “Facebook,” is believed to still be occurring.
 
Celebrate America today with James from marketing!  Please… his wife left him.

Gary Oldman has apologized for making anti-Semitic remarks in a recent Playboy interview.  “I am deeply sorry,” Oldman said in a statement, “for those of you who read Playboy for the interviews.”

Hurricane Arthur briefly made landfall in North Carolina today, but was quickly blown northwards by millions of residents taking their shirts off and twisting them ‘round their heads, spinning them like helicopters.

George Washington was a racist!

-The Chairman

PS- Thanks, Jon from digital, for this HILARIOUS video!

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/27/14

Good Morning,

It’s LGBTQ week at the office!  I’m Q!  Business!
 
A Dutch UNICEF ambassador has resigned her post after tweeting a photoshopped picture of Colombian soccer players snorting cocaine off the field.  “I picked the wrong joke, and I am truly sorry,” actress Nicolette Van Dam said in a statement.  “If there’s anything Colombia is known for, it’s shooting their players after they have a bad match.”
 
Singer Katy Perry has offered to write Hillary Clinton a theme song if the senator decides to run for president in 2016.  “You already did!”  Clinton tweeted in response to the offer, “I’ve kissed several girls and I liked them!”

Big week for Anna from swimwear!  Summer’s heating up!!

Katie Couric married financier John Molner over the weekend, sadly ensuring that my Couric-Lauer fan fiction will remain just that.
 
Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed relics from an ancient plague that may have helped spread Christianity.  “These artifacts represent an important time in the history of our religion,” said Pope Francis, “and have given me a very good idea.”

Jerry, I saw the teeth marks.

According to a recent CDC study, excessive drinking causes 10% of deaths in working adults.  In non-working adults, the figure jumps to 100%.
 
A Native American group is planning to file a $9 billion lawsuit against the Cleveland Indians, claiming the organization’s “Chief Wahoo” logo is offensive.  “Based on this country’s history,” said Indians president Mark Shapiro, “we fully expect that the Native Americans will somehow wind up owing us money.”

The United States has advanced to the round of 16 at the World Cup!  In celebration, everyone gets to watch the next match on his or her DVR when he or she finishes work on Tuesday!

Actor Shia LaBeouf has been charged with disorderly conduct after disrupting a performance of Cabaret on Broadway.  “I always had a hunch, but this proved it,” said one chagrined theatergoer, “Shia LaBeouf is worse than the Nazis.”

The German government has canceled a contract with Verizon over concerns that the company may be sharing data with the US government.  “We just cannot afford to take any risks,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in a statement, “I’ve got a lot of kinky shit on my phone.”

A Maryland father recently hit a teacher with a baseball bat for sending his daughter “inappropriate texts.”  In a related story, teachers in Maryland have students’ cell phone numbers.

George from legal came out today.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/20/14

Good Afternoon,

Wow!  I was so exhausted by that week of memos that I had to take an entire week off.  Bet you wish you had that luxury… but you sure don’t.  Business!

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw threw his first no-hitter Wednesday night.  Kershaw, 26, is reportedly “elated” and “very, very wealthy.”

An Ohio boy recently came across a mummified corpse hanging in a closet while exploring a vacant house.  Clint Eastwood has since released a statement insisting he was “just resting his eyes.”

With the World Cup in full swing, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge Anna from payroll, who plays for Brazil under the name “Fred.”  Hang in there, girl!  You’ve gotta score sometime…

Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre will appear in a new campaign ad for Mississippi senator Thad Cochran.  The ad begins with Favre, seated on a tractor, saying, “As someone who sends frequent, unsolicited pictures of his penis to people, I know a thing or two about the US Senate.”

The Oakland A’s have acquired pitcher Brad Mills from the Milwaukee Brewers for $1.  Mills has since vowed to meet a prostitute with a heart of gold and team up with his Brewers replacement to take down the infamous Duke & Duke commodities brokerage firm.

No, Jerry, Zaire did not make the World Cup.

A Minnesota man has been arrested after lighting his roommate on fire.  “He made the choice not to buy toilet paper,” said Adam John Lilienthal of his now-deceased roommate, “and I made the choice to burn him alive.”

A Long Island principal stands accused of plagiarizing his yearbook remarks to graduating seniors from another principal in Albany, California.  “Well excuse me,” said the accused, Dr. Steven Strachan, “I thought I was supposed to prepare these kids for college.”
 
This is a reminder to please refrain from discussing the World Cup AT ALL while on the 11th floor.  After Spain’s elimination, José Antonio from accounting is perilously close to the edge.
 
Comedian Chelsea Handler has signed a major deal to bring a late night show to Netflix.  The show will be geared mostly towards people who don’t understand time.

A computer program at England’s Reading University has reportedly passed the Turing test for artificial intelligence, fooling a group of judges into believing it was human.  “I don’t understand,” said head judge Manti Te’o, “it told me it loved me.”

Don’t score an own goal on the company or we’ll kill you!

-The Chairman

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