Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/15/14

Afternoon, dumbwaiters.  What can you silently deliver the company today?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, already in hot water for a controversial “traffic study” during his tenure, is being investigated for misuse of federal funds after Hurricane Sandy.  “Is the president leading the investigation?” asked Christie, “because he knows a thing or two about misuse of federal funds.”

New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for the entire 2014 season for his use of performance-enhancing drugs.  This is baseball’s longest ban since Honus Wagner’s 242-game suspension in 1899 for “repeated and willful failure to wear suspenders.”

With such cold temperatures outside, why not enjoy a cup of hot cocoa?  Anna in the mailroom has set up a stand in the cafeteria and staffed it with local homeless children.  Warm up and give back!  But not to the kids, we don’t want them hanging around.

Pamela Anderson has remarried ex-husband Rick Salomon.  Besides Anderson, Salomon has previously been linked to Shannen Doherty and Paris Hilton, and his life was the inspiration for the hit comedy Lars and the Real Girl.

A Southwest Airlines flight landed at a different Missouri airport than expected on Sunday.  The flight, which was supposed to land in Branson, remarkably managed to land in a place with more meth.

Jerry, you were supposed to delete those emails before the SEC started its inquiry.  How could I have made that any clearer?

Swedish doctors have transplanted wombs into nine women in the hopes that the women will be able to become pregnant.  One of the surgeons, Dr. Mats Brannstrom, explained, “Sweden is a socialist country, and needs more taxpayers as soon as possible.”

Last week, a Chicago woman accidentally shot a 65 year-old relative during an argument about whether or not her gun would fire.  Joeann Smith, 52, won.

Remember, February is Black History Month.  Please plan accordingly.

The 13th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” occurred on January 12th, with riders from New York to Kiev participating.  Despite the cold, instances of “accidental commando” were up 13%.

Germany has fined some of its major breweries 106 million, or $145 million, for a price-fixing scandal that raised beer prices almost industry-wide in 2008.  “This is our Wolf of Wall Street,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

A Dublin man was stabbed to death Sunday night after performing an illegal chess move.  One eyewitness said, “It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.  I mean, who tries to castle out of check?”

I told you this would come on Monday, and here we are on Wednesday.  What’s the lesson?  No more promises.  Goodbye, Winthorpe.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/3/13

OK, my dearest brothers and sisters in labor, I have heard your cries.  You do not want any more introductions to these old memos, you just want the memos themselves.  The post dates will not line up with the memo dates (at least for a while) but SO BE IT.  HERE’S ANOTHER OLD MEMO:

Good evening.  I’ve received some complaints about the theme of the Thanksgiving party.  Some people have called it “racially charged” and “insensitive.”  I call those people “losers.”  Also, to those who would characterize my behavior as “harassment,” I say, “Loosen up, Susan.”  Onto the business!

Two Saudi Arabian women have been arrested for driving in the country’s capital.  One angry cleric denounced the act by saying, “According to the Qur’an, written 1500 years ago, women are strictly forbidden to drive cars.”

In an effort to compete with other, more “American” chain restaurants, the Olive Garden has added a hamburger to its menu.  The burger will be topped with mozzarella, arugula, and a tiny but feisty Sicilian matriarch shouting, “Mangia, mangia!”

The annual Kardashian Khristmas kard is out, and boy, is that family the fucking worst.

Jerry, ink and toner are NOT the same thing.

Elwood, the world’s ugliest dog, has died.  As is the case with all dogs, he will go to heaven, where he will be ostracized for all eternity.

In an effort to win back his estranged wife, a Minnesota man threw 1,000 one-dollar bills onto unsuspecting shoppers at the Mall of America.  When asked about the stunt, his wife replied, “This is why I left him.”

Hawaii has become the 15th state to legalize gay marriage.  A LOTTA PEOPLE GETTING LEI’D TONIGHT, AM I RIGHT AMERICA???  Don’t worry, I’ll show myself out.

The Republican National Committee is under fire for tweeting that Rosa Parks helped to “end racism.”  The tweet read, in part, “Today, we remember Miss Parks’ courageous and honorable decision to sit when offered a prime bus seat by a progressive and compassionate white man.”

English Olympic diver Tom Daley has announced that he is in a relationship with a man.  Lest anyone think he might be a homosexual, he casually added, “Of course I still fancy girls.”  This has been “Great Moments in British Repression.”

Thank you to George in Accounting and Margery in HR for attending the recent professional development workshop with the Alvin Ailey Dance Company!  The rest of you really missed out.  I have never felt so hip!

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire had the best Thanksgiving weekend ever at the box office, taking in $110.2 million over five days.  Analysts say the success was driven by parents who dream of a world in which teenagers kill each other for sport.

The United Nations has implicated Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in war crimes committed during the country’s ongoing civil war.  When informed of the charges, al-Assad exclaimed, “Who, me?  But I’m just a lovable chimney sweep!” before adorably tap-dancing away.

Amazon is experimenting with using unmanned drones to deliver goods to shoppers as soon as 30 minutes after online purchases.  The pilot program, started in Iraq several years ago, has been a resounding success.

A team of researchers has discovered a new sex organ in koalas’ throats.  Scientists hope this will finally end the longstanding debate over which animal gives the best blowjobs.

A leading geneticist from the University of Georgia is advancing the shocking claim that human beings evolved after a female chimpanzee mated with a male pig.  The University of Georgia is primarily known for its football team.

Ukraine’s Prime Minister believes his country is in the midst of a coup.  His therapist believes this is just another insidious manifestation of a poor self-image.

Later this week, Canada is expected to lay claim to a vast region of Arctic seafloor, presumably for hockey.

Our computers are now Y2K compliant!

Pope Francis has reportedly been sneaking out of the Vatican at night to give alms to the poor.  A surprised Jesus said, “If my dad finds out, he is SO grounded.”

Icelandic police have shot and killed a man for the first time in the country’s history.  To be fair, the guy wouldn’t stop talking about Greenland.

Japan’s infamous yakuza mobsters are increasingly turning to financial pursuits, leading some to dub them “Goldman Sachs with guns.”  Goldman Sachs, coincidentally, is often referred to in America as “yakuza without morals.”

I apologize for the lateness of this memo.  I had food poisoning yesterday, which I’m assuming was retaliation for eating everyone else’s food out of the office refrigerator.  Lesson learned.  Keep up the good work!

-The Chairman

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