Internal Memo for Monday, 11/25/13

Good Evening My Little Chicks and Chick Magnets,

Another day, another old memo for you to peruse!  So many goodies!  This one is from Thanksgiving of last year… read it with memories of turkey and stuffing and vomit!  And don’t forget to sign up for future ones HERE: http://eepurl.com/HMKYj !

-The Chairman

I hope you’re all excited for this year’s Thanksgiving party!  The theme, as usual, is Cowboys and Indians.  I’m going as William Tecumseh Sherman.  Which am I?  I’ll never tell!  Onto the business!

Infamous Broadway flop Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark will close in January 2014. Despite its massive financial losses, some insiders predict it will reopen in Las Vegas in 2015.  Producers are eyeing Cher for the role of Peter Parker, with Bette Midler as his wisecracking Jewish aunt Shoshana Goldstein.

The CW is developing a show about a terrorist cell at a “prestigious New York University.”  Forgive me for editorializing, but the CW, with its commitment to authentic storytelling and depth of character aimed at older adults who know better than to imitate what they see on TV, is just the network to do it.

A suspect has finally been arrested in conjunction with a 2008 Los Angeles sword murder.  David Blaine has pleaded the Fifth.

Iran agreed to a deal this week to limit its nuclear program in exchange for lighter economic sanctions.  Critics claim the deal is an act of deception allowing Iran to continue its quest for a nuclear bomb, while supporters say, “We’re Iran!”

Jerry, our building does not have a thirteenth floor.  Please stop telling visitors that’s where your office is.

Wal-Mart has hired a new CEO, just days before Black Friday.  Doug McMillon, former head of the company’s international division, will be 50% off starting at 6 AM and comes with a free heated blanket.  Supplies are VERY limited.

Hugh Jackman posted a picture of himself on Instagram after having skin cancer removed from the tip of his nose.  The Wolverine actor also posted a short note reading, “I hope this will finally put to rest the nasty rumors that my nose was growing because I was lying about being gay.”

Chris Brown has been kicked out of a rehab facility for “acting violently.”  When asked for comment, the sky replied, “Yup.  Still blue.”

Seven cars of an Amtrak train from New Orleans to New York derailed in Spartanburg, South Carolina over the weekend, while Dueling Banjos played slowly in the background.

Let’s all give a big round of applause to Anna in marketing for losing 125 pounds in two weeks on Weight Watchers!  She’s down to 270!  Anna, I know you wanted to be discreet about it, but this kind of achievement should not go unnoticed.  Congrats!

A recent English soccer match between Leyton Orient and Swindon Town was interrupted when a fan ran onto the field and punched one of the goalkeepers.  The match ended in a draw after it was discovered that the whole thing was a publicity stunt for the new Jason Statham thriller The Keeper, in theaters Christmas Day.

Two candidates have claimed victory in Honduras’ presidential election.  One is Toronto mayor Rob Ford who, despite receiving 0% of the vote, said in a statement, “They got drugs there, right?”

The entire office is now outfitted with lead-free fire extinguishers!  Don’t ask.

The Los Alamos National Laboratory has announced new liquid screening technology that could dramatically alter airport security measures.  In an interview with Airline magazine, Laboratory Director Charles F. McMillan said, “Here at Los Alamos, we have always been committed to the comfort and safety of men and women around the globe.  Always.”

Hanukkah and Thanksgiving will overlap this year, a rare occurrence that won’t be seen for another 79,043 years.  At this rate, the only one of us who’ll be around to see it is my wife!  Am I right?  Try the soup.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  Half day Thursday!  See you all at 6 AM!

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Tuesday, 11/19/13

Ahoy Mateys,

Yar, it’s the new year!  But it’s never too late to keep updating this blog with booty!  Booty means old memos!  Enjoy!

-The Chairman

E’ening, guvnahs.  Fancy a spot o’ eldahberry pie?  Ha-ha!  Got ya!  If you liked that, you should audition for the company production of Charles Dickens’ classic, A CHRISTMAS CAROL, which will be performed in the outdoor amphitheater December 22-25 (with two shows on Christmas Day!).  You may remember my Tiny Tim from last year, which Bob in accounting called “luminous.”  Ahhh… memories.  Onto the business:

George Zimmerman, acquitted of murder and manslaughter charges in the shooting death of unarmed youth Trayvon Martin earlier this year, has been arrested.  This marks the first arrest under Florida’s new “Fool Me Once…” statute.

Elliott Sailors, a successful female model, has changed her appearance and begun modeling as a man.  In related news, I’m gay.

A Cleveland Wal-Mart is holding a food drive for needy employees this Thanksgiving.  Although this has sparked outrage over the company’s low wages, one grateful worker said, “We work at a Wal-Mart.  In Cleveland.  We need all the help we can get.”

Jerry, the Keurig does not take Nespresso cartridges.  I thought we went over this.

Hollywood cocktail bar The Powder Room has introduced a $500 milkshake to celebrate its grand opening.  Its reported ingredients are milk, ice cream, and an Under-5 role on “Franklin and Bash.”

Recently leaked documents show that Australia has been spying on Indonesia’s president.  So much for American Exceptionalism.

Vietnam has started executing crooked bankers as a means of stopping corruption.  When asked about the radical measures, President Obama, on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard, said, “Yeah, yeah, we’re gonna do that too.”  He then sped off in his brand new Princess 40 M super yacht, a gift from Richard Fuld, formerly of Lehman Brothers.

The TSA has started installing “detention pods” at certain airports, exit doors in which passengers are detained for a few seconds before being allowed to leave.  The TSA released a statement praising the new doors, saying, “We want you to feel as uncomfortable on the ground as you do in the air.”

Anna, another baby?!  Already?!  Seems like WAY less than nine months.  Congrats!  Keep taking that folic acid just in case!

Butterball has announced a shortage of fresh turkeys in advance of Thanksgiving.  When asked how they might make up the deficit, a company spokesman said, “If worst comes to worst, we know we have 535 turkeys in Congress.”

A US teenager was given a reindeer for winning a World Cup skiing event in Finland.  Due to US regulations, she is not allowed to bring the animal back with her, so it will be shipped to the North Pole where it will “work for Santa,” a Finnish euphemism for “be slaughtered and shipped back to Finland for meat.”

Officials at Princeton University are considering the use of an unapproved meningitis vaccine to stop a possible outbreak on campus.  The school has seen seven cases of the rare disease since March.  Princeton’s president, Christopher L. Eisgruber, released a statement reading, “We sometimes forget that Princeton is in New Jersey, a place so foul and disgusting that outbreaks like this are not only possible, but routine.”

Another late memo!  What gives?!  Well, first let me apologize for all the computers being down yesterday.  I’m not gonna name names, but here’s a friendly reminder that it’s “Take Your Dog to Work Day” and not “Take Your Dog to the Server Room Day.”  TTYNW (Talk To You Next Week)!

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget to spread the word to your colleagues and friends.  Here’s the link to sign up: http://eepurl.com/HMKYj.  And feel free to respond to this email with any comments/suggestions/cat videos.  God be with you (and also with me).

Internal Memo for Tuesday, 11/12/13

Dearest Worker Bees,

Here again is one of the weekly memos I’ve been sending out lately.  Let this also serve as a reminder to sign up for said memo (if you haven’t already done so) here.  I hope to catch up to the current one soon enough but, in the meantime, this will have to do.  Hope you’re having a phenomenal Wednesday evening at work!

-The Chairman

Yahtzee!  Suck it, Jerry.

Miley Cyrus is in hot water this week after smoking what appeared to be a joint onstage while accepting her MTV European Music Award in Amsterdam.  Her lawyers have issued a statement reading, in part, “As she has repeatedly stated about such matters, Miss Cyrus can’t stop, Miss Cyrus won’t stop, and it is Miss Cyrus’ mouth, she can smoke, kiss, eat, sing, fellate, etc. whatsoever and whomsoever she wants to.”

Florida college basketball player Anthony Allen dunked so hard on Friday night that he broke the rim off the backboard.  The tiny, Christian college has since updated the “Academics” section of its website to read: “Florida College offers a rigorous higher education, taught through the lens of a biblical worldview, with an emphasis on THROWING THAT SHIT DOWN.”

In secular college news, Harvard University’s deficit grew to $34 million in 2013, an increase of nearly $26 million from the previous fiscal year.  The school said it will have to face “increasingly complicated yet unavoidable choices” regarding the deficit in coming years, despite a $32.7 billion endowment.  In related news, can anybody explain to me how colleges work?

Let’s all extend a big thank you to Anna in PR for organizing the company field day this past Thursday.  Girl, you know your croquet!

Hit British television show Downton Abbey has been renewed for a fifth season (or, as the British call it, “series”).  Other things the British say wrong are “lorry,” “mum,” and “football.”

The US Postal Service will start delivering certain packages on Sundays.  This serves as an important reminder that “package” remains a “naughty word,” as defined in Section 7, Article II of the latest company bylaws.  Remember, sexual harassment in the workplace will NOT be tolerated.  Please report any and all claims to Stephen (formerly Stephanie) in HR.  Have a fantastic day!

An Italian man was without his car for five weeks after forgetting where he parked it during Munich’s annual Oktoberfest.  Authorities found the car within a week but held it for four more because, in the words of one German officer, “Italians are ze über dummkopfs.”

Happy Veterans Day!  Don’t forget to donate to our sponsored charity this month, “Scoops for the Troops,” a nonprofit providing returning soldiers and their families with ice cream and frozen yogurt related utensils.  To donate, visit Anna in PR on the third floor.  Anna has already raised enough money for two hot fudge dispensers!

Scientists say Earth is at risk for an increasing number of asteroid strikes in the coming years.  When asked why, one anonymous scientist replied, “Well, if we learned anything from Deep Impact, it’s that asteroid strikes naturally follow the election of a black president.”

A Texas company has created a metal gun using a 3-D printer.  Run.

And the winner of this year’s Robert S. McNamara award for total compliance goes to (drumroll, please)… Anna in PR!  God DAMMIT, Anna, you are on FIRE.

I think I may actually have the flu (hence the lateness of this memo).  Who’s getting fired?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Monday, 11/04/13

Loyal Employees,

Below is the second in a recent series of Internal Memos that have been circulating.  As I have previously mentioned, I will endeavor to begin updating these as they come in.  But, in the meantime, please enjoy this entry from November 4th, 2013.

-The Chairman

Good evening, dignitaries, heads of state, and honored guests.  Let’s get right to the minutes from the meeting of our lives.

A German magazine is reporting that a 2011 police raid of an octogenarian’s apartment liberated over $1 billion worth of art stolen by the Nazis.  The Hollywood film about the raid, starring Christoph Waltz as both the apartment owner and the police chief, began shooting last week and will be ready in time for the 2015 Oscars.

Last week, Stanford University students again took part in the annual “Full Moon on the Quad” celebration, where upperclassmen welcome freshmen to campus by kissing them.  The tradition is adapted from an ongoing, more explicit Arizona State tradition students call “College.”

Jerry, what have I told you about using the women’s bathroom?

US drug company Johnson & Johnson has reached a $2.2 billion settlement in a case involving the fraudulent marketing of schizophrenia drugs Risperdal and Invega, and the heart failure drug Natrecor.  The company has since issued a statement calling their “No More Tears” slogan “unfortunate.”

I’d like to take a minute to recognize Anna in HR for her fantastic pumpkin carving at the Halloween party.  It’s like Jakob Dylan was in the room with us!

Maine gubernatorial candidate Mike Michaud has come out as gay.  I don’t care.  Do you care?  Yeah, me neither.  Ya know, it’s weird that that’s news.  Ya know?  I mean, in this day and age.  I certainly don’t care.  Who cares?  Who cares, anyway?  I know I don’t.  Ya know?  Good.  Yeah.  Good.

The African mosquito known for spreading Dengue and Yellow Fever has been spotted in California.  Though scientists do not fear an outbreak of disease, government officials have already begun an aggressive campaign to tax the insect out of the state.

Congrats to Stephen and Geena Havermayer for winning the companywide costume contest!  Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly never looked so good!

An NYU student has been rescued after being trapped between two Manhattan buildings for nearly two days.  The incident has caused many current parents to question the school’s policy on what constitutes an “independent study.”

You were all an hour late to work on Sunday.  What happened?

An Oklahoma man shot his friend in the back while the two allegedly searched the woods for Bigfoot.  The gun, like Bigfoot, has not been found.

If you still haven’t gotten a flu shot, you’re fired.  The rest of you, keep up the good work!

-The Chairman

PS- Some of you have been wondering about the frequency of these emails.  Until further notice, they will happen weekly on Monday.  If any employees (or prospective employees) of the company have yet to sign up, make sure they do so here.  Forward.