Internal Memo for Friday, 4/29/16

Good afternoon, flying monkeys!  A bit of wisdom from yours truly to jump start your day:

Success is not a destination, but the road that you’re on.  Being successful means that you’re working hard and walking your walk every day.  You can only live your dream by working hard towards it.  That’s living your dream.

Amen, me.  Business!

Music legend Prince, found dead last week at his home in suburban Minneapolis, reportedly left no will.  His sister said that the singer, a devout Jehovah’s Witness, requested to be buried in his house along with all of his belongings, and that the house be left untouched until he saw fit to resurrect himself and, quote, “Show y’all motherfuckers what I learned in the afterlife.”

Archaeologists in Mongolia have unearthed a 1,500-year-old mummy that appears to be wearing Adidas sneakers.  “We’ve finally found him,” lead researcher Enkhtuya Enkhjargal said of the discovery, “the real O.G.”

Y’all GOTSTA give it up for Anna from the maaaaaiiiilllroooooooooom!  She just won the company freestyle battle (sponsored by Warner Bros. new movie Barbershop: The Next Cut– now playing in select cities) for the fourth year in a row!  Girl can spit, yanahmean?  I don’t!

A tiger was seen wandering the streets of suburban Houston last week.  “I certainly did not purchase, train, and release a tiger in the hopes that it would maul Dwight Howard in retaliation for all of the pain and suffering he has caused this great city over the past three years,” Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey said at a recent press conference.  “I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

Scientists have discovered a giant coral reef off the coast of Brazil.  The reef is expected to disappear in 2-3 months, as the coral is harvested and mixed with elephant ivory and rainforest wood to create an expensive Chinese medicine used to treat occasional dandruff.

Jerry, please refrain from calling him “Bob Barker: Pet Eugenicist.”

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin was recently photographed walking on the beach in Los Angeles with actress Heather Graham.  Coincidentally, this week’s Goop newsletter includes Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe for “Heather Graham crackers,” which calls for two non-GMO graham crackers covered in organic human shit.

Bernie Sanders’ campaign launched a special Snapchat filter on the day of the New York Democratic primary earlier this month, irritating some voters.  The filter reportedly employed facial recognition to identify people making more than $35,000 a year and branded them with the words “CORPORATE FUCKING SCUM.”

The NFL Draft continues tonight!  Or, as brain doctors call it, “Christmas.”

Speaking of the draft, former #1 overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell says he would play for free to get another shot at the NFL.  Russell, who made $36.4 million during his 3 years in the league, is being hailed as “the Mother Teresa of football.”

Pictures have been posted online of a group of high school students in Princeton, New Jersey playing a Holocaust-themed game of beer pong.  “Those pictures are definitely fake,” said junior Jon Hansen, one of the students allegedly involved in the game.  “Just like the events it’s based on, that game never happened.  Am I still suspended?”

I have just been informed that, quite RIDICULOUSLY, some people thought I plagiarized my earlier inspirational quote.  I would like to assure you that, like my brotha in arms, the ever-vigilant Shaun King, I have been misrepresented.  You see, in the first draft of this memo, I had properly attributed the above words to their source, the inimitable Marlon Wayans.  Unfortunately for all involved, my editor inexplicably removed the attribution after the piece had left my hands.  Utterly preposterous.  And I don’t even have an editor.  If I did, he would have been fired.

Disgusting.

Stay strong, Shaun.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 4/22/16

Wow, what a day!  I’m soooooooooooooooooo “high.”  Business!

New York magazine alleges that professional buffoon Donald Trump has an “arsenal” of secrets about Fox News chairman Roger Ailes with which he could blackmail the network head.  According to the magazine, Trump is one of the few people to have visited Ailes at his home office: Hell.

Personal care giant Johnson & Johnson has been ordered to pay $72 million as part of a lawsuit linking its baby powder to ovarian cancer.  As part of the settlement, the company will also change its slogan from “No More Tears” to “Lots More Tumors.”

Anna, that is one fat “spliff!”  And your butt’s not bad, either!

A 3-year-old Chinese boy was rescued recently after he fell down a 295-foot well.  The dog who rescued him, known as the “Chinese Lassie,” was subsequently eaten as part of the Yulin dog-meat festival, the world’s foremost birthplace of pernicious stereotypes.

A Russian billionaire is attempting to achieve immortality by uploading his brain to a computer.  “With this procedure,” businessman Dmitry Itskov said in a statement, “I will finally be able to see the day when Russia will again be a major player on the world stage.”

Jerry, stop being such a “narc!”

Hilary Clinton’s campaign chairman hinted at a government cover up of UFOs in a recent interview with CNN.  “I looked into it after Bernie won Michigan,” John Podesta told “The Lead.”  “I thought ‘who’s believes this shit?’  Low and behold: aliens.”

Two actors’ necks were slit during the opening night performance of Sweeney Todd at a New Zealand high school.  It was the school’s worst accident since last fall, when two actors contracted AIDS during the opening night of Rent.

Whoa, like… is the floor moving?  Charles?  Jackie?  Prudence Hopefeather?  I’m “freakin out” “dudes!”

During a surprise appearance at Comic Con, director James Cameron announced plans for four Avatar sequels.  “Don’t worry,” Cameron told the stunned audience, “there’s nowhere to go but up!  Four times!”

Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer garnered praise recently when he saved a young girl from being trampled after a Justin Bieber concert.  When asked why he was at the concert in the first place, Hosmer replied, “I knew I shouldn’t have saved her.”

Wait what?

When was it?

Really?

Then what’s that smell?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 4/15/16

It’s a beautiful day in the gig economy!  Health insurance is soooooo 1998.  Business!

A Minnesota company has created a gun that looks exactly like a cell phone.  Though merely a prototype, the weapon is said to have a longer range than both T-Mobile and Sprint.

Louisiana Tech Women’s Basketball coach Tyler Summitt, son of legendary Tennessee Women’s Basketball coach Pat Summitt, has resigned following reports that he impregnated one of his players.  When informed of the situation, the Louisiana Tech athletic department was reportedly “shocked and disappointed” to learn that one of the team’s players was interested in men.

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on finally beating cancer!  She’s in a better place now.  A memorial service will be held next Tuesday in the second floor break room (next to the water cooler).

An extremely rare copy of Shakespeare’s first folio has been found on the Scottish Isle of Bute.  The discovery is a major boon for Scottish literacy, which the English had previously asserted began around 1993.

In other Shakespeare news, marijuana residue has been found on pipes unearthed from the legendary playwright’s garden.  “This discovery explains the greatest mystery of Shakespeare’s life:” researcher Edward Rathbone told reporters, “The Tempest.”

Jerry, calling you by your name does not “insult your German heritage.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has declared that the leak of the recent “Panama Papers” is an American attempt to destabilize Russia in advance of the country’s September elections.  “If you thought Chernobyl was bad, wait til you see how many people this leak kills!” Putin said in his annual press conference.  “Too soon?”

The Golden State Warriors beat the Minnesota Timberwolves Wednesday night to become the first team in NBA history to win 73 games during a single regular season.  The Warriors broke the previous record of 72 wins set by the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, which stopped at that number because Michael Jordan bet on it.

It’s been a long week.  Need a drink?  Head to the monthly AA meeting in conference room B.  For your family’s sake!

Cloud analysis suggests that global warming could be much worse than previously thought.  To those who don’t believe the phenomenon exists, it remains about the same.

The first trailer for the upcoming Star Wars spinoff film, Rogue One, was released last week.  It features an opening shot of Jawas riding banthas on the planet Tatooine, followed by two minutes of George Lucas masturbating with a $100 bill.

What is with you people and Snapchat?  Keep it in your pants, teens!

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/7/16

Good Afternoon,

Today, I am racked with guilt.  I had no idea that my April Fool’s prank last week would cause any suicides…

And it didn’t!  April Fools AGAIN.  Ba-ZING.  Killed it.  Nailed it.  To the cross.  Put it on Gesthemane with two thieves.  Took it down and put it in a cave.  Came back and it was gone.  Wrote the Bible.  The rest is history.  JESUS CHRIST I’m good.  BUSINESS!

The Inspector General’s Office of the US Department of Justice has revealed that the Drug Enforcement Administration spent $86 million on a plane that was never used.  The plane was intended for use in Afghanistan, a country that cost $1 trillion and will also likely never be used.

Pritzker Prize-winning architect Zaha Hadid has died at the age of 65.  As a woman in the male-dominated field of architecture, she was most famous for reasons which will soon be forgotten.

Congratulations to Anna from our Chile office on becoming a grandmother for the third time, just shy of her 35^th birthday!  Things sure are different down there.

For the second year in a row, a student from Long Island’s Elmont Memorial High School has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seventeen year-old Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna has requested that she be killed very soon in a “carefully orchestrated accident,” so as not to risk further tarnishing her legacy.

Microsoft was quickly forced to delete its latest foray into Artificial Intelligence, a Twitter bot modeled after a teenage girl, after it proclaimed its love for Hitler and incest.  “We here at Microsoft would like to apologize,” the company said in a statement.  “This has been our biggest failure since… what version of Windows are we on?”

Jerry, please stop referring to it as “Old Mexico.”

General Hospital stars Brandon Barash and Kristen Storms are divorcing.  Who?

Bernie Sanders supporter Susan Sarandon recently stopped by MSNBC to declare that she would vote for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton because Trump would “bring the revolution immediately” if elected.  When asked if she would be a target of said revolution, Sarandon replied, “Me?  Please.  I’m far too rich.”

How about that March, huh?  Who knew both lions and lambs laid off their workers?

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has banned all non-essential state travel to North Carolina after the southern state passed a bill discriminatory towards transgender individuals.  In response, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory released a statement reading, “Suck a dick, fag.”

Bernie Sanders has questioned whether fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is “qualified” to be president.  “She’s simply not in touch with the average American,” Sanders said at a recent rally.  “If she walked down Main Street in Burlington tomorrow, would she accept a puff off a one-hitter offered by the local organic spelt farmer?  Would she peruse the Crow Bookshop for tips on cosleeping with a recently adopted African child?  Would she have a threesome with Ben & Jerry?  Break up the banks!”

“Enjoy” the “weekend,” minions!  What Panama Papers?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 4/1/16

Good Afternoon,

I am writing today in the hopes that you will understand my plight.  I have lately been ruminating on the very meaning of life itself and have subsequently come to some startling conclusions about the state of the world and my place in it.  You see, when I was a child, I voraciously consumed the writings of Nietzsche and Sartre, to the point where I found them cliché by the age of six.  I then moved onto the harder stuff: cocaine.  It was through many sour bumps and sleepless nights that I surrendered, eventually, to the gnawing terror that was eating away at my soul from all angles.  I was a latter-day Prometheus, enduring the wholesale feast of my own insides only to see them sprout again anew in time for the next round of maltreatment.  If I tried to escape, I feared I would be met at the gate by the mangy Cerberus in all his multitudinous glory.  I had no recourse but to retreat deeper and deeper into the dark underbelly of my mind and its severe depression until I no longer resembled the person I used to be.  I became a shadow of a shadow, a reflection of a world unknown and unknowable to human senses with no ascertainable means of survey or orientation.  It was at this point that I stood face to face with Shakespeare’s fell sergeant himself: Death.  I greeted him as one would an old friend or distant lover, and he in kind presented me with the greatest gift I could have imagined: certainty.  As I stood facing this omnipotent entity at once dreamed of and repudiated by humankind I felt awash with a kind of compassion I can only imagine Tibetan monks know as they first shear the hair from their undeserving heads.  In this, the thinnest sliver of moments, that we face-swapped.  Indeed, like Face/Off.  I had no clue that the closest and most indispensable ally to the prince of darkness, and indeed the galaxy that holds the whole of human anxiety and suffering was a Cage fan.  But he was.  In hindsight, I should’ve known from the shades.  Upon completion of our suddenly appointed physiognomic transition, my path was cleared back towards the light of existence in the physical realm, in which I had entirely forgotten how to function.  I was but a newborn babe, suckling impotently at the teat of an arresting idea of the future, clothed only in the ominous swaddling of destruction.  The sun burned hot and mighty upon my fragile figure as I burst back into its glow, whereupon I was met by a crowd of incensed townsfolk who, upon alighting their gaze upon my new, dreadful apparatus, inclined themselves so as to render my subsequent fate unlivable upon their terra firma.  The chase was short, yet eventful; my pride eventually succumbed to their bloodlust in the most savage display of psychosis I have seen in form corporeal or eternal.  What was an orgy of reconciliation for one side was, for the other side, a surefire declaration of an inability to further exist as constituted then or thereafter.  So there, and with the grace of God, went I, supremely confident in the knowledge that that same I, or rather, not I, but a villainous nebulosity masquerading as some heinously inadequate and delirious identity of self, had forfeited forever my ability to tread either realm, with gods or men, upon penalty of the only possible human fate worse than the entity whose countenance had betrimmed my darkest hour: heresy.

It is with this in mind, and with a heavy heart, that I must announce my resignation from this company effective immediately.  All duties will heretofore be transferred to Jerry, to whom you will all answer and give proper, though wholly undeserved, honor and respect.  It has been a pleasure serving you all, and making all of that money, but the time has come to spread my wings and fly where eagles do, on the mountain high.  Farewell, my minions, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

April Fools!

-The Chairman

PS- Should anyone identify with any of the above, we will have mental health counselors on call during this difficult day of attempted humor.