Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/29/14

Morning, Grammy snubs.  Let’s get right to the business.

President Obama delivered his fifth State of the Union address last night to multiple standing ovations.  The constant clapping has been hailed as the most left-right coordination the capital has seen in decades.

At one point during his speech, the President said, “I believe when women succeed, America succeeds.”  The subsequent applause was drowned out by the sound of several Founding Fathers turning over in their graves.

Let’s all give a warm companywide welcome to Anna, my newest intern!  C’mon, missy- let’s make that “college credit” count!

Almost 650 people have taken ill on a Royal Caribbean cruise that set sail from New Jersey.  Congratulations, Jersey: you’ve outdone yourself yet again.

Football players at Northwestern University have filed a petition to unionize college athletes.  This comes on the heels of a similar petition filed by Northwestern’s Sigma Chi fraternity that reads: “No fat chicks.”

Jerry, we stopped giving guided tours of the office three years ago.  Who were those people?

An elderly Florida man has been arrested for allegedly masturbating in a McDonald’s parking lot.  As a result, the fast food chain is revisiting its one honey mustard policy.

According to documents leaked by Edward Snowden, the NSA has been collecting Americans’ personal data through the popular game “Angry Birds.”  “It’s not rocket science, people,” said NSA head General Keith Alexander, “the object of the game is to kill all the pigs.”

It’s awards season, everybody, so why not bone up on your pop culture knowledge ON YOUR OWN TIME.  Just another friendly reminder that we monitor all Internet activity here at the office.

$9.84 charges have been appearing on credit and debit card statements worldwide in what could be a massive scam.  However, it could also be an incredible investment opportunity!  Click here to learn more!

Two Seattle Seahawks fans have named their daughter “Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann” after the team’s nickname for its fan base.  This marks the first time a child has been named after a team’s fans since 2012, when two Philadelphia Eagles supporters welcomed baby “Vincent Randall Asshole Wallace.”

Happy hump day, everyone.  I’ve decided to start sending this memo on Wednesdays in the hopes of boosting morale midweek.  Has it worked so far?  I say yes!  Now get back to work you maggots!

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/22/14

Sup, dicks?  Who wants to see fuckin’ Wolf of Wall Street this week?  OSCARS.

The Super Bowl is set, with the Denver Broncos playing the Seattle Seahawks in New Jersey.  The game is expected to generate record advertising revenue, with one square foot on Peyton Manning’s forehead going for $2.5 million.

Manufacturer Truitt Brothers is recalling over a million pounds of Kraft Velveeta Cheesy Skillets Singles after failing to identify soy as an ingredient.  Twitter user @PerFeCTmom394 wrote, “@kraftfoods U should be ashamed. Soy?? mmy kid don’t eat dat healthy shi*t. Tupac is live”.

Tax season will be upon us before you know it!  Why not get a head start?  James in legal will be holding a seminar on how to set up your very own dummy corporation this Wednesday at 2 PM in the basement.  The password is SWORDFISH.

Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones will join the US bobsled team in Sochi, making her one of only a handful of Americans to compete in both the summer and winter Olympics.  Commentators are speculating that Jones joined the team to tap into the lucrative bobsled endorsement market, valued at approximately $3.2 worldwide.

A massive sinkhole has opened up in downtown Detroit.  The space has since been occupied by a writers’ colony calling itself “Independent Sinkers.”

A Maryland mother killed two of her children last week during an attempted exorcism.  The children have since come back to life and are currently terrorizing several promiscuous teens at a house in the wilderness.

A big thank you to Anna in HR for collecting everyone’s snow waivers in time for this latest blizzard.  Remember, if you slip on company property, we will beat your ass in court.  Be safe!!

According to the American College of Sports Medicine’s latest American Fitness Index, the fittest city in America is Minneapolis, Minnesota.  The city’s beloved Mall of America recently became its own municipality, which ranked 764^th.

The high value of California’s nut crops has led to an increase in theft.  “I’m confused,” said almond farmer Derek Martin, “I thought for sure they’d steal the pot.”

Jerry, please empty the garbage from your cubicle.  The entire third floor smells like TaB.

From 2002 to 2010, the number of pubic hair grooming injuries in America quintupled.  Experts blame global warming.

HBO is moving episodes of Girls and Looking to Saturday, February 1^st to avoid conflicts with the Super Bowl.  This change will not affect viewers watching on the HBO GO app, which is all of them.

Adios for this week, amigos.  See you in a week or when Jacqueline Bisset finishes her speech, whichever comes first.

-The Chairman

PS- It’s about time I gave a “shout out” to our friends at Fark.com, Yahoo.com and MSN.com for their aggregation of some of these crazy stories.  Good work, pioneers of the Internet.  Keep getting rich off other people’s stuff.

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/15/14

Afternoon, dumbwaiters.  What can you silently deliver the company today?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, already in hot water for a controversial “traffic study” during his tenure, is being investigated for misuse of federal funds after Hurricane Sandy.  “Is the president leading the investigation?” asked Christie, “because he knows a thing or two about misuse of federal funds.”

New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for the entire 2014 season for his use of performance-enhancing drugs.  This is baseball’s longest ban since Honus Wagner’s 242-game suspension in 1899 for “repeated and willful failure to wear suspenders.”

With such cold temperatures outside, why not enjoy a cup of hot cocoa?  Anna in the mailroom has set up a stand in the cafeteria and staffed it with local homeless children.  Warm up and give back!  But not to the kids, we don’t want them hanging around.

Pamela Anderson has remarried ex-husband Rick Salomon.  Besides Anderson, Salomon has previously been linked to Shannen Doherty and Paris Hilton, and his life was the inspiration for the hit comedy Lars and the Real Girl.

A Southwest Airlines flight landed at a different Missouri airport than expected on Sunday.  The flight, which was supposed to land in Branson, remarkably managed to land in a place with more meth.

Jerry, you were supposed to delete those emails before the SEC started its inquiry.  How could I have made that any clearer?

Swedish doctors have transplanted wombs into nine women in the hopes that the women will be able to become pregnant.  One of the surgeons, Dr. Mats Brannstrom, explained, “Sweden is a socialist country, and needs more taxpayers as soon as possible.”

Last week, a Chicago woman accidentally shot a 65 year-old relative during an argument about whether or not her gun would fire.  Joeann Smith, 52, won.

Remember, February is Black History Month.  Please plan accordingly.

The 13^th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” occurred on January 12^th, with riders from New York to Kiev participating.  Despite the cold, instances of “accidental commando” were up 13%.

Germany has fined some of its major breweries €106 million, or $145 million, for a price-fixing scandal that raised beer prices almost industry-wide in 2008.  “This is our Wolf of Wall Street,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

A Dublin man was stabbed to death Sunday night after performing an illegal chess move.  One eyewitness said, “It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.  I mean, who tries to castle out of check?”

I told you this would come on Monday, and here we are on Wednesday.  What’s the lesson?  No more promises.  Goodbye, Winthorpe.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/8/14

Hellooooooo, my little Pop-Tarts.  I know what you’re thinking: “A Wednesday memo?  What gives?”  Well, as some of you know, the holidays are my favorite time of year, and I felt it necessary to take three and a half weeks off.  Think about it – Christmas, New Years, Epiphany, Boxing Day, Hanukkah usually – there’s a lot to celebrate during our long December.  Plus, there’s reason to believe.  Onto the business!

A high school student in Georgia has been suspended one year for hugging a teacher.  Sam McNair, 17, has released a statement reading, “If she didn’t want a hug, she shouldn’t have worn her hair in that tight bun.”

Two pandas born at an Atlanta zoo in July were inaccurately classified as males.  It was recently determined that Mei Lun and Mei Huan were females after they went several months without masturbating.

Chinese doctors saved a Chinese factory worker’s severed hand by attaching it to his calf until the man’s arm healed.  Senate democrats are calling it a major victory for Obamacare.

Jerry, I asked you to do one thing while I was gone.  ONE THING, JERRY.

The London Metropolitan Police has determined that there is no credibility to rumors that Princess Diana was murdered by the British military.  The two branches of government then shook hands, said “Right-o,” and sat down to afternoon tea.

Canada’s Flare Magazine has come under fire recently for its heavily airbrushed June 2011 cover photo of actress Jennifer Lawrence.  The charming Lawrence has laughed off the controversy, saying, “It’s Canada- who gives a fuck?”

No foreigners have been granted Belgian citizenship since a January 1^st, 2013 law that requires applicants to “have shown, or be able to show, outstanding services to Belgium in fields such as science, sport or culture.”  The law is what the Belgians call a “Prise Vingt-Deux.”

And the winner for best New Year’s resolution is… ANNA IN LEGAL.  I have complete confidence that you’ll be able to stop that civil war in South Sudan without taking a single day off from work.

Former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe claims he was cut because of his outspoken support of marriage equality.  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf has denied the allegations, stating, “I don’t care who you are or what you do, just so long as you do your job and buy tickets.  Fill the whole stadium up with gays for all I care.  Just don’t let ‘em kiss.  That’s gross.”

Eight inmates in a Utah prison have taken ill after drinking homemade wine tainted with botulism.  Worth it.

A University of Georgia study has concluded that frozen vegetables may be more nutritious than fresh ones.  Updating a previous item, the University of Georgia is still primarily known for its football team.

INTERACTIVE CONTENT: There’s another masturbation joke at the end of this email- can you spot it?

An original painting by George Zimmerman sold for over $100,000 on eBay.  The painting is titled If I Did It.

British department store Harrods is selling a gold-plated Xbox One for 6,000 pounds, or $9,755.  The system is currently on backorder as Kanye West has purchased the first 500.

A Canadian man who lived in a bunker for 14 years to avoid the effects of Y2K has finally emerged.  Norman Feller, now 58, has released a statement reading, “Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for your lovely catalogue.”

Next memo on Monday, my minions.  Now FLY.  FLY TOWARDS PROFIT.

-The Chairman