Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/14

Good evening, True Detectives.  Who is the Yellow King?

Jason Collins made his season debut with the Brooklyn Nets on Sunday, becoming the first openly gay player in NBA history.  “Good for him,” said former Nets owner Sean Carter, AKA Jay-Z, “Big day for faggots.”

Whole Foods Market is negotiating a deal to “coexist” with infamous purveyor of genetically engineered crops, Monsanto.  As part of the agreement, Monsanto is free to plant all of the soybeans it wants in Czechoslovakia.

A California couple found $10 million in buried treasure while walking their dog last year.  According to California law, the couple must pay 2/3rds of the money in taxes, and the rest to their dog.

Anna’s gone viral!  Anna from legal, that is- she’s contracted a rare strain of bird flu so we’ve quarantined her on the fifth floor.  Steer clear!

“Ghostbusters” star and “Animal House” writer Harold Ramis has died at 69.  He would’ve wanted it this way.

New York Yankees hitting coach Kevin Long said the team had to beg recently departed second baseman Robinson Cano to hustle.  This story is over a week old, but Cano delivered it to me himself.

First Lady Michelle Obama is under fire for wearing a $12,000 dress to a recent White House dinner.  “$12,000?” said political commentator Catherine Riviera, “that’s almost 12 minutes of taxpayer funded campaign advertising!”

Jerry, the cafeteria is not the place for “casual encounters.”

An eighth-grade quarterback has committed to LSU.  “It’s always been a dream of mine to play at LSU,” said Zadock Dinkelmann, 14, “plus it’s the only school whose name I could spell.”

A federal judge in San Antonio has struck down a Texas law banning same-sex marriage.  “I think it’s the right decision,” said Texas governor Rick Perry, “all Texans should be allowed to get married, same as all Texans should be allowed to kill judges.”

San Diego State running back Adam Muema said God told him to leave the NFL scouting combine early, possibly impacting his draft stock.  “Yup, you heard right,” said God, the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, “I chose the guy from San Diego State.”

And the winner of our Olympic pool is… drumroll please… Sam Schneiderman in accounts payable!  He correctly predicted that bear would shed just one tear during the closing ceremonies.  Enjoy your trip to Pennsylvania Dutch Country!

“Avatar” star Sam Worthington was arrested Sunday in New York for allegedly punching a photographer.  “Sorry,” Worthington said in a statement, “I’m Australian.”

General Motors is recalling 1.37 million vehicles due to a dangerous ignition problem that has killed 13 people.  For those keeping score at home, that’s one death for every $777 million in federal bailout money given to the company.

Former heavyweight boxing champion Vitali Klitschko is expected to run for president of Ukraine this May.  When asked about his plans for the country, Klitschko simply replied, “Pain.”
 
Do you ever feel like the moon is both waxing and waning?  No?  Just me?  GET BACK TO WORK.
 
-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/14

Hope you all had a nice Valentine’s Day WITHOUT ME.  Let’s get right to the heartbreak, I MEAN, business.

A recently released document shows that the head of the U.S. special forces ordered the destruction of all images of Osama Bin Laden’s body within two weeks of the raid that killed the Al Qaeda leader.  The special protocol has only been employed twice before, for dangerous terrorist leaders Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.

Chevron has given residents of Bobtown, Pennsylvania coupons for free pizza after a fracking well exploded in their town.  “Hell yeah,” said local Sam Clifton, 31, “fracking rocks!”

Charlie Sheen is engaged to porn star Brett Rossi.  The happy couple is set to break the Guinness World Record for unique STDs in a marriage, with 25.

Let’s all bid a big “Aloha!” to Anna from the cafeteria!  She won last week’s raffle and will be enjoying an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii with her beau, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt.  Don’t tell Zsa Zsa!

Facebook is buying messaging giant WhatsApp for $19 billion, in a desperate attempt to bring back the poke.
 
A 101 year-old Florida man has announced he is running for congress, just as soon as he finishes this Matlock marathon.

Jerry, leave the girl scouts alone.  Let them sell their cookies.

A new study suggests that many animals see in ultraviolet.  No one is safe.

Nigerian police shut down a hotel restaurant that had been serving human flesh after finding two human heads wrapped in cellophane inside.  “Gimme a break,” said head chef Leo Adibe, “do you know how hard it is to get that Michelin Star?”

The United States won the gold medal in ice dancing, sparking outrage among those who thought Canada should ha… what?  Huh?  Oh, sorry, I must have nodded off.
 
The office aviary has a new species on display!  C’mon up to the thirteenth floor- the Guerrero Brush Finch isn’t gonna watch itself!

A Miami artist has destroyed a $1 million Ai Weiwei vase as an act of protest.  When asked what he was protesting, Maximo Caminero replied, “High vase prices!  C’mon down to Caminero’s Discount Vase Emporium!  We have over 500 different types of rare and hard-to-find vases, including those from-“ before being subdued by police.
 
Michael Sam Sr., father of recently outed NFL prospect and University of Missouri standout Michael Sam, is struggling with the news that his son is gay.  “It’s just that he’s about to make millions of dollars,” Sam Sr. said, “and piss it all away on high-waisted cut offs.”

Hope you’ve all enjoyed this late night memo.  I’m just at the office putting the finishing touches on our merger with Comcast and Time Warner.  Don’t worry… it’s gonna go through.  Monopolies!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/12/14

Good evening.  I’d like to start, in a rare show of humility, by chastising my performance on last week’s memo.  I strive to keep my workforce abreast of global happenings in an intelligent and unapologetic manner, but last week was not up to snuff.  Please delete last week’s offering from your mailboxes immediately.  I will be conducting an independent review of everyone’s computers at the end of the quarter and anyone found with copies of that email will face immediate, punitive litigation.  Happy Wednesday!
 
This week, Wesley Snipes became incensed when an LA reporter mistook him for Laurence Fishburne.
 
New York City-based BrightFarms, Inc. has raised almost $5 million to build greenhouses on or near urban supermarkets.  The company’s CEO Paul Lightfoot released a statement reading, “When the rest of the country legalizes pot, we’ll be ready.”
 
Thanks to Anna in Accounting, the office is now eco-friendly!  We’ve replaced Styrofoam with biodegradable corn cups.  They’re delicious!  I had two for breakfast.
 
Legendary Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has announced he will retire at the end of the season.  “It’s time to focus on what’s really important,” Jeter said.  “Pussy.”
 
University of Missouri football player and NFL prospect Michael Sam has come out as gay, prompting speculation that teams will avoid drafting him.  “I don’t care if he’s gay,” said one NFL GM, “I just don’t trust a man with two first names.”
 
The Lego Movie opened this week amidst allegations that it promotes communism.  Lego has issued a statement denying the allegations and reminding people that the best way to fight communism is to buy more Legos.
 
Jerry, a food fight?  C’mon.
 
Sky, a five year-old wire fox terrier, took home Best in Show at the 138th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.  “I’d like to thank my family and friends” said Sky, through a translator, “and most of all: Beggin’ Strips: I don’t know it’s not bacon!”
 
Beloved child star Shirley Temple died Tuesday at the age of 85.  Meanwhile, the Shirley Temple is as popular as ever!
 
Don’t forget to RSVP for this week’s installment of the Friday Lecture Series: “The Bright Future of MS-DOS” with computer scientist Sergey Medvedeyev.
 
Organizers have had to fill empty seats with volunteers at the poorly attended Sochi Olympics.  “Yes,” said Chief Organizer Dmitry Chernyshenko, “ ’volunteers.’ ”
 
Tonight’s Duke-North Carolina basketball game has been postponed.  “We’d love to play,” said UNC head coach Roy Williams, “but our team is just too syphilitic to compete.”
 
Enjoy the snow, lemmings!  I’ll be burning up the slopes in Aspen with my best friend Robert Blake!  He didn’t kill his wife!
 
-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/5/14

All right, my Casual Friday cohorts, I’m long overdue in addressing the purpose of these weekly memos.  In case you were unaware, I am your fearless leader at this fearless company, and I expect my employees to be informed.  You never know when some upstart like Bonobos or McDonald’s will come along and try to steal our bacon.  Stay vigilant!  Stay alert!  Stay at home mom!  Business!

Some of the world’s richest people met last week in Davos, Switzerland to solve the global problem of income inequality.  Each of the 250 participants settled on a plan to employ 35 new workers at minimum wage by 2018.

A Singapore man stabbed his mother to death because he thought she was a genie.  “I am mortified,” Mohamed Redha Abdul Mutalib said, “I should have tried stuffing her into a lamp.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from the cafeteria on her new promotion!  She makes the best sloppy joes in the world, and now she’ll be doing so as Vice President of Sales and Marketing.  Upward mobility!

Pharmacy giant CVS will stop selling tobacco.  “Don’t worry, consumers,” CEO Larry J. Merlo said in a statement, “we’ll still carry a wide variety of your favorite prescription pills, as well as everything you need to make meth out of your basement.”

The NFL is considering proposals to eliminate the extra point.  One possibility is to replace each extra point try with a 20-minute Powerpoint presentation detailing the myriad steps taken by Commissioner Goodell to prevent concussions and improve player safety across the league, narrated by Kurt Russell.

Jerry, did you buy the whale from Blackfish?  The third floor is not an aquarium!

A Pennsylvania English teacher has been arrested for having sex with a 17 year-old student.  “Why’d they arrest Mrs. Cooper?” said Jane Simon, another student, “I was just starting to understand Lolita.”

Actual headline from CNN.com: “Sienna Miller is contrite, topless in ‘Esquire UK’.”  Ha-ha!  Oh, I had almost forgotten!  The American media is a joke!

Woody Allen has again denied charges that he molested his then seven year-old adopted daughter Dylan in 1993.  Critics have called the denial “witty and charming” and “Allen’s most original work since Bullets Over Broadway.”

Anybody remember the FOX show “New Amsterdam”?  Neither do I!

Sochi officials are allegedly poisoning stray dogs in advance of the Olympics.  “Relax,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “we’re not poisoning the gays.  Yet.”

In other Olympic news, some toilets in Sochi do not accept toilet paper.  However, toilet paper is accepted as currency at most major Russian retailers.

Questions?  Comments?  Concerns?  Email me!  Just don’t expect a response- I’m busy and important!

-The Chairman

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