Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/21/18

Happy second day of spring, vassals! Or, for those on the East Coast, first day of winter! Won’t it be great when climate change finally rids us of this infernal white pestilence forever?

Won’t be long now…

Business!

UN investigators have determined that Facebook played a significant role in the violent persecution of Rohingya Muslims in Myanmar. Mark Zuckerberg has responded by announcing a 12-village speaking tour in or near the country streaming live on Facebook Watch, as well as a donation of $1 million over the next 200 years to fight Tritanopia in the area.

Donald Trump Jr., whose wife Vanessa recently filed for divorce, reportedly had an affair with musician Aubrey O’Day while she was a contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice. O’Day is best known as the lead singer of Danity Kane, the band Trump Jr. would be if he were a band.

Anna from Accounting, are you the Blarney Stone? Cause after kissing you I just can’t stop talking about it! NOT good news for my marriage.

This week, for the first time, the Israeli military admitted to a 2007 strike on a suspected nuclear reactor site in Syria. “You know, we thought all you guys were crazy,” Israeli spokesman Chaim Lubovitch said of the admission, “but it does feel good to deny something.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the White House will have no comment on Vladimir Putin’s uncontested victory in Russia’s presidential election, saying the US “can’t dictate” how other countries choose their leaders. She then added, “That’s a one-way street.”

Jerry, you did not pick UMBC.

During a recent seminar, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner drank chocolate milk to illustrate the need for diversity in the workplace. “Personally, I thought it was tone deaf,” said HR rep James Brewer, who was in attendance at the event. “Everybody knows regular milk is better for you.”

A small dose of Viagra, administered daily, has been shown to reduce the risk of colorectal cancer in mice. Treated mice have also shown increased ability to fuck their way out of a maze.

Time for an update on our March Madness pool! It still hasn’t been cleaned, so please do NOT swim in it. Hope it’ll be ready by the Final Four!

Necco, the venerable confectioner behind the message hearts popular around Valentine’s Day, is preparing to close its Massachusetts factory. “It’s not a good climate for us right now,” CEO Michael McGee said in a statement. “We make the only candy that can get you fired.”

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that pornographic actress Stormy Daniels passed a 2011 polygraph test during which she said she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump. “This means nothing,” Trump lawyer Joseph diGenova said at a recent press conference. “As we’ve all seen, she’s a great actress.”

Hey, it’s better than nuclear winter!

That’s next spring.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/14/18

duuuun duuuuuun duh dun dun dun dun DUN DUNDUHDUN dun dun DUN dundundundunDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN

Allow me, fellow Olympians of existential angst, to light the torch of this memo. I am honored that you have selected me, your most humble and athletically gifted Chairman, to open these word games that will light the world with the flame of knowledge. Thank you, thank you, thank you- from the bottom of my über-competitive heart.

Now, you know the drill: no medal, no job.

BUSINESS.

A firm contracted by FEMA to deliver 30 million meals to Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria only delivered 50,000. The agency says the discrepancy is easily explained by the contractor’s need for, quote, “profit.”

Experts say the recently passed GOP tax bill may result in more divorces, thanks to its removal of a specific write-off for alimony payments. Lawmakers reportedly added the provision after heavy lobbying by Melania Trump.

Anna from the Austria office, you were right as always… they SHOULD’VE postponed the women’s slopestyle final! How did they expect you to land your Cab Double Cork 900 kicker with those winds?!?!

A pride of lions mauled and ate a suspected poacher last week in South Africa. The incident begs the question why lions don’t do that more often.

United Airlines is honoring a travel voucher from 1998 that a North Carolina man recently found under his bed. Coincidentally, the landmark decision represents the first time since 1998 that a major US airline has demonstrated any semblance of human decency.

Jerry, that figure skater is 15.

With his men’s halfpipe victory Tuesday night, snowboarder Shaun White became the first American male to win a gold medal at three different Winter Olympics. Like prior champion snowboarders, the 31-year-old White will now be put out to stud in Aspen with four bodacious hotties and 16 pounds of dank nug.

In a move aimed at boosting the country’s reputation on the international stage, North Korea sent over 200 cheerleaders to the Olympic Games across the border in PyeongChang. Many have marveled the beauties’ extremely effective skincare regimen, which the regime describes only as “peasants.”

Please note that, due to the current climate, we will not be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. This means no cards, no chocolates, and definitely no dressing up like Cupid and pretending your hands are his arrows.

Citing insufficient evidence, the E! Network has dropped its investigation into American Idol host Ryan Seacrest after a former hairdresser alleged sexual misconduct. “There’s just not much to Ryan Seacrest,” the network said in a statement. “Period.”

Last week, cameras caught a woman abandoning her newborn baby in a bathroom at the Tucson airport. “This was a potentially terrible situation,” Sherriff Stephen Tucker told reporters in the wake of the incident. “Nobody wants to fly with a baby.”

FUN FACT: The Olympic rings are vaguely racist!

The more you know…

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/14

Hope you all had a nice Valentine’s Day WITHOUT ME.  Let’s get right to the heartbreak, I MEAN, business.

A recently released document shows that the head of the U.S. special forces ordered the destruction of all images of Osama Bin Laden’s body within two weeks of the raid that killed the Al Qaeda leader.  The special protocol has only been employed twice before, for dangerous terrorist leaders Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.

Chevron has given residents of Bobtown, Pennsylvania coupons for free pizza after a fracking well exploded in their town.  “Hell yeah,” said local Sam Clifton, 31, “fracking rocks!”

Charlie Sheen is engaged to porn star Brett Rossi.  The happy couple is set to break the Guinness World Record for unique STDs in a marriage, with 25.

Let’s all bid a big “Aloha!” to Anna from the cafeteria!  She won last week’s raffle and will be enjoying an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii with her beau, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt.  Don’t tell Zsa Zsa!

Facebook is buying messaging giant WhatsApp for $19 billion, in a desperate attempt to bring back the poke.
 
A 101 year-old Florida man has announced he is running for congress, just as soon as he finishes this Matlock marathon.

Jerry, leave the girl scouts alone.  Let them sell their cookies.

A new study suggests that many animals see in ultraviolet.  No one is safe.

Nigerian police shut down a hotel restaurant that had been serving human flesh after finding two human heads wrapped in cellophane inside.  “Gimme a break,” said head chef Leo Adibe, “do you know how hard it is to get that Michelin Star?”

The United States won the gold medal in ice dancing, sparking outrage among those who thought Canada should ha… what?  Huh?  Oh, sorry, I must have nodded off.
 
The office aviary has a new species on display!  C’mon up to the thirteenth floor- the Guerrero Brush Finch isn’t gonna watch itself!

A Miami artist has destroyed a $1 million Ai Weiwei vase as an act of protest.  When asked what he was protesting, Maximo Caminero replied, “High vase prices!  C’mon down to Caminero’s Discount Vase Emporium!  We have over 500 different types of rare and hard-to-find vases, including those from-“ before being subdued by police.
 
Michael Sam Sr., father of recently outed NFL prospect and University of Missouri standout Michael Sam, is struggling with the news that his son is gay.  “It’s just that he’s about to make millions of dollars,” Sam Sr. said, “and piss it all away on high-waisted cut offs.”

Hope you’ve all enjoyed this late night memo.  I’m just at the office putting the finishing touches on our merger with Comcast and Time Warner.  Don’t worry… it’s gonna go through.  Monopolies!

-The Chairman