Internal Memo for 4/20/14

He is risen!  And by “He,” of course, I mean the memo.  Lo and behold, three days later… business!
 
San Francisco 49ers starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick is being investigated for sexual assault.  The alleged victim’s identity is being kept secret, but sources say it is the Green Bay Packers defense.
 
Beginning in 2015, Stephen Colbert will succeed David Letterman as host of CBS’ “The Late Show with David Letterman.”  “I couldn’t be happier,” Letterman said, “I am confident Stephen will keep up our illustrious tradition of humor, heart, and banging staffers.”
 
Thank you, Anna Rubenstein from Accounting, for your generous and dignified Passover seder.  Did Elijah ever show up?  Hope we didn’t waste that gefilte fish.
 
A New Jersey woman is suing the state’s Motor Vehicle Commission after she was denied the vanity license plate “8THEIST.”  Her requests for the plates “J35U5 5UXX” and “HA1L S8AN” are still pending.

US Airways is under fire this week after sharing a graphic photo on Twitter.  “If there is a silver lining,” said US Airways CEO Doug Parker in a statement, “it’s that everyone now knows how good my honeymoon was.”

Jerry, a third nipple does not qualify you for disability.

The Borgata Casino is suing professional poker player Phil Ivey, claiming he cheated it out of $10 million.  Ivey has called his actions “gambling.”
 
The New York Yankees completed a triple play against the Tampa Bay Rays on Thursday.  It’s about time that franchise caught a break.

Remember, the annual post-Easter rabbit feast will be held this Tuesday in the cafeteria.  Don’t forget to cast your vote for braised or roasted!
 
Recent satellite images have shown a mysterious shape that some believe to be the Loch Ness Monster.  Jenny McCarthy has released a statement blaming the shape for her son’s autism.
 
Short memo today, guys… gotta prep for the big round of drug tests tomorrow!
 
-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/10/14

IT’S THE ANNUAL MIDNIGHT MEMO!  You should have received this memo at exactly 12 AM CST.  If you didn’t… oh well.
 
North and South Korea exchanged fire last week amid military exercises.  Hope Psy’s OK.

Ukraine’s acting Interior Minister Arsen Avakov has declared that unrest in the country will end in 48 hours either by diplomacy or by force.  “We have several hundred mules,” Avakov said, “and they will kick if necessary.”

Congratulations to Anna from sales, Anna from marketing, Anna from HR and Anna from the mailroom!  You’ve all tied for the top spot in our annual March Madness pool!  You all only managed to pick 21 out of 63 games correctly, but they were the right 21!  You will each be receiving a check for $134,439.00.
 
Louisiana Congressman Vance McAllister is in hot water after a recently released surveillance video showed him making out with a staffer.  “Fuck you, God,” said McAllister, a devout Christian, “you said this would never get out.”

The FBI has arrested five people in Augusta, Georgia in connection with a sex trafficking ring ahead of the Masters golf tournament.  “Whatever,” said Juanita Patrice Croft, one of the women arrested, “without Tiger there, we weren’t gonna get any business anyway.”

Jerry, aren’t you a little old for Take Your Child to Work Day?

UMass guard Derrick Gordon has become the first openly gay player in Division 1 Men’s College Basketball.  Or, at least, that’s what he says.
 
HBO has renewed its hit series Game of Thrones for two more seasons.  “Game of Thrones represents the best in television today:” said HBO CEO Richard Plepler.  “Sweet, sweet breasts.”
 
In other Game of Thrones news, HBO’s popular streaming service HBOGO crashed during the recent season four premiere.  Well, I guess that’s more like Real Sex news.  AM I RIGHT, PUBESCENT BOYS??!!

Hestia, Greek goddess of the hearth, is widely regarded as the mildest, most upright, and most charitable of all the Olympians.
 
The Houston Astros received a 0.0 Nielsen rating for their game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Monday night.  It was the team’s highest rating since 1998.

Orange is the New Black star Kate Mulgrew claims she was tricked into narrating a documentary promoting geocentrism, the idea that the sun revolves around the Earth.  “C’mon guys,” Mulgrew said in a statement, “I play a Russian prison cook in a show that isn’t even on television.  Nobody believes what I say.”

Wow, I can’t believe March Madness is over.  It’s only April 10^th.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/2/14

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I was not amused by the amount of celebration surrounding my recent April Fools’ joke.  I would like to think my death would have been met with sincere mourning and solemn tribute.  In the event of my actual death, please consider exhibiting a little more respect.  Thank you.  Now, as I am a living, breathing human being with feelings, I will now proceed with the business.

Two Spanish historians claim to have found the Holy Grail.  Much to the chagrin of their neighbors, however, they still have not found Jesus.

New York Mets fans booed recently elected Mayor Bill De Blasio Monday when he threw out the first pitch at the team’s opener.  “I knew it,” said De Blasio, “I shouldn’t have worn the Mets jersey.”

Russian troops have massed on the country’s border with Ukraine, and could invade within 12 hours of being given an order.  The invasion could be delayed further, however, if a lot of people happen to be using Russia’s DSL.

What’s that smell?  It’s Anna from marketing, who has gone vegan!  Please be supportive.

The Supreme Court has struck down limits on how much individuals can donate to political candidates.  “This is an historic day,” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor, “it ensures that the American political system will continue to benefit the wealthy on both sides for years to come.”
 
According to court documents, the faulty ignition switches that killed 13 people and sparked a massive recall of GM vehicles cost a mere 90 cents apiece.  Get it?  Sparked?  Oh God, Cheryl, your son was one of those killed?  I’m sorry for your loss.  I had no idea.  I will retract my statement immediately.  I am deeply, deeply sorry.  Also, I will be giving you a raise.  Effective immediately.  Please do not sue me, or the company, we can work this out.  Cheryl?  Cheryl, where are you going?  Cheryl?  Don’t do this, Cheryl… I said I was sorry!

No, Jerry, I still don’t see the Virgin Mary in your waffle fry.
 
A Long Island high school student has been accepted into all eight Ivy League colleges.  “I would like to thank my parents,” said 17-year-old Kwasi Enin, “my teachers, and, most importantly, my race.”

Celebrity couple Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who “consciously uncoupled” last week, reportedly had an open relationship.  Paltrow ended the marriage for good after finding out about her husband’s longstanding affair with his mistress, “Music.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife, Lyudmila, has been finalized.  “I will kill her, yes,” said a “devastated” Putin in a statement.  “Hopefully soon.”

I would like to apologize for my earlier insensitive comments regarding the recent GM recall.  I would like to “recall” them, if you will.  WAIT, CHERYL, COME BACK.

An 8.2-magnitude earthquake hit Chile Tuesday, precipitating a massive escape from a women’s prison.  The earthquake is widely believed to be a publicity stunt for the upcoming season of “Naranja Es El Nuevo Negro,” premiering this Sábado on ¡El Netflix!.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has approved the country’s first minimum wage, set at €8.50 an hour.  The move has sparked outrage from fellow EU member Greece, which, according to President Karolos Papoulias, “would kill for that kind of dough.”

It’s baseball season, kiddos… get out there and take some steroids!

-The Chairman