Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/2/19

Hello Long Lost Lovers,

It is I, Rip Van Chairman, awakening once again from my long slumber! During my time away I was able to free myself of any and all associations with Jeffrey Epstein (including flight logs) while maintaining my place in his will! Don’t worry, as with the proceeds from the recent changes to the tax code, I will be reinvesting the money I’ll soon be receiving from his tax-free trust in the Virgin Islands into workforce development. Yeah, “workforce development.” And guess what? I’m the workforce!

BUSINESS.

The Trump administration has announced that the children of some service members serving overseas will no longer receive automatic citizenship. “Each and every able bodied adult serving the United States of America both at home and abroad is a true hero,” White House adviser Stephen Miller said of the policy change, “and their kids haven’t done shit.”

Despite protests from the NCAA, California has become the first state to allow college athletes to profit from their names and likenesses. Several members of the USC women’s soccer team have since signed an endorsement deal with William Singer’s Edge College and Career Network, Inc.

Anna from Reception, I wanna light you up like a switchboard.

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has officially dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. She has demanded that Al Franken do the same.

Another New York politician, Mayor Bill de Blasio, has also dropped out of the race. “It just goes to show you,” de Blasio said in a somber press conference, “Americans will never vote for someone in the least bit associated with New York City.”

Jerry, please stop appearing on talk shows as “Rudy Giuliani.”

England’s Supreme Court last month ruled that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s suspension of Parliament over Brexit negotiations was unlawful. The court also called the ruling “most unpleasant,” writing that it “went down like a stiff cup of overbrewed PG Tips with no milk, completely boffing the crown roast at dear old Blighty’s stag do dinner.”

The first same-sex proposal in the history of ABC’s “Bachelor” franchise occurred last month when Demi Burnett proposed to girlfriend Kristian Haggerty. The engagement episode is being hailed as “the white trash Ellen.”

Need a little privacy? Head to the bathroom! Our transition to an open plan office is complete! 

Saturday Night Live recently fired new cast member Shane Gillis after clips of him using racist, sexist, and homophobic language just last year resurfaced. “My only regret,” series creator Lorne Michaels said of Gillis’ firing, “was that we didn’t hire him in the 90s.”

An international tribunal has determined that China may be harvesting organs from political prisoners and detainees from marginalized groups to sell on the black market. In response to the news, Alibaba has shut down its “Muslim organs” section.

Oh no, we’ve never had a controlling interest in Purdue Pharma.

At least not since last week.

-The Chairman