Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/26/19

Hello fellow women’s soccer stars,

The World Cup is on! And BOY, has it been… on!

I haven’t watched a minute, but that’s because I’ve been too busy doing research on the team.

Gotta be prepared. Business!

Former NBA Coach of the Year Don Nelson is now a marijuana farmer on Maui. “This gig is great,” Nelson said in a recent interview, “it keeps me in touch with a lot of current players.”

In further NBA news, the league is reportedly exploring shortening its regular season and creating an in-season tournament. The in-season tournament will reportedly be called “March Madness,” and it will involve unpaid college athletes playing for a small number of spots in the next year’s draft.

Don’t give up, Anna from Finance! Only $200 to go on your Kickstarter for new implants!

Bloomberg reports that Donald Trump’s latest round of tariffs targeted towards China may raise the cost of Bibles in the United States. “This is clearly fake news,” Trump said in a statement, “God will not stop printing the Bible.”

In further Trump news, the businessman has denied a new rape allegation by writer E. Jean Carroll by saying, “She’s not my type.” When asked what his type was, Trump replied, “Beautiful clean coal.”

Jerry, you did not qualify for the Democratic debates.

A substitute teacher in Texas has been fired after she filmed a pornographic movie in her classroom. The teacher contends that she was unfairly targeted, as she’s seen “plenty” of porn filmed in schools.

The only police officer in Cement, Oklahoma has been arrested on child prostitution charges following a lengthy internal struggle.

If you’ve been suffering from indigestion lately, you’re not alone! In a cost-cutting measure, I’ve recently fired the entire cafeteria staff and replaced them with Guatemalans.

An internationally famous Russian poker player was found dead after being electrocuted while dying her hair. Friends said Lilya Novikova was “very smart with poker” and “that’s it.”

The oldest living European, 116-year-old Giuseppina Robucci, has died. Robucci credited her survival through two world wars that ravaged the continent to “hating the Jews when I needed to.”

Watching this team, I’ve gotten really good at dribbling.






… that was too far.









… even for me.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/19/19

Happy Juneteenth, everyone! Staying waaaaaaaaaaay the hell away from that one.

Business!

A therapy group in Boulder, Colorado meets regularly to discuss the health benefits of drinking urine. Donald Trump has denied that any tapes exist of him ever visiting Boulder, let alone attending a meeting.

Right-wing group “Super Happy Fun America” has applied for the necessary permits to host a “straight pride” parade in Boston this August, with Brad Pitt as its mascot. Pitt has since denounced the group’s use of his image, calling himself “a perfect Kinsey 3.”

Anna from Maintenance, is that you in those neti pot ads? I’d know that technique anywhere.

Warships from the United States and Russia nearly collided in the Pacific Ocean two weeks ago. “I saw the other ship and I thought it was one of ours,” Russian Captain Sergei Popov told RT after the incident, “cause, you know.”

Child pornography has been found in materials that conspiracy theorist Alex Jones sent to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook massacre. Jones has demanded it be returned to him immediately.

Jerry, you never dated Natalie Portman.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort will reportedly be imprisoned at Rikers Island. Manafort has told associates he has already struck a lucrative consulting deal with the Crips to represent the group’s interests in Ukraine.

A truck crashed outside of Bozeman, Montana last Monday while transporting 40,000 pounds of bees, releasing an estimated quarter of its cargo. Officials said that they find it suspicious that the crash occurred 13 years to the day after the release of The Wicker Man.

Do you live in constant fear of a sudden and inexplicable death? Stop by Conference Room C4 tomorrow at 3 PM for an introduction to our new company-sponsored life insurance program! No need to RSVP- you might not make it.

United States birth rates are at their lowest in 32 years. “We’d better correct this soon,” former US Senate candidate Roy Moore recently wrote on his personal blog, “VERY soon.”

Authorities in the Dominican Republic believe they have found the man who paid hitmen to shoot David Ortiz while the former baseball player was in the country last week. “My associate clearly misheard me,” the accused, Gabriel Alexander Perez Vizcaino, told authorities in his defense, “I said ‘take him out… to the ballgame.’”







… but when will whites get their own Juneteenth?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/5/19

Happy Pride Month, Gays! Remember, be complex individuals worthy of the representation you’ve been given in the media or they will TAKE IT AWAY.

Business!

On his state visit to the UK this week, Donald Trump said a Brexit deal was “teed up.” Many were left wondering what Trump has been doing for almost 200 days of his presidency, as he clearly doesn’t understand golf.

Meghan Markle’s ex-husband has remarried, this time to the daughter of a former Countrywide executive. “Her father may not be a prince,” Trevor Engelson said of his new bride, “but he did sell $200 million worth of stock options in a company right before it went bankrupt and helped trigger the biggest financial crisis in decades.”

Congratulations, Anna from Development, on becoming a certified Arbonne consultant! It’s definitely not a pyramid scheme!

Last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in an 8-way tie. The event’s organizers were reportedly “far too bored” to continue.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced its intention to sell CBD ice cream once it is legal to do so. The company will reportedly add the compound to its flavor Chunky Monkey, which already tastes like shit.

Jerry, you did not teach Drake your “technique.”

A right-wing candidate elected to represent North East England in the recent European Parliament elections actually lives in the South of France. “We wanted to elect someone who really represents our interests,” Sunderland resident Ned Dalrymple told UK newspaper The Guardian Tuesday, “to get the hell out of northeast England.”

Corporations paid $91 billion less in taxes in 2018 thanks to the Republican tax bill, and 60 Fortune 500 companies effectively paid no taxes whatsoever. Fearing backlash, many companies have since pledged to donate a tax-deductible .000001% of all future profits to train inner-city youth to respect the ideals of liberty through twice-yearly seminars led by Turning Point USA and The Richard M. Nixon Foundation For A Transparent Government.

Don’t forget: Mauritius is a place!

Elizabeth Warren has promised to push for a new law allowing the indictment of a sitting president if she is elected in 2020. “I have nothing to hide,” Warren said of the proposal, “I swear on my great-great-great-uncle, Sitting Bull.”

A robocall scam purporting to raise money for Donald Trump’s 2020 presidential campaign collected over $100,000 this past January. As Trump has overturned several key statutes related to fraud, the money cannot be returned.

More Dumbledores, please- y’all ain’t even KNOW that boy loved the D.

-The Chairman