What.
Seriously.
-The Chairman
Monthly Archives: May 2020
Internal Memo for Friday, 5/22/20
Good Afternoon “Generation Z”,
During this uncertain time, I have become one of you. Or, as J. Robert Oppenheimer so eloquently put it, “I am become death.” How, you ask? By interfacing exclusively with the one media platform sure to exist in the world to come…
TikTok.
Join me, won’t you, as I embark on a journey filled with dance…
… and business.
According to a report in The Intercept citing leaked internal documents, TikTok’s founders instructed the site’s moderators to restrict content from “unattractive and impoverished” users. “What we meant to say is, all of our users are hot and rich,” founder Zhang Yiming told reporters, “as you can see anytime you open the app.”
The latest trend taking TikTok by storm is the “pee your pants challenge,” for which participants take videos of themselves in front of the mirror urinating in their pants. Comedian Adam Sandler has sued the company for copyright infringement, saying it not only stole the challenge from his movie Billy Madison, but it stole countless videos of white people dressing as offensive stereotypes of Native Americans from his film The Ridiculous Six.
Anna from Sales, I had no idea you could fit that whole scene from Blue Is The Warmest Color into 15 seconds!
TikTok also recently birthed the “autism challenge,” through which users mock people with disorders like autism and epilepsy. TikTok’s new CEO Kevin Mayer called the videos “unfortunate,” adding, “but they’re some of our most viewed.”
An Indian family wound up in the hospital last week after drinking a “preventive medicine” for COVID-19 that they saw in a TikTok video. Users in the country have since been urged not to post any more of Donald Trump’s press conferences on the site.
Jerry, you are still not an influencer.
Disgraced Papa John’s founder John Schnatter took to TikTok last week to give viewers a tour of his mansion. Conspicuously, he neglected to show the basement.
Singer Jason Derulo attempted to prank fans this week with a TikTok video in which he appeared to lose both of his front teeth while eating corn on the cob with a power drill. “I thought it would be funny, but it wasn’t,” Derulo said in a subsequent apology video, “like Cats.”
ATTENTION: To celebrate the relaxation of social distancing rules in many states, each office will be filming its own TikTok video of employee group hugs with the hashtag #grouphugchallenge. No masks allowed- bad for the brand.
TikTok user Josh Popkin “accidentally” spilled a large plastic container of milk and cereal on the New York City subway last week, leaving behind a huge mess that MTA workers were forced to clean up in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. The MTA called the prank a “disaster” and announced that it would permanently raise fares to $10/ride to pay for the damage.
A string of racist TikTok posts by a student depicting slave auctions and other offensive imagery has sparked outrage at a New Jersey high school. The student’s parents have released a statement saying that their son is “very sorry” and have agreed to partially fund a new African-American studies center at Princeton University, his top choice college.
Wow.
I mean… wow.
WHAT a great product! Where do I invest?
-The Chairman
Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/16/20
I wish it hadn’t come to this… but I’ve been forced to send a weekend memo. It seems some of you have already forgotten that time means nothing anymore, and that you can be called on to work at any time of day, any day of the week, so you have begun to take “Saturdays” “off.” I’m going to say this as diplomatically as possible:
What
the fuck
is wrong with you?
Business.
Vladimir Putin’s chief spokesman, Dmitry Peskov, has tested positive for coronavirus. He reportedly contracted it from one of a number of infected White House staffers.
Mary-Kate Olsen has petitioned a New York City court for an emergency divorce from her husband of five years, French banker Olivier Sarkozy. Judge Judy Berman replied with a GIF of Olsen saying, “You got it, dude!” followed by, “Just kidding, everything is closed.”
Anna from M&A, I found your OnlyFans page 😉
Roy Horn, one-half of legendary tiger-taming duo Siegfried & Roy, has died from coronavirus-related complications. Horn’s partner Siegfried Fischbacher has since released a statement reading, “I am devastated over the loss of my partner, Roy Horn. I am equally excited to announce my new partner, Joe Exotic.”
In the wake of several high-profile COVID-19 infections, the White House has instituted a new mandatory face-covering policy. Mike Pence clarified that the policy will only apply to women, telling reporters, “It’s about time.”
Jerry, you are not Elon Musk’s Cyrano de Bergerac.
Video has emerged of a 113-year-old Spanish coronavirus survivor talking about her battle against the virus. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”
An armed man drove his SUV into a crowd of people gathered for a “Salute to Nurses” parade in Darby, Pennsylvania last Tuesday. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”
Want to earn a quick $100? We’re looking for volunteers for our own intracompany coronavirus study! Please email COVID@FreeRealEstate.com with your age, height, job title, and complete bank account information (for direct deposit). Feel free to forward to friends and acquaintances!
The Los Angeles Times is reporting that some US citizens are not eligible for coronavirus-related stimulus checks because they’re married to immigrants. When asked about the report at a recent press conference, Donald Trump lashed out at reporters, saying, “People who marry immigrants need to learn their lesson! I married one and it’s been HORRIBLE.”
Johnson & Johnson Chief Scientific Officer Paul Stoffels stated publicly last week that the company is aiming to manufacture and deliver 1 billion coronavirus vaccines by 2021. Shares of Johnson & Johnson shot up 20% after the announcement, at which point Stoffels sold all of his shares and tendered his resignation.
Don’t make me send another of these tomorrow.
It’s the lord’s day, for god’s sake.
-The Chairman
Internal Memo for Friday, 5/8/20
Good Evening,
It has come to my attention that many people are suffering because of this pandemic. I had no idea. I have decided to personally match all donations, dollar-for-dollar, to the Kids Wish Network, up to $10.
As Mr. Rogers said: “Look for the helpers.”
Respectfully, business.
One of Donald Trump’s personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus. Trump has denied ever meeting the man, whom he calls “a Deep State traitor.”
Tom Cruise will reportedly partner with NASA to film a movie aboard the International Space Station. The film is expected to cost approximately 75,000 N95 masks.
Anna from IT, I think I found a locket with your picture in it in Conference Room C… oh wait, it’s mine!
COVID-19 has been found in semen, raising fears that it could be transmitted sexually. “Yeah,” said Fred Malzenburg, a 52-year-old former waste management professional from Akron, Ohio, “that’s how I got it for sure.”
Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre was allegedly paid $1.1 million for speeches he never gave as part of a Mississippi welfare fraud scheme. “I didn’t speak, but I fulfilled my commitment to those people,” Favre said. “I sent them some… pictures.”
Jerry, Reno is not “the safest place in the world.”
A woman killed by an alligator at a South Carolina gated community last week was there to do a homeowner’s nails. “We are devastated,” the homeowner, who wished to remain anonymous, told a local newspaper. “Consuela was… how do I say this?… her name, I think.”
Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Miller, wife of Stephen Miller, has contracted coronavirus. As a result, her husband is quarantining in Florida with his closest other relatives, a colony of flesh-eating bacteria known as Vibrio vulnificus.
Due to a marked decrease in undocumented immigration stemming from coronavirus, the HR department will be now be performing maintenance duties. They’ve taken your shit for long enough, and now they have to clean it up!
New York’s subway system was completely shut down for the first time in history Wednesday for a coronavirus-related deep cleaning. Upon further inspection, it is not expected to reopen.
The final Nazi message decoded by the British government has been released in honor of the 75th anniversary of VE Day. “Surrender all units,” the message reads, “and initiate operation Drumpf.”
“Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”
-Proverbs 19:17
… but that’s not why I’m doing it.
-The Chairman
The Chairman of the Bored 