Internal Memo for Friday, 5/22/20

Good Afternoon “Generation Z”,

During this uncertain time, I have become one of you. Or, as J. Robert Oppenheimer so eloquently put it, “I am become death.” How, you ask? By interfacing exclusively with the one media platform sure to exist in the world to come…

TikTok.

Join me, won’t you, as I embark on a journey filled with dance…

… and business.

According to a report in The Intercept citing leaked internal documents, TikTok’s founders instructed the site’s moderators to restrict content from “unattractive and impoverished” users. “What we meant to say is, all of our users are hot and rich,” founder Zhang Yiming told reporters, “as you can see anytime you open the app.”

The latest trend taking TikTok by storm is the “pee your pants challenge,” for which participants take videos of themselves in front of the mirror urinating in their pants. Comedian Adam Sandler has sued the company for copyright infringement, saying it not only stole the challenge from his movie Billy Madison, but it stole countless videos of white people dressing as offensive stereotypes of Native Americans from his film The Ridiculous Six.

Anna from Sales, I had no idea you could fit that whole scene from Blue Is The Warmest Color into 15 seconds!

TikTok also recently birthed the “autism challenge,” through which users mock people with disorders like autism and epilepsy. TikTok’s new CEO Kevin Mayer called the videos “unfortunate,” adding, “but they’re some of our most viewed.”

An Indian family wound up in the hospital last week after drinking a “preventive medicine” for COVID-19 that they saw in a TikTok video. Users in the country have since been urged not to post any more of Donald Trump’s press conferences on the site.

Jerry, you are still not an influencer.

Disgraced Papa John’s founder John Schnatter took to TikTok last week to give viewers a tour of his mansion. Conspicuously, he neglected to show the basement.

Singer Jason Derulo attempted to prank fans this week with a TikTok video in which he appeared to lose both of his front teeth while eating corn on the cob with a power drill. “I thought it would be funny, but it wasn’t,” Derulo said in a subsequent apology video, “like Cats.”

ATTENTION: To celebrate the relaxation of social distancing rules in many states, each office will be filming its own TikTok video of employee group hugs with the hashtag #grouphugchallenge. No masks allowed- bad for the brand.

TikTok user Josh Popkin “accidentally” spilled a large plastic container of milk and cereal on the New York City subway last week, leaving behind a huge mess that MTA workers were forced to clean up in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. The MTA called the prank a “disaster” and announced that it would permanently raise fares to $10/ride to pay for the damage.

A string of racist TikTok posts by a student depicting slave auctions and other offensive imagery has sparked outrage at a New Jersey high school. The student’s parents have released a statement saying that their son is “very sorry” and have agreed to partially fund a new African-American studies center at Princeton University, his top choice college.

Wow.

I mean… wow.

WHAT a great product! Where do I invest?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/21/19

Good Day Danish Prime Ministers,

I, too, would like to buy Greenland.

BUSINESS.

Representative Steve King of Iowa wondered aloud last week at a breakfast meeting at the Westside Conservative Club whether there would “be any population left” without rape and incest. King later clarified that by “population” he meant “Game of Thrones.”

A Texas brewery is in hot water after naming a beer “Bikini Atoll” after the US nuclear testing site devastated by radiation in the 1940s and 50s. The brewery has said it is actually paying homage to the islands by using radioactive yeast.

Anna from Legal, that outfit should be ILLEGAL.

The newest James Bond film, slated for release in 2020, is titled “No Time to Die.” In a controversial leaked scene, the secret agent fucks an Audemars Piguet.

On his podcast “Hotboxin with Mike Tyson,” the former heavyweight champ said he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana every month. Experts worry that the habit may lead to the death and consumption of some 10,000 children.

Jerry, I am not a “public charge.”

Former Major Leaguer Roger Clemens has dismissed rumors that he may run for Congress in Texas as a Republican. “I understand the confusion, but I am not a politician,” Clemens told reporters recently, “just a douchebag.”

In a new paper published in Science, three scientists propose massive reforestation around the globe as a solution for climate change. The proposal is expected to be adopted by the governments of Monaco, Vatican City, and Sealand.

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about, you sign a comprehensive liability waiver if you work in the warehouse, that’s what it’s all about!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has clarified that its rules prohibit vaping and the consumption of green tea. The church considers both to be “gateway drugs” to realizing a religion founded by a failed supernaturalist con man from Vermont less than 200 years ago is bullshit.

Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to sell the Brooklyn Nets to Joseph Tsai, co-founder of Chinese e-commerce giant Alibaba. Power forward Rodions Kurucs, who averaged just 8.5 points per game last season, has since been listed on Alibaba for $30 plus shipping.



OK, OK, OK… $4,000.





IT’S JUST ICE.






Well… it used to be.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/27/19

Good Afternoon Eye Fuckers,

The second Trump-Kim summit starts today! WILL THEY SING SHALLOW??

God I hope so. And then kiss. Finally.

BUSINESS.

The latest reports out of Washington indicate that Attorney General Bill Barr could submit Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian meddling in the 2016 election to Congress as soon as this week. Congress would then be in a position to act on the report’s findings as soon as 2025.

On the eve of the second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un this week in Vietnam, CNN reports that during the first such meeting last year in Singapore, the former told the latter that he had known “plenty of people” from powerful families who had “emerged messed up,” but that Kim “wasn’t one of them.” “You should be glad,” Trump then added, “that your father murdered anyone who could have spoiled you.”

Please join me in congratulating our Employee of the Month for February: Anna from Weather Management! Keep those chemtrails coming (and going)!

A spokesman for the Chicago Police Department said Empire actor Jussie Smollett recently staged a racist and homophobic attack on himself because he was “unhappy with his salary.” Smollett called the assertion a racist and homophobic attack and demanded that his salary be raised.

Potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz has derided Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ plan to abolish private health insurance as “not American.” “What’s she gonna do away with next?” Schultz told CBS This Morning, “war?”

Jerry, we know you loved Green Book.

In his prepared remarks before Congress today, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen said he recalled Trump telling him that the businessman’s son Don Jr. “had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.” Cohen testified that he responded, “Worse than Eric?”, to which Trump replied, “Who?”

Following a recent ban on recyclable imports by China, US cities are sending more and more such materials to landfills and incinerators. The materials will then be burned, releasing into the air toxic chemicals that cause chronic illnesses necessitating pills from bottles made from other recyclable materials, thus completing the recycling process.

PSA: In preparation for a highly likely nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, please watch this video. Individual tortoise shells will be available in the twelfth-floor cafeteria, and if you see a monkey, SAY SOMETHING.

Las Vegas was blanketed with half an inch of snow last Wednesday. The covering was reportedly snorted up within minutes.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been charged with two counts of misdemeanor solicitation in connection with a far-reaching prostitution sting in Florida. Prosecutors have officially named the charges Eli Manning so Kraft can’t beat them.

Every time a nuclear weapon is detonated… a star is born.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/5/18

My company tiiiiis of thee
Sweet land of P-R-O-F-I-T
My boss is kiiiiiiing
Job where my fathers died
Job of my swallowed pride
Whene’er my boss decides
Money I will briiiiiiing

Happy Fifth of July, (A)Un(t)cle Sam(ette)s! Just your friendly neighborhood freedom lover over here recovering from his right to beer arms! That’s right: Beer arms! Get it?? I had ‘em!

Now, I understand that some of you are distraught from the complete and utter lack of a memo last week. AND from not receiving your usual delivery this week. Well to that I say: Let’s make it a double! From the land that brought you PB & J, Sonny & Cher, and Diamond & Silk, not to mention two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I give you: A DOUBLE MEMO.

It’s gonna be bloated, like the bureaucracy!

JUST as our forefathers intended…

BUSINESS.

Justice Anthony Kennedy has announced he will retire from the Supreme Court. During his tenure, Kennedy took part in several influential decisions that no American can name.

A new billboard in Texas tells liberals to keep driving until they’ve left the state. Several left-leaning groups have come out against the sign, saying, “We don’t need a billboard.”

Starbucks has announced that it will close 150 stores next year. Analysts say the chain is losing ground to competitors such as Dunkin Donuts, Argo Tea, and public restrooms.

Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson and pop star Ariana Grande, both 24, are engaged. The pair are said to have led “remarkably similar” lives, in that both have been short.

Anna from Nutrition, thanks for setting out those guidelines for yesterday’s barbeque! Nobody followed them!

Following a judging error at this year’s Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Major League Eating is considering moving from human to digital judges. “We just think digital judges are more reliable,” Major League Eating President Rich Shea told ESPN, “and less likely to get eaten.”

Manila, Philippines tops the latest edition of Deutsche Bank’s annual list of cheapest destinations to buy a beer, with an average of price $1.50. As a bonus, the price includes dysentery.

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has resigned. Sources say he saw a $10 bill outside his office and just bolted.

In further Pruitt news, the former Oklahoma Attorney General wrote in his resignation letter that Trump was serving because of “God’s providence.” Trump, whose staff reads all written material to him, excitedly replied, “He’s right- I have a prominent rod.”

Jerry, please stop saying the Revolutionary War was about states’ rights.

Several Los Angeles residents have been victimized by a scam involving three Russians and a Prius. I had always heard it as four Russians and a Prius, but same difference.

LeBron James is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for a second time and joining the Los Angeles Lakers. Those close to James say he wanted to finally put to rest the idea that he only cared about winning.

Explorers in Mexico have discovered that the country’s Sistema Huautla cave, one of the largest in the world, is even bigger than previously thought. Donald Trump has since vowed to send troops into the cave in the hopes of finding Hillary’s emails.

The woman who shouted “Fuck you” at Donald Trump last month has been identified as Congressional intern Caitlin Marriott. Marriott was later identified as three exceptionally gifted but starving migrant children in a trench coat.

Today is National Bikini Day! Let’s nuke those Q3 goals!!

The contestant pool on this season of The Bachelorette includes a sex offender and a conspiracy theorist. Considering the rest of the contestants, both are thought to be heavy favorites.

Delta Airlines has banned pit bulls as service dogs. The act is the result of a misunderstanding about why many Delta customers fear for their safety.

New York City saw a record 62.8 million tourists in 2017. Remarkably, not all were beloved.

A retired English teacher recently returned a letter from Donald Trump with edits. Before giving it to their boss, aides adapted the letter into a 15-minute video praising Trump for his handling of tariffs.

The memo is never late. Like freedom, it always comes right on time.

-The Chairman