Good Day Danish Prime Ministers,
I, too, would like to buy Greenland.
BUSINESS.
Representative Steve King of Iowa wondered aloud last week at a breakfast meeting at the Westside Conservative Club whether there would “be any population left” without rape and incest. King later clarified that by “population” he meant “Game of Thrones.”
A Texas brewery is in hot water after naming a beer “Bikini Atoll” after the US nuclear testing site devastated by radiation in the 1940s and 50s. The brewery has said it is actually paying homage to the islands by using radioactive yeast.
Anna from Legal, that outfit should be ILLEGAL.
The newest James Bond film, slated for release in 2020, is titled “No Time to Die.” In a controversial leaked scene, the secret agent fucks an Audemars Piguet.
On his podcast “Hotboxin with Mike Tyson,” the former heavyweight champ said he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana every month. Experts worry that the habit may lead to the death and consumption of some 10,000 children.
Jerry, I am not a “public charge.”
Former Major Leaguer Roger Clemens has dismissed rumors that he may run for Congress in Texas as a Republican. “I understand the confusion, but I am not a politician,” Clemens told reporters recently, “just a douchebag.”
In a new paper published in Science, three scientists propose massive reforestation around the globe as a solution for climate change. The proposal is expected to be adopted by the governments of Monaco, Vatican City, and Sealand.
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about, you sign a comprehensive liability waiver if you work in the warehouse, that’s what it’s all about!
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has clarified that its rules prohibit vaping and the consumption of green tea. The church considers both to be “gateway drugs” to realizing a religion founded by a failed supernaturalist con man from Vermont less than 200 years ago is bullshit.
Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to sell the Brooklyn Nets to Joseph Tsai, co-founder of Chinese e-commerce giant Alibaba. Power forward Rodions Kurucs, who averaged just 8.5 points per game last season, has since been listed on Alibaba for $30 plus shipping.
OK, OK, OK… $4,000.
IT’S JUST ICE.
Well… it used to be.
-The Chairman
Tag Archives: Vermont
Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/13/19
Happy Post-Summit Day, starving peasants! I wish I could say that I had attended yesterday’s lavish festivities in Singapore (complete with stuffed cucumber!), but alas, I was not invited. I can’t imagine why…
BUSINESS.
The United States has returned to Spain a letter by Christopher Columbus that had been stolen. This marks the first instance of something Columbus-related ever being returned.
Furniture giant IKEA has announced it will stop using single-use plastic in its stores by 2020. It will continue to stock single-use furniture.
Anna from Marketing, are you dating again? Cause that dress you wore to your husband’s wake was
A 38-year-old man who had his foot amputated in 2016 has gone public with his story of feeding it to ten of his friends. All ten have since died from foot-and-mouth disease.
Approximately 22,000 women marched in Seoul, South Korea on Saturday to protest the country’s epidemic of “spycam porn,” where men take pornographic pictures and videos of women without their consent. Based on the number of women in attendance, the march proved once and for all that Donald Trump is 189 times worse than spycam porn.
Jerry, for the last time, you cannot be “our Jared.” Also, ew.
Prominent Democratic donor George Soros has said he will not endorse Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to be the party’s next presidential nominee because of her role in former Senator Al Franken’s resignation. Many Republicans have since reversed course on Soros, saying all of the conspiracies they have long accused him of leading were actually orchestrated by “all the other Jews.”
Vermont is paying people $10,000 to move there and work remotely. The policy is part of the state’s wildly popular new campaign, “Stimulate another state’s economy, live in Vermont!”
Due to the growing number of employees avoiding gluten, the cafeteria has informed me that we will henceforth be making all of our dishes with cassava flour! And man, does it taste terrible.
Actor Vince Vaughn was arrested for DUI last weekend in California. The actor had reportedly been drinking to forget True Detective Season 2.
A federal judge has approved the long-anticipated $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner. The deal is expected to finally end the debate over which company is worse.
FUN FACT: The world ended yesterday.
We’re just 12 hours behind.
-The Chairman
Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/7/16
Good Afternoon,
Today, I am racked with guilt. I had no idea that my April Fool’s prank last week would cause any suicides…
And it didn’t! April Fools AGAIN. Ba-ZING. Killed it. Nailed it. To the cross. Put it on Gesthemane with two thieves. Took it down and put it in a cave. Came back and it was gone. Wrote the Bible. The rest is history. JESUS CHRIST I’m good. BUSINESS!
The Inspector General’s Office of the US Department of Justice has revealed that the Drug Enforcement Administration spent $86 million on a plane that was never used. The plane was intended for use in Afghanistan, a country that cost $1 trillion and will also likely never be used.
Pritzker Prize-winning architect Zaha Hadid has died at the age of 65. As a woman in the male-dominated field of architecture, she was most famous for reasons which will soon be forgotten.
Congratulations to Anna from our Chile office on becoming a grandmother for the third time, just shy of her 35th birthday! Things sure are different down there.
For the second year in a row, a student from Long Island’s Elmont Memorial High School has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seventeen year-old Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna has requested that she be killed very soon in a “carefully orchestrated accident,” so as not to risk further tarnishing her legacy.
Microsoft was quickly forced to delete its latest foray into Artificial Intelligence, a Twitter bot modeled after a teenage girl, after it proclaimed its love for Hitler and incest. “We here at Microsoft would like to apologize,” the company said in a statement. “This has been our biggest failure since… what version of Windows are we on?”
Jerry, please stop referring to it as “Old Mexico.”
General Hospital stars Brandon Barash and Kristen Storms are divorcing. Who?
Bernie Sanders supporter Susan Sarandon recently stopped by MSNBC to declare that she would vote for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton because Trump would “bring the revolution immediately” if elected. When asked if she would be a target of said revolution, Sarandon replied, “Me? Please. I’m far too rich.”
How about that March, huh? Who knew both lions and lambs laid off their workers?
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has banned all non-essential state travel to North Carolina after the southern state passed a bill discriminatory towards transgender individuals. In response, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory released a statement reading, “Suck a dick, fag.”
Bernie Sanders has questioned whether fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is “qualified” to be president. “She’s simply not in touch with the average American,” Sanders said at a recent rally. “If she walked down Main Street in Burlington tomorrow, would she accept a puff off a one-hitter offered by the local organic spelt farmer? Would she peruse the Crow Bookshop for tips on cosleeping with a recently adopted African child? Would she have a threesome with Ben & Jerry? Break up the banks!”
“Enjoy” the “weekend,” minions! What Panama Papers?
-The Chairman
The Chairman of the Bored 