Internal Memo for Sunday, 8/2/20

Hello Human Robot Dogs,

Had to wait a day to confirm, but I have great news! Those extra $600/week unemployment benefits have officially gone the way of the dodo. That means more potential employees for our ever-growing company! Please disseminate our hiring advertisements far and wide. We pay up to $500/week (based on a 100-hour workweek at $5/hour), with the opportunity to make up to $10/hour after 3 years! Open positions include:

Short-order cook (Houston, Texas)
Nursing home aid (Boca Raton, Florida)
Human body collector (Rocinha, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil)
Crisis actor (various)
Masseuse (my home office)
Human shield (Idlib, Syria)

Don’t work to live, LIVE (or die) to WORK.

Who says Congress doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of the American people?

Business!

High school basketball recruit R.J. Keene recently revealed his college choice by donning a logo mask. Keene, who had declined to wear a mask before making the announcement, is reportedly “very, very sick.”

NFL player Malik Jackson is suing famed body shop West Coast Customs, alleging that they misquoted him prices for work done on two vehicles. Jackson claims rapper Xzibit appeared at his house last year begging to “pimp his rides,” adding, “for free, dawg- I need this.”

Anna from HR, who invited you into the NBA bubble?

An acquaintance of Ghislaine Maxwell claims the disgraced socialite “has tapes of two prominent US politicians having sex with minors.” When asked about the report, Representative Jim Jordan said, “I refuse to believe that there is only one other pedophile in Congress with me.”

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has introduced a bill to end federal funding for any public K-12 schools that teach The New York Times Magazine’s groundbreaking “1619 Project,” which reframes United States history around slavery. “We cannot allow our children to be taught anything that is not universally and verifiably true,” Cotton said, “like the Bible.”

Jerry, John Lewis is not an anagram of JonBenét Ramsey.

Beloved television icon Regis Philbin has passed away. Donald Trump has tweeted his condolences to Larry King’s family.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt has tested positive for coronavirus. “The Supreme Court ruled that half my state is owned by fucking Indians, and I got coronavirus,” Stitt told reporters Monday. “Not a coincidence.”

I would like to take a moment to address the recent coronavirus outbreaks at several of our meat processing plants in North Carolina. I am truly, madly, deeply sorry that our robust supply chain has been disrupted. This has been a difficult, meatless time for many, not least of whom are those who have been forced to celebrate the funerals of their relatives who worked at various meat processing plants in North Carolina without the product to which the deceased devoted their lives. Thank you for your patience and understanding as we speed up the transition from human to automated labor.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has been labeled an “extremist” by the Southern Poverty Law Center. When asked to comment on the designation, Miller replied, “I am not a virgin. How could you possibly even insinuate that? I have a wife. A beautiful, human wife.”

Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams is in quarantine for 10 days after telling the NBA he was leaving the league’s Orlando bubble to attend a funeral in Atlanta, only to show up on a rapper’s Instagram story taken at the Magic City strip club. “To be clear: it was a funeral,” Williams wrote on Twitter, “for DEEZ NUTS, cause they been worked to DEATH.”

Oh, and I’m also hiring a food taster. When the revolution comes, you’ll be killing one of your own!

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/23/20

Good Afternoon,

What a dream… four million coronavirus cases! We’re churning out tests as fast as we can for about $10 a pop, and at an average cost to each patient of about $100, we’re estimating an extra $38 billion in revenue once everyone in the country contracts the virus!

At this rate, we’re projecting that to happen around October 1st.

Business!

Prince Andrew’s daughter Princess Beatrice was married last week in a very private ceremony. The couple declined to invite a flower girl.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has revealed that she is being treated for a recurrence of cancer. “The only thing that can save me,” Ginsburg told reporters recently, “is some very woke memes.”

Anna from our Orlando office, glad to see you’re back at work as Princess Jasmine! Somehow even sexier in that mask…

An astounding new conspiracy theory posits that online furniture retailer Wayfair has been trafficking children using listings for high-priced industrial cabinets that share the first names of some children who have, at one point or another, gone missing. If anyone has any further knowledge regarding this matter, please unscramble the decoded message in this sentence (hint: cranberry boysenberry pip pop stew) and contact the email address therein immediately.

In the wake of the Washington Professional Football Team’s long overdue decision to change its name, the Edmonton Eskimos of the Canadian Football League have decided to follow suit. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has since announced he will step down as the team’s mascot.

Jerry, your second quarter review was not a “cognitive test.”

Hulu is in the process of adapting the book Rodham, an alternate history about former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, into a streaming series. The show will depict the journey of a young Hillary Rodham through a post-WWII America divided between the victorious Axis powers as she searches for a mysterious figure known as “The Man In The High Castle.”

Italian police recently intercepted a shipment of coffee beans from Colombia that had been hollowed out and filled with cocaine. Italian coffee company Lavazza is said to be “furious” about the government’s intervention, alleging it exposed the trade secrets behind its immensely popular ¡Tierra! blend.

When our onsite daycare reopens, we will no longer be playing “good cop, bad cop” with children. Instead, ONLY when necessary, we will be engaging in “community psychological counselor, murderer.”

Amazon has purchased the naming rights to the new hockey venue where the NHL expansion Seattle Kraken will play with plans to call it “Climate Pledge Arena.” The company is encouraging customers to begin saving the boxes in which they receive Amazon packages to be used for the stadium’s retractable roof.

Serial pedophile and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly married, and her husband is rumored to be Scott Borgerson, the CEO of “maritime innovation company” CargoMetrics. Borgerson has been unavailable for comment, but his lawyer has released a statement reading, “Scott has no idea what has been shipped in the countless containers that he has made exponentially more efficient over the years, only that his single biggest client has been Wayfair.”

Did I mention that most people get tested more than once?

And don’t even get me STARTED on schools…

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/15/20

Hello Comrades In Arms/Sympathizers With My Plight,

I would like to announce that, effective immediately, I am resigning from the position of memo writer, which I created several years ago. The climate I have fostered is anti-intellectual and toxic towards myself and everyone else who writes the memo, many of whom hold my same views because they are also me. This has not been an easy decision, and signals major issues in the future not only for me and the company, but for the whole of American Democracy. At best, what we can expect from a world where I were to continue writing weekly memos is mediocrity, and at worst is gulags. Thus, I must hold myself accountable for the actions of others, including myself, and resign immediately. Thank you for your support, and for allowing me to continue to write elsewhere in the future for money provided not by people who dislike me, such as myself, but those who adore me, whom I am certain are out there and were just waiting for this resignation to make their feelings known.

So, for the last time… business.

In announcing his short-lived presidential bid last week, autotune pioneer Kanye West tipped self-appointed “biblical life coach” Michelle Tidball to be his running mate. Tidball, who believes that doing chores can cure mental illness, is also known by her stage name, “Kanye West.”

All-white country group Lady Antebellum, which last month announced its intention to change its name to “Lady A,” is now suing a Black blues singer who currently goes by that name. “Our name was Lady Antebellum for a reason,” band member Hillary Scott said in a recent interview, “and our war has finally come.”

Anna from R&D, your vaccine research looks very promising! When it’s ready, I’d like to stick it into your butt.

Blake Neff, a writer for the Fox News show “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” has resigned after he was revealed to have anonymously written numerous racist and sexist posts on an online forum. Tucker Carlson has since vowed he will never again hire a writer who conceals his identity online.

Florida reported over 15,000 new cases of COVID-19 on Sunday, the highest single day total for any state since the beginning of the pandemic. The increase was attributed to a single, mysterious “Florida man.”

Happy Birthday, Jerry. You are not “a survivor of ageism.”

This week, a former Trump cabinet member told The New York Times that the erstwhile reality show host inquired about “selling” the island of Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria in 2017. Trump reportedly speculated that the island could be “used as leverage to get Hawaii from the Japanese.”

Gary Larson, creator of popular cartoon “The Far Side,” has released his first new work in 25 years. The new cartoon, which is being hailed as “visionary,” depicts two sheep in a field with the caption, “Man, Hal, 2020 is baaaaaad.”

I have heard your calls, and I would like to formally announce that, as of today, we will no longer advertise on Facebook. Instead, we have shifted our marketing strategy entirely to Minecraft, Roblox, and other children’s games, through which the possibility for staggeringly large unilateral purchases by minors using their parents’ credit cards is virtually limitless.

Japanese minimalist housewares brand Muji has filed for bankruptcy. The company has requested that the judge appointed to supervise the proceedings be Marie Kondo.

Filings show that the Catholic Church may have received over $3.5 billion in taxpayer-funded small business aid related to the coronavirus pandemic. The church has released a statement thanking all Americans for their involuntary contributions, adding, “Most of you are still going to hell.”

It has come to my attention that, should I resign, Israel will have no defenders left in the world of writing. Thus, I retract my prior resignation, effective immediately. I would like to thank myself for giving myself back my prior position, though it could not have been filled by anyone else, as I am the way and the truth and the life.

Thank you for your time, attention, attention, and more attention.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/8/20

Dear Online,

I would have sent memos these past two weeks, but I was afraid of getting canceled.

Business!

Students in Tuscaloosa, Alabama have reportedly taken to throwing “COVID parties” in a race to see who can become infected with the virus first. Local teen Sam Duggan called the parties “sick.”

Princeton University is removing former university and United States President Woodrow Wilson’s name from its school of public policy. Princeton, which as of 2019 had a $26.1 billion endowment, said it was “proud to have now done all that we can to combat systemic racism and inequality in America.”

Anna from Sales, congratulations on publishing your latest book, Mulungu, Muluku, and Mungu: The Presence and Power of a Common God in Disparate Bantu Mythologies. You look SUPER hot on the back cover.

An Italian boy who started a website for chronicling miracles before dying at the age of 15 is on track to become the Catholic Church’s “patron saint of the Internet.” The child’s family reportedly objected to the church’s initial title suggestion, “patron saint of young boys.”

Mississippi lawmakers have voted to remove the Confederate “Stars and Bars” from the state flag. The state has yet to decide on a replacement image, but Governor Tate Reeves has said he is considering “anything white.”

Jerry, you were not a student of Mary Kay Letourneau.

Northwestern University researchers have discovered a COVID-19 strain that they believe to be unique to the city of Chicago. Donald Trump has since vowed to send National Guard troops to the city.

The president of the Central Asian nation of Uzbekistan recently signed a “Safe Travel GUARANTEED” decree that promises the equivalent of 3,000 USD to any tourist who gets coronavirus while visiting the country. Travel to Uzbekistan is currently restricted to citizens of New Zealand, Vatican City, and North Korea.

Due to the coronavirus pandemic, Broadway theaters will remain closed through the end of 2020. As a result, Disney Theatrical Group has announced that it will make each of its recent Broadway musicals available to stream on its new service Disney++ for the price of a typical orchestra ticket ($250).

In advance of November’s enormously consequential presidential election, I am pleased to announce our very first company candidate town hall! We will be welcoming Independent candidate Kanye West, who will speak to us about the dangers of vaccines, his on-again, off-again friendship with Donald Trump, and what it was like to  collaborate with God. This event will be held in person on Friday, 7/8 in Conference Room DD, as Mr. West says he already contracted the coronavirus and is immune.

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson has apologized for posting an antisemitic quote from Adolf Hitler on his Instagram story. “I now understand that Hitler represents different things to different people,” Jackson said in a follow-up post. “To me, he’ll always be the adorable goofball from Jojo Rabbit.”

The Indian government has banned TikTok and other Chinese-made smartphone apps after recent clashes between the two countries’ militaries near their disputed border in the Himalayas. TikTok’s creators have since urged Indian teenagers to partake in the “Ghandi Challenge,” for which they starve themselves until the app is reinstated.


From now on I promise to fight, alongside my brothers and sisters who were born into their respective genders, to eliminate any possible instances of hatred, intolerance, and/or bigotry towards me and/or them anywhere on the Internet and/or anywhere else, although where else is there? Nowhere that matters.

-The Chairman

And

Elliot Ackerman Saladin Ambar, Rutgers University Martin Amis Anne Applebaum Marie Arana, author Margaret Atwood John Banville Mia Bay, historian Louis Begley, writer Roger Berkowitz, Bard College Paul Berman, writer Sheri Berman, Barnard College Reginald Dwayne Betts, poet Neil Blair, agent David W. Blight, Yale University Jennifer Finney Boylan, author David Bromwich David Brooks, columnist Ian Buruma, Bard College Lea Carpenter Noam Chomsky, MIT (emeritus) Nicholas A. Christakis, Yale University Roger Cohen, writer Ambassador Frances D. Cook, ret. Drucilla Cornell, Founder, uBuntu Project Kamel Daoud Meghan Daum, writer Gerald Early, Washington University-St. Louis Jeffrey Eugenides, writer Dexter Filkins Federico Finchelstein, The New School Caitlin Flanagan Richard T. Ford, Stanford Law School Kmele Foster David Frum, journalist Francis Fukuyama, Stanford University Atul Gawande, Harvard University Todd Gitlin, Columbia University Kim Ghattas Malcolm Gladwell Michelle Goldberg, columnist Rebecca Goldstein, writer Anthony Grafton, Princeton University David Greenberg, Rutgers University Linda Greenhouse Rinne B. Groff, playwright Sarah Haider, activist Jonathan Haidt, NYU-Stern Roya Hakakian, writer Shadi Hamid, Brookings Institution Jeet Heer, The Nation Katie Herzog, podcast host Susannah Heschel, Dartmouth College Adam Hochschild, author Arlie Russell Hochschild, author Eva Hoffman, writer Coleman Hughes, writer/Manhattan Institute Hussein Ibish, Arab Gulf States Institute Michael Ignatieff Zaid Jilani, journalist Bill T. Jones, New York Live Arts Wendy Kaminer, writer Matthew Karp, Princeton University Garry Kasparov, Renew Democracy Initiative Daniel Kehlmann, writer Randall Kennedy Khaled Khalifa, writer Parag Khanna, author Laura Kipnis, Northwestern University Frances Kissling, Center for Health, Ethics, Social Policy Enrique Krauze, historian Anthony Kronman, Yale University Joy Ladin, Yeshiva University Nicholas Lemann, Columbia University Mark Lilla, Columbia University Susie Linfield, New York University Damon Linker, writer Dahlia Lithwick, Slate Steven Lukes, New York University John R. MacArthur, publisher, writer

Susan Madrak, writer Phoebe Maltz Bovy, writer Greil Marcus Wynton Marsalis, Jazz at Lincoln Center Kati Marton, author Debra Mashek, scholar Deirdre McCloskey, University of Illinois at Chicago John McWhorter, Columbia University Uday Mehta, City University of New York Andrew Moravcsik, Princeton University Yascha Mounk, Persuasion Samuel Moyn, Yale University Meera Nanda, writer and teacher Cary Nelson, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Olivia Nuzzi, New York Magazine Mark Oppenheimer, Yale University Dael Orlandersmith, writer/performer George Packer Nell Irvin Painter, Princeton University (emerita) Greg Pardlo, Rutgers University – Camden Orlando Patterson, Harvard University Steven Pinker, Harvard University Letty Cottin Pogrebin Katha Pollitt, writer Claire Bond Potter, The New School Taufiq Rahim, New America Foundation Zia Haider Rahman, writer Jennifer Ratner-Rosenhagen, University of Wisconsin Jonathan Rauch, Brookings Institution/The Atlantic Neil Roberts, political theorist Melvin Rogers, Brown University Kat Rosenfield, writer Loretta J. Ross, Smith College J.K. Rowling Salman Rushdie, New York University Karim Sadjadpour, Carnegie Endowment Daryl Michael Scott, Howard University Diana Senechal, teacher and writer Jennifer Senior, columnist Judith Shulevitz, writer Jesse Singal, journalist Anne-Marie Slaughter Andrew Solomon, writer Deborah Solomon, critic and biographer Allison Stanger, Middlebury College Paul Starr, American Prospect/Princeton University Wendell Steavenson, writer Gloria Steinem, writer and activist Nadine Strossen, New York Law School Ronald S. Sullivan Jr., Harvard Law School Kian Tajbakhsh, Columbia University Zephyr Teachout, Fordham University Cynthia Tucker, University of South Alabama Adaner Usmani, Harvard University Chloe Valdary Lucía Martínez Valdivia, Reed College Helen Vendler, Harvard University Judy B. Walzer Michael Walzer Eric K. Washington, historian Caroline Weber, historian Randi Weingarten, American Federation of Teachers Bari Weiss Sean Wilentz, Princeton University Garry Wills Thomas Chatterton Williams, writer Robert F. Worth, journalist and author Molly Worthen, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Matthew Yglesias Emily Yoffe, journalist Cathy Young, journalist Fareed Zakaria

Internal Memo for Thursday, 6/18/20

Good Afternoon Recent Graduates,

As some of you may know, I am often asked to speak at commencement exercises for various colleges, universities, and Economics Institutes for Federal Judges. This year, with many such ceremonies happening virtually, I declined, as I would not receive my customary fees and all-expenses-paid trips. This was a heart-wrenching decision for me, as I enjoy nothing more than steeping the young minds of America in her favored ideals of progress, liberty, freedom, economic progress, economic liberty, and economic freedom. In lieu of my usual (poignant and timely) remarks, I will defer instead to my great-great-great-grandfather, who spoke the following words to the Harvard College class of 1895:

Go forth, ye humble souls, and live off of the land. For the land shall be tilled by those less skilled, less gifted, less noble of birth and destiny than yourselves, and they shall happily render unto you what is yours, which is everything but the barest necessities on which they are to live, work, and bear children, who will in time take up the selfsame stations in life upon their parents’ unremarkable demise, never ascending to the heights you have achieved by dint of birth and breeding, not to mention your lofty achievement in graduating from this most hallowed of American universities.

Congratulations, graduates of the Harvard (and Yale, and Princeton) class of 2020: A bright future awaits!

A future… of business!

A Republican state senator from Ohio has been fired from his job as an ER doctor for asking at a recent hearing whether “African Americans or the colored population” are more susceptible to the novel coronavirus because they “do not wash their hands as well as other groups.” “This is just not fair,” State Senator Steve Huffman told reporters in the wake of the incident, “I’ve never met one.”

Scientists stationed aboard the International Space Station have reportedly created a fifth state of matter. The resulting material was discovered through experiments costing a reported $2.5 trillion and has no practical application.

Anna from Analytics, you look so happy in all of your Instagram posts from 2012.

ABC News has placed executive Barbara Fedida on leave after reports of her using racist language on multiple occasions. Many white women have since come to Fedida’s defense, calling her alleged comments “locker room talk.”

The Small Business Administration has declined to identify any of the 4.5 million businesses that have so far received over $500 billion of coronavirus-related bailout funds. “We have a lot of things to take care of before we can release that information,” Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said at a recent press conference, “like secure another $500 billion from taxpayers.”

Jerry, you do not have an adopted Cuban son.

New York University has announced that it will reopen for in-person classes in the fall. Attending students will be required to enroll in the university’s health insurance plan, which diverts all payment for treatment of those who contract the virus directly to the NYU-Langone hospital system.

Standup comic Chris D’Elia stands accused of sexual harassment and pedophilia. In a newly resurfaced video from 2011, D’Elia told E! News that his comedy heroes were “Louis CK, Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein… you know, all the greats.”

Good news, everyone: Our New York City office has been cleared for Phase II reopening! That means meetings of up to 10 people, meals in the cafeteria, and open-mouth kissing (where appropriate).

Adult film star Ron Jeremy has taken to Twitter in an attempt to stop power company Con Edison from cutting down a tree planted by his father outside of his childhood home in Queens. “I cannot let them cut it down!!” Jeremy said in a tweet. “This tree – this very large, girthy, extremely hard tree – taught me everything I know.”

Country music group Lady Antebellum has changed its name to “Lady A.” The band’s members have clarified that the move was not made in response to recent protests seeking racial justice, but as an homage to Senator Lindsey Graham.

Yeah, Great-Great-Great-Grandpa was a great-great-great man.

Never worked a day in his life.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 6/12/20

Hello New Employees,
 
Welcome! We are so happy you have chosen to join the company. I would like to take a moment to welcome each and every one of you personally, but as I do not have time to do so this memo will suffice. You should all consider yourselves lucky to have a job! As economies slowly reopen around the world, there are still countless qualified individuals like yourselves who did not find minimum-wage employment like that to which you have agreed for a minimum (but not limited) term of two (2) years. You are all special, and you were not only hired because your meager salaries were fully guaranteed as part of a deal we struck last month with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. No, no- it is because you each bring a unique set of skills to the company, skills which I would enumerate if only I had time. You see, even maintaining a business during such a time of unprecedented economic and social upheaval is difficult, let alone growing it at the rate we currently are, which is astronomical. Eat your heart out, Zoom! And you- you are all now a part of that astronomical growth. In time, you may even share in the profits, provided you prove yourself useful and recruit at least five investors to our new multi-level-marketing arm, Koolest Kosmetics! You should have received the appropriate information on this exciting new venture in your digital welcome packets. I wish I had time to revisit it here, and to explain why each and every one of you (whom I handpicked to become part of our #fabulous #team) is uniquely qualified to help it grow, but I simply do not. Now, some very important announcements:
 
-We just signed a new deal with Maxwell House to test their newest coffee flavors at our offices! Available flavors are:
         -Black Raspberry
         -Ruby Red Grapefruit
         -Blue Blueberry
         -Green Banana
         -Black (Lives Matter) Cherry (.0000000002% of proceeds will go directly to providing discount coffee to underprivileged youths in as yet undisclosed urban areas)
 
-I’ve always wondered about the effects of maltodextrin on the metabolisms of middle-aged adults, so I’ve partnered with researchers at the Harvard Center for Applied Biosciences (FKA The Harvard Jeffrey Epstein Center for Human Engineering) to find out more! If you would like to volunteer, please inquire directly with HR. No diabetics.
 
-Speaking of maltodextrin, I’m not sure what I’m going to have for lunch today… I’ve made a pros and cons list for the two top choices (a Cuban sandwich and a tender osso buco):
 

CUBAN SANDWICH	TENDER OSSO BUCO
Pros:	Pros:
Meat	Tender
Pickles	Tenderer
Cheese	Tenderest
Lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise (in Key West version)	Made by personal chef
	Expensive (expensed to the company)
	White wine in cooking (for a pleasant (but not overpowering) buzz)
Cons:	Cons:
Named for filthy socialist country	Too filling?
Smells
Reminds me of the poor
Lactose?

 
Hang on… no, no, give me a second to think a little longer…
 
 
 
Huh. Still stumped.
 
In sum, welcome to the next chapter of your lives, you pliant little nobodies. Each and every one of you has a story to tell, and you will perhaps get the chance to tell it, but right now there’s just no time. Business!
 
The CEO of Crossfit, Greg Glassman, has resigned after making racist comments on Twitter and over email. Glassman said the remarks did not reflect his beliefs but were instead part of a “revolutionary” marketing campaign he thought up called “Hate Not Weight.”
 
Protestors armed with fake blood descended on Boston’s Faneuil Hall Tuesday in a push to rename the building, which currently bears the name of slave trader Peter Faneuil. Possible new monikers include “The Belichick Center,” “The Affleck Arcade,” and “Boston Is An Irredeemably Racist Shithole Hall.”
 
Anna from Sales, I see you’re back on Hinge.
 
After Pakistan declared an emergency in February over abnormally large locust swarms, China contemplated sending 100,000 ducks to its neighbor to help contain the problem. The Chinese government ultimately declined, opting instead to permanently send 100,000 Uighurs.
 
Saturn’s moon of Titan is reportedly drifting away from the planet and out into space. Donald Trump recently expressed his desire to buy the moon and bring it closer to Earth, tweeting “I know the Saturn Prime Minister- Good Guy!”
 
Jerry, you did not earn a PhD in African-American literature.
 
A $1 million fortune hidden in the Rocky Mountains by New Mexico art dealer Forrest Fenn has reportedly been found. Fenn declined to say who unearthed the treasure, only that he “needs some of it back after the divorce.”
 
Long-running reality television show “Cops” has been canceled. The Paramount Network has announced in a statement that it will replace the show in its lineup with reruns of “Friends,” “a show with no insensitive depictions of nonwhite individuals, or any depictions of nonwhite individuals at all.”
 
Princeton University’s sociology department has announced that it will not accept any new applications in 2020 in order to better assist current students with the challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic. Upon hearing the news, Princeton alum Jeff Bezos announced he had reached a deal with the university to buy out the incoming freshman class so that his son will be its only student.
 
I would like to extend to all of you a personal invitation to attend our upcoming virtual Colorblind Party, in celebration of our newly colorblind world. It will take place on BlueJeans (more like just “Jeans,” am I right?) this coming Monday at 10 PM PDT (1 AM EDT Tuesday). We will be listening to Counting Crows’ hit single “Colorblind” on repeat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.
 
In a stunning video, journalist Omar Jimenez of CNN was arrested live on air while covering the Minneapolis protests in the wake of George Floyd’s death. The officers who arrested him have been offered early retirements with full pensions.
 
A new study has linked recurrent negative thoughts to dementia. “Great,” said New Yorker James Desmond of the results, “the sooner I can forget how shitty life is, the better.”
 
 
God, you’re all just… oh, man. I’m overwhelmed. What you’re going to help us build here… it’s just incredible. I think the next 100 years, everyone sitting here- you’re the leaders of the future. City, city-states is where it’s at. I think governments from all around the world, without pointing any fingers, are having a very difficult time. I think as mayors, as leaders, as CEOs, it is our responsibility to set the trend of the future, and the trend is “we” vs. “me.”
 
Namaste.
 
-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/3/20

Statement From The Chairman Regarding Ongoing Violence And Police Brutality:

We at the Company unequivocally stand against brutality of all kinds and in all measures, from all peoples in all times heretofore unknown and known. It is shameful the treatment of some by others and we stand with Pan-Afro Christians and Jews in this time of great mourning and beatification of souls for the worship and splendor of Religious Freedom. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us, oh lord, forgive us. For the path that is not righteous is the path of Police Anger & Frustration (PA&F), and lies, damned lies, and statistics. We pledge to donate (insert amount here) to (insert organization here) and any wholly owned subsidiaries of members of our board and their families. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us again, please, our trespasses, as trespassing is a federal crime under statue 32 of Marbury v. Madison which Massive Resistance crowds in major cities around amerikkka have deemed wholly unenforceable as it encroaches upon the rights and freedoms of many, not the one, but all for one and one for all. Give us this day a word from out sponsor:

Puffs Plus©! With Lotion is the only tissue brand endorsed by Huey P. Newton for the purposes of freedom! New Puffs “No Tears”® with Vicks Vap-O-Rub© pairs well with a nice chianti (from Stag’s Leap™ Winery) to keep your family safe from systemic oppression and the scourge of racism.*

*Runny noses.

It is in the spirit of this Anniversary of the Death of Freedom on the Continent that our Company bands together to invest and divest from those who invest and divest in division and inclusion, forsaking all others til death do us part. Maintain and plantain, my brothers and sisters, for we are the future our ancestors dreamed of.

-Copyright 2020, The Chairman Of The Bored, All Rights Reserved.
            -Audiobook produced by Penguin Random House Audio, All Rights Reserved. Read By Wesley Snipes.
                        -Legal copy read and approved by Alexander Acosta, May 24^th, 2020. Deus O!
                                    –Business.

The board of Minneapolis Public Schools has voted unanimously to terminate its contract with the city’s police department following outrage over the murder of George Floyd. In response to the move, US Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos released a statement calling for emergency school choice vouchers for Minneapolis parents, “each of whom deserves the option of having his or her children educated at his or her local police station directly by the police.”

Notorious racist Steve King of Iowa has officially lost the Republican primary for his seat in the US House of Representatives. In his concession speech, King said he was looking forward to starting the next chapter of his life, fusing with Stephen Miller to form Kluxtron, the ultimate white supremacist.

Anna from Accounting, your life matters 😉

Donald Trump and the Republican National Committee have announced that the Republican National Convention will not be held in Charlotte, North Carolina, as originally scheduled. Instead, the RNC has decided to move the event to Chicken, Alaska.

Several members of the NYPD verbally and physically abused two Associated Press reporters covering protests in Manhattan Tuesday night. “Well how would you feel if someone was pointing a camera in your face when you were violently dispersing nonviolent protestors, knowing that if the video got out you would lose your job and be subject to public humiliation on an unimaginable scale?” Police Commissioner Dermot Shea said in a subsequent press conference. “No further questions.”

No, Jerry. No.

Secretary of Defense Mark Esper broke with Donald Trump Wednesday in expressing his belief that active-duty military should not be used to respond to protests around the country. Trump has since fired Esper and appointed his replacement, Milo Yiannopoulos.

In recently leaked audio from the Mount Vernon, NY police department, cops admit to falsifying search warrants and framing innocent suspects over the course of three years. Detective Camilo Antonini, accused on the tapes of collaborating with certain “favored” criminals and making false charges, defended himself to reporters by saying, “Hey, at least I didn’t kill anybody.”

For those of you wondering what the company is doing to respond to recent events, please see the above statement.

All four officers involved in the choking death of George Floyd are now facing charges from second-degree murder to aiding and abetting murder. Fox News host Tucker Carlson lashed out at the charges on his show, saying, “Not one of these men has ever performed an abortion.”

An organization known as the Tennessee Valley Progressive Alliance is attempting to raise $25,000 to cover the potential fine for removing a statue of a uniformed Confederate soldier from in front of a courthouse in Huntsville, Alabama. “By all means, please continue,” Alabama Governor Kay Ivey told reporters Monday. “All that money’s going straight to the police.”

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 5/22/20

Good Afternoon “Generation Z”,

During this uncertain time, I have become one of you. Or, as J. Robert Oppenheimer so eloquently put it, “I am become death.” How, you ask? By interfacing exclusively with the one media platform sure to exist in the world to come…

TikTok.

Join me, won’t you, as I embark on a journey filled with dance…

… and business.

According to a report in The Intercept citing leaked internal documents, TikTok’s founders instructed the site’s moderators to restrict content from “unattractive and impoverished” users. “What we meant to say is, all of our users are hot and rich,” founder Zhang Yiming told reporters, “as you can see anytime you open the app.”

The latest trend taking TikTok by storm is the “pee your pants challenge,” for which participants take videos of themselves in front of the mirror urinating in their pants. Comedian Adam Sandler has sued the company for copyright infringement, saying it not only stole the challenge from his movie Billy Madison, but it stole countless videos of white people dressing as offensive stereotypes of Native Americans from his film The Ridiculous Six.

Anna from Sales, I had no idea you could fit that whole scene from Blue Is The Warmest Color into 15 seconds!

TikTok also recently birthed the “autism challenge,” through which users mock people with disorders like autism and epilepsy. TikTok’s new CEO Kevin Mayer called the videos “unfortunate,” adding, “but they’re some of our most viewed.”

An Indian family wound up in the hospital last week after drinking a “preventive medicine” for COVID-19 that they saw in a TikTok video. Users in the country have since been urged not to post any more of Donald Trump’s press conferences on the site.

Jerry, you are still not an influencer.

Disgraced Papa John’s founder John Schnatter took to TikTok last week to give viewers a tour of his mansion. Conspicuously, he neglected to show the basement.

Singer Jason Derulo attempted to prank fans this week with a TikTok video in which he appeared to lose both of his front teeth while eating corn on the cob with a power drill. “I thought it would be funny, but it wasn’t,” Derulo said in a subsequent apology video, “like Cats.”

ATTENTION: To celebrate the relaxation of social distancing rules in many states, each office will be filming its own TikTok video of employee group hugs with the hashtag #grouphugchallenge. No masks allowed- bad for the brand.

TikTok user Josh Popkin “accidentally” spilled a large plastic container of milk and cereal on the New York City subway last week, leaving behind a huge mess that MTA workers were forced to clean up in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. The MTA called the prank a “disaster” and announced that it would permanently raise fares to $10/ride to pay for the damage.

A string of racist TikTok posts by a student depicting slave auctions and other offensive imagery has sparked outrage at a New Jersey high school. The student’s parents have released a statement saying that their son is “very sorry” and have agreed to partially fund a new African-American studies center at Princeton University, his top choice college.

Wow.

I mean… wow.

WHAT a great product! Where do I invest?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/16/20

I wish it hadn’t come to this… but I’ve been forced to send a weekend memo. It seems some of you have already forgotten that time means nothing anymore, and that you can be called on to work at any time of day, any day of the week, so you have begun to take “Saturdays” “off.” I’m going to say this as diplomatically as possible:

What

the fuck

is wrong with you?

Business.

Vladimir Putin’s chief spokesman, Dmitry Peskov, has tested positive for coronavirus. He reportedly contracted it from one of a number of infected White House staffers.

Mary-Kate Olsen has petitioned a New York City court for an emergency divorce from her husband of five years, French banker Olivier Sarkozy. Judge Judy Berman replied with a GIF of Olsen saying, “You got it, dude!” followed by, “Just kidding, everything is closed.”

Anna from M&A, I found your OnlyFans page 😉

Roy Horn, one-half of legendary tiger-taming duo Siegfried & Roy, has died from coronavirus-related complications. Horn’s partner Siegfried Fischbacher has since released a statement reading, “I am devastated over the loss of my partner, Roy Horn. I am equally excited to announce my new partner, Joe Exotic.”

In the wake of several high-profile COVID-19 infections, the White House has instituted a new mandatory face-covering policy. Mike Pence clarified that the policy will only apply to women, telling reporters, “It’s about time.”

Jerry, you are not Elon Musk’s Cyrano de Bergerac.

Video has emerged of a 113-year-old Spanish coronavirus survivor talking about her battle against the virus. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”

An armed man drove his SUV into a crowd of people gathered for a “Salute to Nurses” parade in Darby, Pennsylvania last Tuesday. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”

Want to earn a quick $100? We’re looking for volunteers for our own intracompany coronavirus study! Please email COVID@FreeRealEstate.com with your age, height, job title, and complete bank account information (for direct deposit). Feel free to forward to friends and acquaintances!

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that some US citizens are not eligible for coronavirus-related stimulus checks because they’re married to immigrants. When asked about the report at a recent press conference, Donald Trump lashed out at reporters, saying, “People who marry immigrants need to learn their lesson! I married one and it’s been HORRIBLE.”

Johnson & Johnson Chief Scientific Officer Paul Stoffels stated publicly last week that the company is aiming to manufacture and deliver 1 billion coronavirus vaccines by 2021. Shares of Johnson & Johnson shot up 20% after the announcement, at which point Stoffels sold all of his shares and tendered his resignation.

Don’t make me send another of these tomorrow.

It’s the lord’s day, for god’s sake.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 5/8/20

Good Evening,

It has come to my attention that many people are suffering because of this pandemic. I had no idea. I have decided to personally match all donations, dollar-for-dollar, to the Kids Wish Network, up to $10.

As Mr. Rogers said: “Look for the helpers.”

Respectfully, business.

One of Donald Trump’s personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus. Trump has denied ever meeting the man, whom he calls “a Deep State traitor.”

Tom Cruise will reportedly partner with NASA to film a movie aboard the International Space Station. The film is expected to cost approximately 75,000 N95 masks.

Anna from IT, I think I found a locket with your picture in it in Conference Room C… oh wait, it’s mine!

COVID-19 has been found in semen, raising fears that it could be transmitted sexually. “Yeah,” said Fred Malzenburg, a 52-year-old former waste management professional from Akron, Ohio, “that’s how I got it for sure.”

Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre was allegedly paid $1.1 million for speeches he never gave as part of a Mississippi welfare fraud scheme. “I didn’t speak, but I fulfilled my commitment to those people,” Favre said. “I sent them some… pictures.”

Jerry, Reno is not “the safest place in the world.”

A woman killed by an alligator at a South Carolina gated community last week was there to do a homeowner’s nails. “We are devastated,” the homeowner, who wished to remain anonymous, told a local newspaper. “Consuela was… how do I say this?… her name, I think.”

Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Miller, wife of Stephen Miller, has contracted coronavirus. As a result, her husband is quarantining in Florida with his closest other relatives, a colony of flesh-eating bacteria known as Vibrio vulnificus.

Due to a marked decrease in undocumented immigration stemming from coronavirus, the HR department will be now be performing maintenance duties. They’ve taken your shit for long enough, and now they have to clean it up!

New York’s subway system was completely shut down for the first time in history Wednesday for a coronavirus-related deep cleaning. Upon further inspection, it is not expected to reopen.

The final Nazi message decoded by the British government has been released in honor of the 75^th anniversary of VE Day. “Surrender all units,” the message reads, “and initiate operation Drumpf.”

“Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”
-Proverbs 19:17

… but that’s not why I’m doing it.

-The Chairman