Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/8/20

Ding, dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch?
The socialist!
Ding, dong, the wicked witch is deaaaaaaaaad

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s morning again in America. With Bernie Sanders officially out of the race for the presidency, our investments in private health insurers, frackers, and defense contractors are set to SKYROCKET just as soon as the weakest among us have been culled by this pandemic. Finally, there is hope of getting somebody in the White House who isn’t just a foulmouthed loose cannon, but also an unrepentant plagiarista discreet sexual assaulter, and a hypocritical corporate shill!

Hail to the chief… of BUSINESS.

The CDC is recommending that all Americans wear masks when in public to avoid contracting the novel coronavirus, but Donald Trump has said he will not do so. Many of Trump’s harshest critics have praised the businessman’s “strong, principled decision” on the matter.

New York Knicks owner James Dolan has tested positive for coronavirus. To boost awareness of the virus, Dolan has announced he will be renaming his band to “JD And The State Spike (In Novel Coronavirus Cases).”

Anna from Communications, excellent work convincing the relevant authorities that all of our employees are essential! Now get over here and allow me thank you properly…

The US Justice Department has charged embattled Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro with narcoterrorism. Attorney General William Barr wrote in the indictment that Maduro’s ceaseless trafficking of cocaine and amphetamines “has undermined the transport of important lifesaving drug hydroxychloroquine to Americans suffering from coronavirus.”

In a related story, the US Food & Drug Administration has ordered that heartburn drug Zantac be pulled from shelves immediately, along with any other drugs that are not hydroxychloroquine.

Jerry, your legal name is not “Bhagavan ‘Doc’ Maldonado-Passage.”

New York City’s Governor’s Ball music festival has been canceled to prevent the further spread of COVID-19. Many prospective attendees have said they plan on contracting the virus anyway “to get some sweet scripts.”

Music industry mogul David Geffen opened himself up to criticism last week after posting that he was “isolated in the Grenadines” on his megayacht due to COVID-19. In response to the backlash, Geffen issued a statement saying he was opening his yacht up to all first responders within two nautical miles.

Chag Pesach sameach to our Finance Department!

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has strongly suggested that American citizens abroad return home immediately. American citizens abroad have replied, “No.”

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for coronavirus. Animal rights activist Carole Baskin has offered to adopt the sick animal, telling zoo staff, “I’m sure he’s hungry, and Howard’s really been getting on my nerves lately.”

God, I feel so relieved. Thank you to all those in Wisconsin who died bringing this favorable election outcome to bear.

And hey, it’s almost Easter, so… you never know.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/1/20

Good Morning Flat-Curvers,

April Fools! It is neither “good” nor the “morning.”

Business!

For the first time since World War II, Wimbledon has been canceled. Would-be competitors are being urged to practice activities that allow for appropriate distancing from others, such as tennis.

President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus has touted hockey, vodka, and traditional saunas known as “banyas” as treatments for the coronavirus. “That is the wrong message to be sending,” Director of the United States National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters on Tuesday. “Only two out of three of those work.”

Anna from the infirmary, seems everybody wants a piece of you! Especially me 😉

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. Since the diagnosis, the number one Google search in Britain has been, “How can a virus catch a virus?” 

The World Happiness Report recently ranked Finland as the world’s happiest country for the third year in a row. The organization has since updated its rankings to account for coronavirus, replacing Finland with Madagascar.

Jerry, roller derby is not an “essential service.”

A Democratic congressman from South Carolina has tested positive for coronavirus. Republican leaders have said the diagnosis should serve as a warning to all future Democrats planning to run in the state.

The head of the Philippines armed forces has also tested positive for coronavirus. “I wouldn’t worry too much about that,” US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told reporters about the news, “he’s the head of a non-Western military, so we were gonna kill him soon anyway.”

If you haven’t already, please download Tor. This could go on for a while and we’re gonna do some really illegal shit!

New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton has reportedly recovered from coronavirus. Authorities are still questioning Gregg Williams in relation to the infection.

In other recovery news, a 102-year-old woman in Italy has beaten COVID-19. When asked her secret, Italica Grondona replied, “Not living in the United States.”

Will it be April Fools… forever?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/26/20

Happy National Spinach Day, quarantiners! Hope you’ve got some in your freezer…

Apologies for the delay in this week’s memo- I had to wait for the unemployment numbers to come out so I could remind you all that you still have jobs, and thus must pledge your undying fealty to me and the company for the rest of your lives, day and night, no matter the hour or the pay.

Oh, and if you’ve been laid off this morning, your health insurance terminates tomorrow.

BUSINESS.

Lawyers for Bill Cosby are petitioning to have him released from jail due to his fears of contracting coronavirus. Cosby has reportedly refused to drink anything for weeks.

A member of Mike Pence’s staff has tested positive for coronavirus. Pence has since reported that the staffer has been healed by “believing he is straight.”

Anna from Finance, why do you turn off your Zoom in the bathroom?

The nations of the Group of Seven released separate statements about the coronavirus pandemic this week after the United States pushed to include the term “Wuhan virus” in a joint statement. There were said to be other language issues as well, such as Canada’s addition of, “Donald Trump is a fucking idiot” and France’s desired inclusion of, “At this point, honestly, what the fuck.”

After receiving widespread criticism, McDonald’s has halted a new ad campaign that separated its iconic golden arches in a nod to social distancing. Instead, the chain has said it will begin wrapping each patty of future Big Macs individually.

Jerry, now is not the time for your “Second Declaration of the Rights of Man.”

Donald Trump sent a letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un last week offering cooperation with containing the spread of the coronavirus. “Don’t worry,” Trump told reporters when pressed about the correspondence, “I sprinkled a little duck sauce on the envelope.”

University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban has released a PSA urging fans to stay home to avoid spreading the coronavirus. “If you happen to see other people,” Saban says in the spot, “do what I did with the Miami Dolphins: don’t say anything, just run away.”

For those of you concerned: Yes, we do have ventilators. Two thousand to be exact, sitting in the warehouse and ready to be used for employees as needed.

Republican Senator Kevin Cramer of North Dakota recently tweeted that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was “retarded” for her comments about her party’s coronavirus funding bill. “I didn’t mean literally retarded,” Cramer later clarified, “I just meant, you know, expendable for the sake of the economy.”

Instagram has released a new co-watching option that allows friends to watch videos on the platform together. The feature, developed last year, is called “COVID-19.”

Look on the bright side, friends- weekends are extinct!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/19/20

OK this isn’t funny anymore. Gramercy Tavern is closed.

Let’s get right to the business.

As of Thursday, there were 218,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus, worldwide. Cases are expected to rise sharply in the United States, where the only individuals able to be tested so far have been pro athletes.

The Cannes Film Festival has been postponed due to coronavirus. “Given the current circumstances,” Festival President Pierre Lescure told reporters, “we have decided to give all of this year’s prizes to the 2015 film Room.”

Don’t forget, Anna from IT, you’re on mandatory work from (my) home!

Idris Elba has been diagnosed with coronavirus. Producers of the James Bond franchise have since released a statement reading, “We are so disappointed that Idris is now forever disqualified from playing James Bond.”

Actor Kristofer Hivju, who played Tormund Giantsbane on Game of Thrones, has also tested positive for the virus. Hivju refuses to confirm or deny that he got it from fucking a bear.

Jerry, gin and tonics do not “ward off” the coronavirus.

Two members of Congress have tested positive for COVID-19. Rep. Ben McAdams (D-UT) has called his diagnosis a wake-up call, urging Americans to think not of people like him, who have ample financial and other resources to deal with the virus, and instead focus on those less able to avoid infection and receive treatment, while Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-FL) has pushed for aggressive new tax cuts.

The governor of Minnesota has signed an executive order designating grocery store workers as emergency employees during the coronavirus pandemic, allowing them access to free childcare. Governor Tim Walz said the extra care would not cost the state very much, as it consists of putting 20-40 children alone in a room labeled “QUARANTINE.”

If you haven’t signed up for Zoom already, what are you waiting for? And no, we will not reimburse.

Actress Vanessa Hudgens has apologized after making insensitive comments about the coronavirus pandemic on an Instagram Live broadcast this week. “Guys, I apologize, but, like, I get it,” Hudgens said on Twitter, “I mean, I did Rent Live! and, like, that’s about AIDS, too.”

Bernie Sanders won the Northern Mariana Islands Democratic presidential caucus on Saturday, gaining four for the territory’s six delegates. The caucus has taken on outsize importance this year because, in two months, the islands will be all that’s left.

Fuck- Eleven Madison Park, too? Fucking FUCK.

What is this, China?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/11/20

Ooh, my little pretty one, 
My pretty one
When you gonna give me some time, corona
Ooh, you make my motor run,
My motor run
Got it coming offa the line, corona

Never gonna stop
Give it up
Such a dirty mind
Always get it up
For the touch
Of the younger kind
My my my my my WOO

M-m-m-myyyy corona
M-m-m-myyyy corona

Am I the only one who can’t get that classic (and prescient) 70s anthem out of my head? It even mentions touch! I don’t know about you, but I’ve been missing our usual officewide hugs and gooses most of all. But don’t worry, several of my highly paid friends in the medical profession assure me that the weak will be culled soon enough and we can get back to what we do best…

Business.

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told lawmakers Wednesday that the NBA should consider playing its games without fans due to coronavirus concerns. “We’re merely suggesting that the NBA’s fans take a cue from its players,” Fauci said, “and take a lot of games off.”

In a related story, the Ivy League has canceled its conference basketball tournament in the interest of public health. Many fans of the league have expressed excitement to have discovered a new way to feel superior to everybody else.

Anna from Maintenance, I’ll need you to start disinfecting my office hourly. Because of the virus and… yeah, because of the virus.

The Exorcist star Max von Sydow has died. Maybe.

A biotech firm in London is seeking 24 volunteers to be injected with coronavirus for over $4,500 each. The volunteers will then be placed together in a 14-day quarantine where they will be filmed for the new ITV series Love Island: Coronavirus.

Jerry, do not distribute any more of your “hand sanitizer.”

A female Komodo dragon in a Tennessee zoo has given birth to three hatchlings without a male partner. Twelve other Komodo dragons have since begun work on a 66-book collection centering on the virgin birth that they expect to last well over 2,000 years and inform the most personal and consequential decisions of countless other Komodo dragons around the world.

In further Tennessee news, a 94-year-old ex-Nazi concentration camp guard living in the state will be deported after the US government found evidence of his past on a sunken World War II ship. Since arriving in the United States the man, Friedrich Karl Berger, has reportedly been living quietly in the Memphis area posting pro-Donald Trump memes on Facebook.

Do you find yourself touching your face a lot at work? Well don’t, ya perv!

In response to the coronavirus outbreak in the country, China has banned sale and consumption of the endangered pangolin. Experts fear the ban may lead to China’s losing its identity as the world’s foremost originator of novel coronaviruses.

Nik Wallenda, who angered some by wearing a safety harness while traversing an active volcano by tightrope last week, has said that the extra safety precaution was added by broadcaster ABC. “We couldn’t have Nik fall flat on his face and then burst into flames,” ABC spokesperson Manfred Gonzalez wrote in a statement, “we have enough of that with our Thursday night lineup.”

Come a little closer, huh,
A-will ya, huh?
Close enough to look in my eyes, corona
Keeping it a mystery,
It gets to me
Running down the length of my thigh, corona

That is how it feels, apparently! Just like pneumonia running down your thigh!

The Knack, man.

The Knack.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/4/20

Greetings Pledged Delegates.

Apologies for the delay- I don’t know about you, but I am HUNGOVER from Super Tuesday. Frankly, I haven’t had that much coconut rum since the South Carolina primary. In case you were wondering, here’s a recap of our spending for the occasion:

$2,000,000 to the Biden campaign in the form of a 12.5% APR loan to be repaid in full and with decreased tariffs on our imports from China within two years of election.

$5 to the Gabbard campaign to satisfy federal workplace diversity requirements.

$1,000,000 to the Sanders campaign in the form of an in-kind donation of man hours to proactively engage or respond to anyone who has ever said anything negative about Bernie, or anything at all about politics, on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Marco Polo, TikTok, Macy’s.com, and in-person.

$10,0000,000 to the Warren campaign in the form of ad spending from the intentionally opaque Super PACs we set up last week to camoflauge her genuine respect for the American people and the rule of law and get that fucking anti-corporate changemaking bitch out of the race altogether.

$48,000/year for the past 12 years to the Bloomberg campaign for our two beautiful terminals.

Mission accomplished!

BUSINESS.

Scientists have discovered the first known organism that does not need oxygen to live. The parasite, dubbed “Ben Shapiro,” subsists only on the adoration of incels.

Rhode Island has reported its first confirmed case of coronavirus. It is also the nation’s smallest.

Anna from Marketing, have you been tested yet? Cause I have an in-home kit… 

Italy has announced it will close schools nationwide for the next 10 days in response to the country’s coronavirus outbreak. At the time of the announcement, schools in the south of the country had already been closed for five years due to “Why bother?”

James Lipton, longtime host of “Inside the Actors Studio,” has died. When asked on his deathbed what he would like Saint Peter to say to him when he reaches heaven, Lipton replied, “I’ll be asking the questions.”

Jerry, coronavirus is not spread by hijabs.

Businessman Michael Bloomberg has officially suspended his campaign for president. The former New York City Mayor spent over $500 million dollars on advertising during his brief run, $499 million of which went to American Samoa.

The past week also saw the departures of billionaire Tom Steyer, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and Senator Amy Klobuchar from the presidential race. Buttigieg and Klobuchar have since endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, while Steyer is considering buying a different public office.

I’ve been asked by a lot of people this week how the company will be handling the growing threat posed by coronavirus.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Chargers are reportedly considering a move to London, England amid financial troubles in their new home city. “It’s tough out here,” wide receiver Keenan Allen told Sports Illustrated Tuesday. “Nobody’s booked a gig in months and we’re really struggling.”

Pioneering hip-hop group Public Enemy has cut ties with hype man Flavor Flav after Flav took issue with the group’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Flav reportedly disagreed with the rest of the group over Bernie’s plan to place a moratorium on vertical integration of large agribusiness corporations, which Flav has called “YEAAAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEE.”

she’s out, right?

… right?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/20

Laissez les bons temps rouler, fellow revelers! Instead of my customary Mardi Gras dick pic, I’ve decided to send… a memo!

This should not preclude you replying with abundant, tasteful boudoir photos.

… except you, Jerry.

BUSINESS.

Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak died on Tuesday. Donald Trump tweeted his condolences to the nations of Egypt, Syria, and Guatemala, just in case.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down. “Some people around the office had started calling Bob ‘Star Wars,’” an anonymous source told Forbes of the move, “cause of diminishing returns.”

Anna from Biz Dev, can I get a mission critical leveraged synergy of your elevator pitch for the recapitalization of our core disruptors in your sector by EOD? Then let’s circle back at my place at 21:00 for FUCKING (Focused Unity-Conscious Knowledge Inception Notarized Granularly).

Donald Trump confidant Roger Stone has been sentenced to 40 months in prison. In granting Stone leniency, Judge Amy Berman Jackson cited the fact that he is already serving the life sentence of being Roger Stone.

Tennis great Maria Sharapova, winner of five Grand Slam titles, is retiring. When asked about the news, Serena Williams replied, “Who?”

Jerry, I mean it.

Business website Glassdoor has named Raleigh, North Carolina the best place to find a job in 2020. Washington, D.C. was named the worst.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 2,000 points in the past week amid fears of further coronavirus outbreaks around the world. As a result, Mike Bloomberg has been forced to pull two 15-second TV ads from the Pullman, Washington market.

If you are the owner of a White Nissan Leaf, license plate REW-472, your car has been impounded. There will be none of that weak electric shit in my parking lot.

Michelle Janavs, heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune, was sentenced to five months in prison for her involvement in the college admissions scandal dubbed “Operation Varsity Blues.” Prosecutors had previously recommended that she stay in a little longer, or her middle would still be cold.

In his annual Ash Wednesday address, Pope Francis urged his followers to disconnect from their televisions and phones and give up insulting one another for Lent. “It’s not as if I’m asking you to give up something essential,” the Pope said to an assembly in Vatican City, “like molesting children.”

In lieu of my customary Ash Wednesday ass pic… I haven’t decided what to send yet. Check your inboxes later!

(Your physical inboxes. Just because I haven’t decided doesn’t mean it won’t be EXTREMELY large and EXTRAORDINARILY tactile.)

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/20

Thaaaaaaat’s riiiiiiiiight: I’m BACK, BABAY. Fresh off my extended quarantine on the Diamond Princess, I’m here to bring you all up to speed on the myriad happenings of the past couple of months. After a battery of tests, I can officially say that I am now virus-free, though there’s a high probability I infected several hundred persons with whom I came into contact while contagious. The global economy, am I right? Can’t beat it.

But seriously: I’d like to honor the brave men and women lost in our Wuhan office due to massive layoffs. This is another reminder that working from home is never a viable option, and threatens to erode company culture and office morale if practiced for even a day. Just say no (to remote work).

BUSINESS.

Division II Grand Valley State University has suspended the offensive coordinator of its football team after he told the campus newspaper he would like to have dinner with Hitler because, “the way he was able to lead was second-to-none.” Coach Berger has since issued a statement of apology reading, “I clearly meant to say second to our head football coach Mr. Matt Mitchell.”

Ben & Jerry’s has released three new flavors of non-dairy ice cream made with sunflower butter. The company says the flavors are designed for those with “severe taste allergies.”

Anna, I can’t wait to be in you tomorrow!

Since my last missive to you all, Marianne Williamson and Andrew Yang have dropped out of the presidential race. Many Democrats are left wondering which of the remaining candidates will advocate for important ideas like universal basic income and cupping.

Greece is threatening to demand the repatriation of the Elgin Marbles from England as part of Brexit negotiations. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he is open to the idea, “as long as they take the Poles, too.” 

Jerry, you did not star in Parasite.

Among Donald Trump’s recent controversial pardons and commutations was that of Rudy Giuliani’s former bodyguard (and former NYPD commissioner) Bernard Kerik. “Bernie’s a great man,” Trump told reporters Tuesday, “and I couldn’t pardon Rudy yet.”

Right-wing calls for a second Civil War revolving around the term “boogaloo” are gaining traction on some online platforms. Many self-identified members of the “movement” say they’re happy to have online friends.

In honor of the Democratic debate tonight, there’s free candy in Conference Room C! It’s free, but it’ll slowly kill you- just like universal healthcare!

A French amateur soccer player has been banned from competition for five years after biting an opponent’s penis. The victim has said that he blames himself, and that he wishes he’d regarded his opponent’s postgame offer of fellatio with “more suspicion.”

Burger King is announcing the removal of artificial preservatives from its hamburgers with a new ad campaign showing a Whopper growing mold over the course of 34 days. In response, Wendy’s has released an ad based on their longtime slogan “fresh, never frozen” that depicts two cows fucking.

WU-HAN! Got you all in check.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/2/19

Hello Long Lost Lovers,

It is I, Rip Van Chairman, awakening once again from my long slumber! During my time away I was able to free myself of any and all associations with Jeffrey Epstein (including flight logs) while maintaining my place in his will! Don’t worry, as with the proceeds from the recent changes to the tax code, I will be reinvesting the money I’ll soon be receiving from his tax-free trust in the Virgin Islands into workforce development. Yeah, “workforce development.” And guess what? I’m the workforce!

BUSINESS.

The Trump administration has announced that the children of some service members serving overseas will no longer receive automatic citizenship. “Each and every able bodied adult serving the United States of America both at home and abroad is a true hero,” White House adviser Stephen Miller said of the policy change, “and their kids haven’t done shit.”

Despite protests from the NCAA, California has become the first state to allow college athletes to profit from their names and likenesses. Several members of the USC women’s soccer team have since signed an endorsement deal with William Singer’s Edge College and Career Network, Inc.

Anna from Reception, I wanna light you up like a switchboard.

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has officially dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. She has demanded that Al Franken do the same.

Another New York politician, Mayor Bill de Blasio, has also dropped out of the race. “It just goes to show you,” de Blasio said in a somber press conference, “Americans will never vote for someone in the least bit associated with New York City.”

Jerry, please stop appearing on talk shows as “Rudy Giuliani.”

England’s Supreme Court last month ruled that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s suspension of Parliament over Brexit negotiations was unlawful. The court also called the ruling “most unpleasant,” writing that it “went down like a stiff cup of overbrewed PG Tips with no milk, completely boffing the crown roast at dear old Blighty’s stag do dinner.”

The first same-sex proposal in the history of ABC’s “Bachelor” franchise occurred last month when Demi Burnett proposed to girlfriend Kristian Haggerty. The engagement episode is being hailed as “the white trash Ellen.”

Need a little privacy? Head to the bathroom! Our transition to an open plan office is complete! 

Saturday Night Live recently fired new cast member Shane Gillis after clips of him using racist, sexist, and homophobic language just last year resurfaced. “My only regret,” series creator Lorne Michaels said of Gillis’ firing, “was that we didn’t hire him in the 90s.”

An international tribunal has determined that China may be harvesting organs from political prisoners and detainees from marginalized groups to sell on the black market. In response to the news, Alibaba has shut down its “Muslim organs” section.

Oh no, we’ve never had a controlling interest in Purdue Pharma.

At least not since last week.

-The Chairman

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