Hello New Employees,
Welcome! We are so happy you have chosen to join the company. I would like to take a moment to welcome each and every one of you personally, but as I do not have time to do so this memo will suffice. You should all consider yourselves lucky to have a job! As economies slowly reopen around the world, there are still countless qualified individuals like yourselves who did not find minimum-wage employment like that to which you have agreed for a minimum (but not limited) term of two (2) years. You are all special, and you were not only hired because your meager salaries were fully guaranteed as part of a deal we struck last month with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. No, no- it is because you each bring a unique set of skills to the company, skills which I would enumerate if only I had time. You see, even maintaining a business during such a time of unprecedented economic and social upheaval is difficult, let alone growing it at the rate we currently are, which is astronomical. Eat your heart out, Zoom! And you- you are all now a part of that astronomical growth. In time, you may even share in the profits, provided you prove yourself useful and recruit at least five investors to our new multi-level-marketing arm, Koolest Kosmetics! You should have received the appropriate information on this exciting new venture in your digital welcome packets. I wish I had time to revisit it here, and to explain why each and every one of you (whom I handpicked to become part of our #fabulous #team) is uniquely qualified to help it grow, but I simply do not. Now, some very important announcements:
-We just signed a new deal with Maxwell House to test their newest coffee flavors at our offices! Available flavors are:
-Black Raspberry
-Ruby Red Grapefruit
-Blue Blueberry
-Green Banana
-Black (Lives Matter) Cherry (.0000000002% of proceeds will go directly to providing discount coffee to underprivileged youths in as yet undisclosed urban areas)
-I’ve always wondered about the effects of maltodextrin on the metabolisms of middle-aged adults, so I’ve partnered with researchers at the Harvard Center for Applied Biosciences (FKA The Harvard Jeffrey Epstein Center for Human Engineering) to find out more! If you would like to volunteer, please inquire directly with HR. No diabetics.
-Speaking of maltodextrin, I’m not sure what I’m going to have for lunch today… I’ve made a pros and cons list for the two top choices (a Cuban sandwich and a tender osso buco):
| CUBAN SANDWICH | TENDER OSSO BUCO |
| Pros: | Pros: |
| Meat | Tender |
| Pickles | Tenderer |
| Cheese | Tenderest |
| Lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise (in Key West version) | Made by personal chef |
| Expensive (expensed to the company) | |
| White wine in cooking (for a pleasant (but not overpowering) buzz) | |
| Cons: | Cons: |
| Named for filthy socialist country | |
| Smells | |
| Reminds me of the poor | |
| Lactose? |
Hang on… no, no, give me a second to think a little longer…
Huh. Still stumped.
In sum, welcome to the next chapter of your lives, you pliant little nobodies. Each and every one of you has a story to tell, and you will perhaps get the chance to tell it, but right now there’s just no time. Business!
The CEO of Crossfit, Greg Glassman, has resigned after making racist comments on Twitter and over email. Glassman said the remarks did not reflect his beliefs but were instead part of a “revolutionary” marketing campaign he thought up called “Hate Not Weight.”
Protestors armed with fake blood descended on Boston’s Faneuil Hall Tuesday in a push to rename the building, which currently bears the name of slave trader Peter Faneuil. Possible new monikers include “The Belichick Center,” “The Affleck Arcade,” and “Boston Is An Irredeemably Racist Shithole Hall.”
Anna from Sales, I see you’re back on Hinge.
After Pakistan declared an emergency in February over abnormally large locust swarms, China contemplated sending 100,000 ducks to its neighbor to help contain the problem. The Chinese government ultimately declined, opting instead to permanently send 100,000 Uighurs.
Saturn’s moon of Titan is reportedly drifting away from the planet and out into space. Donald Trump recently expressed his desire to buy the moon and bring it closer to Earth, tweeting “I know the Saturn Prime Minister- Good Guy!”
Jerry, you did not earn a PhD in African-American literature.
A $1 million fortune hidden in the Rocky Mountains by New Mexico art dealer Forrest Fenn has reportedly been found. Fenn declined to say who unearthed the treasure, only that he “needs some of it back after the divorce.”
Long-running reality television show “Cops” has been canceled. The Paramount Network has announced in a statement that it will replace the show in its lineup with reruns of “Friends,” “a show with no insensitive depictions of nonwhite individuals, or any depictions of nonwhite individuals at all.”
Princeton University’s sociology department has announced that it will not accept any new applications in 2020 in order to better assist current students with the challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic. Upon hearing the news, Princeton alum Jeff Bezos announced he had reached a deal with the university to buy out the incoming freshman class so that his son will be its only student.
I would like to extend to all of you a personal invitation to attend our upcoming virtual Colorblind Party, in celebration of our newly colorblind world. It will take place on BlueJeans (more like just “Jeans,” am I right?) this coming Monday at 10 PM PDT (1 AM EDT Tuesday). We will be listening to Counting Crows’ hit single “Colorblind” on repeat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.
In a stunning video, journalist Omar Jimenez of CNN was arrested live on air while covering the Minneapolis protests in the wake of George Floyd’s death. The officers who arrested him have been offered early retirements with full pensions.
A new study has linked recurrent negative thoughts to dementia. “Great,” said New Yorker James Desmond of the results, “the sooner I can forget how shitty life is, the better.”
God, you’re all just… oh, man. I’m overwhelmed. What you’re going to help us build here… it’s just incredible. I think the next 100 years, everyone sitting here- you’re the leaders of the future. City, city-states is where it’s at. I think governments from all around the world, without pointing any fingers, are having a very difficult time. I think as mayors, as leaders, as CEOs, it is our responsibility to set the trend of the future, and the trend is “we” vs. “me.”
Namaste.
-The Chairman
The Chairman of the Bored 