Internal Memo for Friday, 6/12/20

Hello New Employees,
 
Welcome! We are so happy you have chosen to join the company. I would like to take a moment to welcome each and every one of you personally, but as I do not have time to do so this memo will suffice. You should all consider yourselves lucky to have a job! As economies slowly reopen around the world, there are still countless qualified individuals like yourselves who did not find minimum-wage employment like that to which you have agreed for a minimum (but not limited) term of two (2) years. You are all special, and you were not only hired because your meager salaries were fully guaranteed as part of a deal we struck last month with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. No, no- it is because you each bring a unique set of skills to the company, skills which I would enumerate if only I had time. You see, even maintaining a business during such a time of unprecedented economic and social upheaval is difficult, let alone growing it at the rate we currently are, which is astronomical. Eat your heart out, Zoom! And you- you are all now a part of that astronomical growth. In time, you may even share in the profits, provided you prove yourself useful and recruit at least five investors to our new multi-level-marketing arm, Koolest Kosmetics! You should have received the appropriate information on this exciting new venture in your digital welcome packets. I wish I had time to revisit it here, and to explain why each and every one of you (whom I handpicked to become part of our #fabulous #team) is uniquely qualified to help it grow, but I simply do not. Now, some very important announcements:
 
-We just signed a new deal with Maxwell House to test their newest coffee flavors at our offices! Available flavors are:
         -Black Raspberry
         -Ruby Red Grapefruit
         -Blue Blueberry
         -Green Banana
         -Black (Lives Matter) Cherry (.0000000002% of proceeds will go directly to providing discount coffee to underprivileged youths in as yet undisclosed urban areas)
 
-I’ve always wondered about the effects of maltodextrin on the metabolisms of middle-aged adults, so I’ve partnered with researchers at the Harvard Center for Applied Biosciences (FKA The Harvard Jeffrey Epstein Center for Human Engineering) to find out more! If you would like to volunteer, please inquire directly with HR. No diabetics.
 
-Speaking of maltodextrin, I’m not sure what I’m going to have for lunch today… I’ve made a pros and cons list for the two top choices (a Cuban sandwich and a tender osso buco):
 

CUBAN SANDWICH	TENDER OSSO BUCO
Pros:	Pros:
Meat	Tender
Pickles	Tenderer
Cheese	Tenderest
Lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise (in Key West version)	Made by personal chef
	Expensive (expensed to the company)
	White wine in cooking (for a pleasant (but not overpowering) buzz)
Cons:	Cons:
Named for filthy socialist country	Too filling?
Smells
Reminds me of the poor
Lactose?

 
Hang on… no, no, give me a second to think a little longer…
 
 
 
Huh. Still stumped.
 
In sum, welcome to the next chapter of your lives, you pliant little nobodies. Each and every one of you has a story to tell, and you will perhaps get the chance to tell it, but right now there’s just no time. Business!
 
The CEO of Crossfit, Greg Glassman, has resigned after making racist comments on Twitter and over email. Glassman said the remarks did not reflect his beliefs but were instead part of a “revolutionary” marketing campaign he thought up called “Hate Not Weight.”
 
Protestors armed with fake blood descended on Boston’s Faneuil Hall Tuesday in a push to rename the building, which currently bears the name of slave trader Peter Faneuil. Possible new monikers include “The Belichick Center,” “The Affleck Arcade,” and “Boston Is An Irredeemably Racist Shithole Hall.”
 
Anna from Sales, I see you’re back on Hinge.
 
After Pakistan declared an emergency in February over abnormally large locust swarms, China contemplated sending 100,000 ducks to its neighbor to help contain the problem. The Chinese government ultimately declined, opting instead to permanently send 100,000 Uighurs.
 
Saturn’s moon of Titan is reportedly drifting away from the planet and out into space. Donald Trump recently expressed his desire to buy the moon and bring it closer to Earth, tweeting “I know the Saturn Prime Minister- Good Guy!”
 
Jerry, you did not earn a PhD in African-American literature.
 
A $1 million fortune hidden in the Rocky Mountains by New Mexico art dealer Forrest Fenn has reportedly been found. Fenn declined to say who unearthed the treasure, only that he “needs some of it back after the divorce.”
 
Long-running reality television show “Cops” has been canceled. The Paramount Network has announced in a statement that it will replace the show in its lineup with reruns of “Friends,” “a show with no insensitive depictions of nonwhite individuals, or any depictions of nonwhite individuals at all.”
 
Princeton University’s sociology department has announced that it will not accept any new applications in 2020 in order to better assist current students with the challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic. Upon hearing the news, Princeton alum Jeff Bezos announced he had reached a deal with the university to buy out the incoming freshman class so that his son will be its only student.
 
I would like to extend to all of you a personal invitation to attend our upcoming virtual Colorblind Party, in celebration of our newly colorblind world. It will take place on BlueJeans (more like just “Jeans,” am I right?) this coming Monday at 10 PM PDT (1 AM EDT Tuesday). We will be listening to Counting Crows’ hit single “Colorblind” on repeat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.
 
In a stunning video, journalist Omar Jimenez of CNN was arrested live on air while covering the Minneapolis protests in the wake of George Floyd’s death. The officers who arrested him have been offered early retirements with full pensions.
 
A new study has linked recurrent negative thoughts to dementia. “Great,” said New Yorker James Desmond of the results, “the sooner I can forget how shitty life is, the better.”
 
 
God, you’re all just… oh, man. I’m overwhelmed. What you’re going to help us build here… it’s just incredible. I think the next 100 years, everyone sitting here- you’re the leaders of the future. City, city-states is where it’s at. I think governments from all around the world, without pointing any fingers, are having a very difficult time. I think as mayors, as leaders, as CEOs, it is our responsibility to set the trend of the future, and the trend is “we” vs. “me.”
 
Namaste.
 
-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/16/19

Good afternoon defense contractors,

Apologies for the delay in sending this week’s memo- we were busy diversifying our portfolio in anticipation of the forthcoming hostilities. We’ve already made a major investment in what is sure to be the hottest commodity to come out of a full-blown US-Iran conflict: Argo 2!

Business!

Britney Spears’ manager says she may never return to her Las Vegas residency, or to any sort of performance. He has released a video urging the public to leave his client alone.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers made a cameo appearance in last Sunday’s installment of Game of Thrones. Fans were disappointed he didn’t audible out of the show’s script.

Anna from our Moldovan office, good luck in the Eurovision Semifinal tonight! I promise to “Stay” with you all night long 😉

The House Ways & Means Committee has issued subpoenas to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, instructing them to hand over Donald Trump’s tax returns by this Friday at the latest. Mnuchin and Rettig say they have already delivered the documents to the committee in an inconspicuous can labeled “MIXED NUTS.”

The US State Department has ordered all nonemergency personnel out of Iraq. The move takes the number of diplomats in the country from zero to zero.

Jerry, you are not Andrew Yang’s running mate.

According to the Social Security Administration, 11 children named “Cersei” were born in the United States in 2017. There was also one named “Harry Strickland,” but he quickly died.

In related news, three people were shot dead with a crossbow this week in Passau, Germany. The city has closed all bathrooms until further notice.

Congratulations to everyone who performed in our companywide talent show last night! Jasmine from IT, I didn’t know you could fit that many knives into your left nostril! Way to use that coke habit.

Andrew Munday, a British accountant who stole over $3 million from singer Rita Ora and other high-profile clients, has been sentenced to six years in prison. Munday is said to be seeking extradition to the United States, where Goldman Sachs has offered him the position of CFO.

The price of a single Bitcoin has climbed back up over $7,000, its highest mark this year. Experts predict it will reach $1 trillion by August.

Really looking forward to Gone with the Wind 2. That sequel is WAY overdue.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/28/18

Huddle up benchwarmers,

The Final Four is almost upon us! What an exciting (and lucrative!) NCAA Tournament it has been. To replicate the exhilarating nature of this annual event, I’ve seeded all company employees, 1 – 4,096, in a heart-stopping, no-holds-barred, 12-round “Tournament of Productivity©”! Can you believe we have a perfect multiple of 64 employees? What carefully crafted layoffs…

Some of our first-round matchups are quite intriguing- we’ve got Travis from Accounting (a 5-seed) against Mildred the executive assistant (a 1,020-seed), Ghufran from our Pakistan office (a 327-seed) vs. Ruchika from our India office (a 698-seed- that one could go nuclear!), and a possible NAIL BITER between Anna from Sales (a 512-seed) and Anna from Biz Dev (a 513-seed). Then, of course, there’s me (the overall #1-seed) going up against Jerry (who barely squeaked in as the last 1,024-seed). Each matchup will last two hours, and whoever makes the most money for the company during that time wins.

Of course, no one will be compensated.

BUSINESS.

The National Rifle Association has acknowledged that it receives foreign donations, but insists that none of that money goes to election work. “I can promise you that absolutely no foreign money goes towards influencing elections” NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch told reporters Monday. “The bulk of it goes to slandering kids.”

A dog died last week while locked in an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight. The ASPCA has filed suit against the dog’s owners for flying United.

Congratulations, ANNA, on raising almost $200,000 at your annual benefit! Don’t forget, March is National Kidney Month!!

A Texas state representative has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 every time they masturbate. As a preemptive measure, Ted Cruz has left Twitter.

Coca-Cola will experiment with selling alcoholic beverages in Japan. The company’s first offering, “Coke Happy Tricky Fun Explode!”, is a proprietary mix of sake and aspartame.

Jerry, stop intimidating mothers in the parking lot.

Ben Affleck has admitted that his giant back tattoo of a phoenix, which the actor once said was faked for a movie, is real. The tattoo represents the Affleck family’s second-worst decision after Casey.

Two travelers who met on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Cancun were caught having sex in the airplane’s lavatory. The woman has been banned from all future flights on the airline, while the man has been given several forceful high-fives.

Third floor… WATCH OUT! Fumigating!

A former professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. If elected, Lindsey Graham will return to the House, where he served from 1995 to 2003.

The New York Yankees had planned to imprint players’ faces in beer foam during the upcoming baseball season before finding out doing so would violate league rules. Instead, the team will sell anatomically correct hot dogs.

NO BETTING.

… except on me.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/15/18

Hello, consenting adults!  I’ve decided to do a little something different with this week’s memo.  I’ve been feeling slightly “out of touch” with what’s been going on in the world lately, so I’ve made an executive decision to use this communiqué to highlight the latest trend that’s been sweeping the nation…

That’s right: It’s all sexual assault, all the time.

IS THERE ANYTHING HOTTER??

BUSINESS.

Actor Ed Westwick is being investigated by the LAPD after actress Kristina Cohen accused him of sexual assault in a Facebook post.  Somehow the assault, which allegedly occurred three years ago, went unreported by Gossip Girl.

The former owner of New York City club Socialista has corroborated a Fox News reporter’s account of a 2007 encounter with Harvey Weinstein during which the producer masturbated into a potted plant.  In addition, recently uncovered emails reveal the plant was given a role in the 2017 film Tulip Fever in exchange for its silence.

Anna from HR, you’re a fucking prude.  You GO girl!

Yahoo! news reports that Russian trolls watched the Netflix series House of Cards as research for the 2016 presidential election.  “It was a pretty big task, getting a sexual predator into the White House,” said one operative, who goes by the name “Maksim.”  “We wanted to see how they did it.”

Star Trek actor George Takei has been accused of sexual assault stemming from an incident that allegedly happened in 1981.  Takei has vehemently denied the accusations, claiming that, in the 80s, he “only had eyes for Shatner.”

Jerry, no means no.

Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler has defended Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore against allegations of sexual assault involving a fourteen-year-old girl by citing the biblical example of Joseph and Mary.  “See, Joseph, he was a lot older than Mary,” Zeigler told reporters at a recent press conference.  “Whaddya mean they didn’t have sex?!”

A former Mad Men writer has accused series creator Matthew Weiner of sexual assault, alleging that he told her she “owed it to him to let him see (her) naked.”  “I thought he viewed me as a Joan,” writer Kater Gordon wrote in a statement.  “But, in that moment, I realized I was a Peggy.”

This Saturday, join us in Conference Room B for our first ever sexual assault training seminar!  We keep up with the times, even when they’re a reeeeaaaaalllllllll downer.

In an unprecedented move, Sony has decided to reshoot all of Kevin Spacey’s scenes in the upcoming film All The Money In The World in the wake of sexual assault allegations against the actor.  Spacey’s character will be played by Christopher Plummer, whom the studio has called “hopefully celibate.”

Weeks after actress Hilary Burton accused Ben Affleck of groping her in 2004, the actor has said he would like to be “part of the solution” to sexual assault in Hollywood.  Hours later, he castrated himself.

C’mon, guys- rape the environment, not people.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Sunday, 3/27/16

Good Evening,

Let me start by apologizing for the incident with the Easter Bunny we hired for yesterday’s party.  I can assure you we had no idea he was a registered sex offender, or that his costume could do that.

Otherwise, the party was a success!  Business!

A recently released video shows a worker at a Kellogg’s factory in Tennessee urinating on a batch of Rice Krispies Treats cereal.  The company is said to be “furious” that the video leaked, as it showed how the product was given its “snap” and “crackle.”

Pope Francis has joined Instagram, prompting outrage from church officials who believe he already has no filter.

Congratulations to Anna from Inventory on receiving her first communion!  Steve, thanks again for taking advantage of Bring Your Daughter to Work Day two years ago.

A new study shows that many popular brands of chocolate contain unhealthy amounts of heavy metals.  In addition to chocolate, the study found excessive toxins in chicken, water, and American politics.

Speaking of “politics,” a Breitbart reporter has accused Donald Trump’s campaign manager of grabbing and bruising her arm at a rally in Florida.  “Yeah, I did that,” the accused, Corey Lewandowski, told reporters.  “It’s called flirting.”

Jerry, Easter has never been a day of ritual sacrifice.

Actor and philanderer Ben Affleck’s infamous back tattoo of a phoenix is apparently fake.  Surprisingly, his latest film, Batman v Superman, is not.

The LA County Coroner’s Office has not ruled out reopening its six-year-old investigation into Brittany Murphy’s death.  “It appears we may no longer be…” new Chief Coroner David Caruso told reporters while slowly donning a pair of sunglasses, “clueless.”

Please join us in the tenth floor cafeteria this Tuesday night for “Easter?  I hardly know her!”, an evening of standup comedy inspired by sexual miscommunication!  Ages 4 and up, please.

California is raising its minimum wage to $15/hour.  “The more people who think they can make it in this state, the better,” Governor Jerry Brown announced on Friday, “plus, after taxes, it’s more like $3.”

For the first time, an NFL official has acknowledged the link between football and the degenerative brain condition CTE.  “Oh yeah, the evidence is there,” admitted the league’s senior vice president for health, Jeff Miller, “and it’s just another in a long line of compelling storylines that make watching our fair sport great.”

Jesus, we know you’re in there… come out with your hands up!

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/2/16

Happy Super Tuesday, Trumpophiles!  Hope you enjoyed yesterday’s zenith of xenophobia as much as I did.  I celebrated in the grand old Washingtonian tradition: campaign-expensed hookers.  Business!

The Church of Latter-day Saints has been instructing members to complete “online missionary work” by giving the Book of Mormon five stars on Amazon.com.  The initiative is part of the church’s controversial new campaign, “Amazon is the new the Amazon!”

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Jennifer Garner calls Ben Affleck “the love of my life.”  In a companion interview, Affleck calls Garner “the love of my life’s former boss.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from Maintenance on 25 years at the company!  That woman sure knows how to polish a knob.

A recent UK study shows that drinking coffee may undo liver damage caused by excessive alcohol consumption.  The study has already led to the deaths of three Bank of America first year analysts, with a fourth in critical condition.

Rapper T.I. has apologized after a radio interview in which he said he could not vote for a woman to be president because women make “rash” decisions.  He later clarified that he meant he would not vote for a woman to be president because several women have given him rashes, in the form of permanent and untreatable sexually transmitted diseases.

Jerry, your grandmother was not “the original Bernie Sanders.”

An Ohio man who fatally shot his roommate and ate part of his brain is up for parole.  His parole is expected to be denied at the present time, but granted next year in Donald Trump’s America! ©

Norwegian teenager Alexandra Andresen has become the world’s youngest billionaire, with a net worth of $1.2 billion.  In a related story, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was seen wandering the streets of Burlington, Vermont late Tuesday night, quietly muttering to himself, “I thought it was a socialist utopia.”

In case you missed it, February was Black History Month!  I know I did.

In the hopes of evening out attendance numbers, Disneyland is introducing surge pricing.  “This is just one more thing we have in common with Uber,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said in a statement, “another company known for its Mickey Mouse practices and arbitrarily high prices.”

Much like last year’s viral phenomenon “the dress,” an Adidas jacket has caused mass disagreement over its color in a picture posted on the blogging site Tumblr.  “I don’t know what you see,” presidential candidate Donald Trump weighed in, “but I see a Muslim Mexican illegal raping an American manufacturing job.”

Aaaaaaaaaaand the polls are officially closed!  Get out of here, minorities!

-The Chairman