Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/23/20

Good Afternoon,

What a dream… four million coronavirus cases! We’re churning out tests as fast as we can for about $10 a pop, and at an average cost to each patient of about $100, we’re estimating an extra $38 billion in revenue once everyone in the country contracts the virus!

At this rate, we’re projecting that to happen around October 1st.

Business!

Prince Andrew’s daughter Princess Beatrice was married last week in a very private ceremony. The couple declined to invite a flower girl.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has revealed that she is being treated for a recurrence of cancer. “The only thing that can save me,” Ginsburg told reporters recently, “is some very woke memes.”

Anna from our Orlando office, glad to see you’re back at work as Princess Jasmine! Somehow even sexier in that mask…

An astounding new conspiracy theory posits that online furniture retailer Wayfair has been trafficking children using listings for high-priced industrial cabinets that share the first names of some children who have, at one point or another, gone missing. If anyone has any further knowledge regarding this matter, please unscramble the decoded message in this sentence (hint: cranberry boysenberry pip pop stew) and contact the email address therein immediately.

In the wake of the Washington Professional Football Team’s long overdue decision to change its name, the Edmonton Eskimos of the Canadian Football League have decided to follow suit. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has since announced he will step down as the team’s mascot.

Jerry, your second quarter review was not a “cognitive test.”

Hulu is in the process of adapting the book Rodham, an alternate history about former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, into a streaming series. The show will depict the journey of a young Hillary Rodham through a post-WWII America divided between the victorious Axis powers as she searches for a mysterious figure known as “The Man In The High Castle.”

Italian police recently intercepted a shipment of coffee beans from Colombia that had been hollowed out and filled with cocaine. Italian coffee company Lavazza is said to be “furious” about the government’s intervention, alleging it exposed the trade secrets behind its immensely popular ¡Tierra! blend.

When our onsite daycare reopens, we will no longer be playing “good cop, bad cop” with children. Instead, ONLY when necessary, we will be engaging in “community psychological counselor, murderer.”

Amazon has purchased the naming rights to the new hockey venue where the NHL expansion Seattle Kraken will play with plans to call it “Climate Pledge Arena.” The company is encouraging customers to begin saving the boxes in which they receive Amazon packages to be used for the stadium’s retractable roof.

Serial pedophile and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly married, and her husband is rumored to be Scott Borgerson, the CEO of “maritime innovation company” CargoMetrics. Borgerson has been unavailable for comment, but his lawyer has released a statement reading, “Scott has no idea what has been shipped in the countless containers that he has made exponentially more efficient over the years, only that his single biggest client has been Wayfair.”

Did I mention that most people get tested more than once?

And don’t even get me STARTED on schools…

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 6/12/20

Hello New Employees,
 
Welcome! We are so happy you have chosen to join the company. I would like to take a moment to welcome each and every one of you personally, but as I do not have time to do so this memo will suffice. You should all consider yourselves lucky to have a job! As economies slowly reopen around the world, there are still countless qualified individuals like yourselves who did not find minimum-wage employment like that to which you have agreed for a minimum (but not limited) term of two (2) years. You are all special, and you were not only hired because your meager salaries were fully guaranteed as part of a deal we struck last month with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. No, no- it is because you each bring a unique set of skills to the company, skills which I would enumerate if only I had time. You see, even maintaining a business during such a time of unprecedented economic and social upheaval is difficult, let alone growing it at the rate we currently are, which is astronomical. Eat your heart out, Zoom! And you- you are all now a part of that astronomical growth. In time, you may even share in the profits, provided you prove yourself useful and recruit at least five investors to our new multi-level-marketing arm, Koolest Kosmetics! You should have received the appropriate information on this exciting new venture in your digital welcome packets. I wish I had time to revisit it here, and to explain why each and every one of you (whom I handpicked to become part of our #fabulous #team) is uniquely qualified to help it grow, but I simply do not. Now, some very important announcements:
 
-We just signed a new deal with Maxwell House to test their newest coffee flavors at our offices! Available flavors are:
         -Black Raspberry
         -Ruby Red Grapefruit
         -Blue Blueberry
         -Green Banana
         -Black (Lives Matter) Cherry (.0000000002% of proceeds will go directly to providing discount coffee to underprivileged youths in as yet undisclosed urban areas)
 
-I’ve always wondered about the effects of maltodextrin on the metabolisms of middle-aged adults, so I’ve partnered with researchers at the Harvard Center for Applied Biosciences (FKA The Harvard Jeffrey Epstein Center for Human Engineering) to find out more! If you would like to volunteer, please inquire directly with HR. No diabetics.
 
-Speaking of maltodextrin, I’m not sure what I’m going to have for lunch today… I’ve made a pros and cons list for the two top choices (a Cuban sandwich and a tender osso buco):
 

CUBAN SANDWICH	TENDER OSSO BUCO
Pros:	Pros:
Meat	Tender
Pickles	Tenderer
Cheese	Tenderest
Lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise (in Key West version)	Made by personal chef
	Expensive (expensed to the company)
	White wine in cooking (for a pleasant (but not overpowering) buzz)
Cons:	Cons:
Named for filthy socialist country	Too filling?
Smells
Reminds me of the poor
Lactose?

 
Hang on… no, no, give me a second to think a little longer…
 
 
 
Huh. Still stumped.
 
In sum, welcome to the next chapter of your lives, you pliant little nobodies. Each and every one of you has a story to tell, and you will perhaps get the chance to tell it, but right now there’s just no time. Business!
 
The CEO of Crossfit, Greg Glassman, has resigned after making racist comments on Twitter and over email. Glassman said the remarks did not reflect his beliefs but were instead part of a “revolutionary” marketing campaign he thought up called “Hate Not Weight.”
 
Protestors armed with fake blood descended on Boston’s Faneuil Hall Tuesday in a push to rename the building, which currently bears the name of slave trader Peter Faneuil. Possible new monikers include “The Belichick Center,” “The Affleck Arcade,” and “Boston Is An Irredeemably Racist Shithole Hall.”
 
Anna from Sales, I see you’re back on Hinge.
 
After Pakistan declared an emergency in February over abnormally large locust swarms, China contemplated sending 100,000 ducks to its neighbor to help contain the problem. The Chinese government ultimately declined, opting instead to permanently send 100,000 Uighurs.
 
Saturn’s moon of Titan is reportedly drifting away from the planet and out into space. Donald Trump recently expressed his desire to buy the moon and bring it closer to Earth, tweeting “I know the Saturn Prime Minister- Good Guy!”
 
Jerry, you did not earn a PhD in African-American literature.
 
A $1 million fortune hidden in the Rocky Mountains by New Mexico art dealer Forrest Fenn has reportedly been found. Fenn declined to say who unearthed the treasure, only that he “needs some of it back after the divorce.”
 
Long-running reality television show “Cops” has been canceled. The Paramount Network has announced in a statement that it will replace the show in its lineup with reruns of “Friends,” “a show with no insensitive depictions of nonwhite individuals, or any depictions of nonwhite individuals at all.”
 
Princeton University’s sociology department has announced that it will not accept any new applications in 2020 in order to better assist current students with the challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic. Upon hearing the news, Princeton alum Jeff Bezos announced he had reached a deal with the university to buy out the incoming freshman class so that his son will be its only student.
 
I would like to extend to all of you a personal invitation to attend our upcoming virtual Colorblind Party, in celebration of our newly colorblind world. It will take place on BlueJeans (more like just “Jeans,” am I right?) this coming Monday at 10 PM PDT (1 AM EDT Tuesday). We will be listening to Counting Crows’ hit single “Colorblind” on repeat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.
 
In a stunning video, journalist Omar Jimenez of CNN was arrested live on air while covering the Minneapolis protests in the wake of George Floyd’s death. The officers who arrested him have been offered early retirements with full pensions.
 
A new study has linked recurrent negative thoughts to dementia. “Great,” said New Yorker James Desmond of the results, “the sooner I can forget how shitty life is, the better.”
 
 
God, you’re all just… oh, man. I’m overwhelmed. What you’re going to help us build here… it’s just incredible. I think the next 100 years, everyone sitting here- you’re the leaders of the future. City, city-states is where it’s at. I think governments from all around the world, without pointing any fingers, are having a very difficult time. I think as mayors, as leaders, as CEOs, it is our responsibility to set the trend of the future, and the trend is “we” vs. “me.”
 
Namaste.
 
-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 9/2/16

Can you serfs believe it’s already SEPTEMBER??  I mean, where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was making my first million selling frozen concentrated orange juice futures, and now I own a man-made island the size of Turkey.  Anybody who says America isn’t the greatest country on Earth can just HAVE a SEAT.

BUSINESS.

UN health officials are concerned that common STD gonorrhea is becoming untreatable.  As a result, certain sections of Queens, NY have been closed to the public.

A printing error in an early edition Harry Potter book may be worth thousands of dollars, making it the costliest typo since a 2003 White House memo killed 1,500 Iraqi civilians.

Man, Anna from the cafeteria has got a butt.  And she’ll be cooking it up all week special just for us!  Pork butt from our company farm in Mexico.  That’s Mexico, New York, of course.  Crooked Hillary!

Speaking of Mexico (the country), authorities there have discovered a tunnel that leads from the Mexican state of Sonora to the American state of Arizona.  The Arizona side of the tunnel is reportedly unfinished, however, due to lack of Mexican labor.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko recently told CNN he believes Russian President Vladmir Putin wants to take over all of Ukraine.  When informed of the comments, Putin replied, “I think he means Russia.”

Jerry, it’s pronounced “SHE-eye-t.”

Singer and convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown is facing up to 14 years in prison after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun.  “I don’t think Chris hates women,” Brown’s friend Ray J said when asked about the incident, “I just think he gets mad at how they react to his microscopic penis.”

On his final trip to China as President of the United States, Barack Obama plans to ask the Asian nation to practice “restraint” in future international dealings.  When asked how he will phrase the request, Obama replied, “Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty pretty please?  C’mon, guys- please?  Don’t hurt us- we’ll do whatever you want.”

Ever wondered where coffee comes from?  If so, check out our upcoming seminar, “Get Down with that Brown,” this Sunday at 8 AM in Conference Room B.  Hint: It’s a bean!

Niantic, the company behind Pokémon Go, has threatened to ban for life those who cheat at the game using tactics such as GPS manipulation and bots.  In related news, several thousand parents of middle schoolers have recently learned how to manipulate GPS signals and install bots.

Four survivors of the deadly 2012 movie theater shooting in Aurora, CO have been ordered to pay almost $700,000 to Cinemark, the owner of the theater in which the shooting occurred, after a failed suit against the company.  Rather than pay the exorbitant sum, the four have reportedly killed themselves.

Friendly reminder that this coming Monday is Labor Day!  Or, as I like to call it, “Monday.”  What better way to celebrate than with labor?!

-The Chairman