As last week was spent prepping for, feeding answers to Hillary during, and ultimately manipulating media coverage after the last debate, I was unable to communicate with you “individuals” who will bear the brunt of this glorious “election” to come. My “sincerest” apologies. Just know that everything I did last week was in service of your futures. If they’re bleak, you have me to blame. If they’re just what you wanted, you have me to thank. And if they’re both, everything is going according to plan. Business!
A leading American psychosis expert has advised only using marijuana after the age of 30 to avoid possible mental health issues. The suggestion is currently irrelevant because, as Fox News has reported, everyone under 30 was given a cannabis injection at birth as part of the War on Christmas.
A 2013 Facebook photo of comedian Bill Murray has the Internet in a frenzy, as many believe it is actually a picture of Tom Hanks. “People like it because it’s the ultimate thought experiment,” University of Chicago sociology professor Dr. Peter Musselman said of the photo. “They’re forced to ask themselves: is this the stupidest fucking thing in human history?”
Anna from IT, your body positivity is contagious! Errybody in the office gettin’ fat!
An activist dressed as a city construction worker has destroyed Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The man, Jamie Otis, told reporters he really took to heart Michelle Obama’s words from the Democratic National Convention: “When they go low, we pick up a sledgehammer.”
Starbucks is introducing almond milk at a number of its US locations. The socially and environmentally conscious company has assured consumers it will only use milk from grass-fed almonds free of the controversial recombinant almond growth hormone.
Jerry, there are no “absentee ballots” for the weekly meeting.
Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has come out as gay. As a result, several thousand of the network’s viewers now believe they have AIDS.
Serial subject Adnan Syed’s lawyers have filed a motion to have him released on bail. If the motion succeeds, Syed will be allowed to go free provided he stays at least 500 feet from any Best Buy parking lot.
FYI- the China office has requested that we not update our iPhones to the latest iOS yet. They also don’t want us changing any of our passwords until further notice.
Due to plate tectonics, Australia has shifted almost five feet in the past 20 years. The change has not had much of an impact on the country, as most of its citizens have been too drunk to notice.
At the White House’s recent South by South Lawn festival of ideas, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to go to Mars. “I did it for the good of humanity,” DiCaprio told assembled reporters, “and, someday, I’d like to fuck the moon.”