Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/27/16

As last week was spent prepping for, feeding answers to Hillary during, and ultimately manipulating media coverage after the last debate, I was unable to communicate with you “individuals” who will bear the brunt of this glorious “election” to come.  My “sincerest” apologies.  Just know that everything I did last week was in service of your futures.  If they’re bleak, you have me to blame.  If they’re just what you wanted, you have me to thank.  And if they’re both, everything is going according to plan.  Business!

A leading American psychosis expert has advised only using marijuana after the age of 30 to avoid possible mental health issues.  The suggestion is currently irrelevant because, as Fox News has reported, everyone under 30 was given a cannabis injection at birth as part of the War on Christmas.

A 2013 Facebook photo of comedian Bill Murray has the Internet in a frenzy, as many believe it is actually a picture of Tom Hanks.  “People like it because it’s the ultimate thought experiment,” University of Chicago sociology professor Dr. Peter Musselman said of the photo.  “They’re forced to ask themselves: is this the stupidest fucking thing in human history?”

Anna from IT, your body positivity is contagious!  Errybody in the office gettin’ fat!

An activist dressed as a city construction worker has destroyed Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  The man, Jamie Otis, told reporters he really took to heart Michelle Obama’s words from the Democratic National Convention: “When they go low, we pick up a sledgehammer.”

Starbucks is introducing almond milk at a number of its US locations.  The socially and environmentally conscious company has assured consumers it will only use milk from grass-fed almonds free of the controversial recombinant almond growth hormone.

Jerry, there are no “absentee ballots” for the weekly meeting.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has come out as gay.  As a result, several thousand of the network’s viewers now believe they have AIDS.

Serial subject Adnan Syed’s lawyers have filed a motion to have him released on bail.  If the motion succeeds, Syed will be allowed to go free provided he stays at least 500 feet from any Best Buy parking lot.

FYI- the China office has requested that we not update our iPhones to the latest iOS yet.  They also don’t want us changing any of our passwords until further notice.

Due to plate tectonics, Australia has shifted almost five feet in the past 20 years.  The change has not had much of an impact on the country, as most of its citizens have been too drunk to notice.

At the White House’s recent South by South Lawn festival of ideas, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to go to Mars.  “I did it for the good of humanity,” DiCaprio told assembled reporters, “and, someday, I’d like to fuck the moon.”

No, no, Lou, it’s not the Mormon mafia, it’s the Jewish mafia… Jesus Christ, get Chuck Todd back in here!

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 10/14/16

Loyal minions, oh so much has happened since our last correspondence.  Tapes were leaked, pussies were grabbed, and America finally came to terms with the fact that it is an unrepentantly sexist gloryhole that can only be reborn in fire.

I’ll light the first match!  BUSINESS.

British insurance company More Than has commissioned artist Dominic Wilcox to create the first-ever contemporary art exhibition for dogs.  The installation has caused much consternation in the British academy, as many critics have deemed it, dismissively, “pup art.”

Last month, Russian hackers infiltrated the World Anti-Doping Agency database and published medical records for Olympic athletes such as Simone Biles and Venus and Serena Williams.  After the WADA attack and a similar one on the Democratic National Committee, the only thing Russian hackers still haven’t been able to get into is a vagina.

Let’s all welcome Anna from HR back from her long, productive stint in rehab!  Sometimes to truly understand the rules, you have to break them repeatedly.

Reddit users have discovered that Internet sensation Ken Bone, who gained fame for asking a question about energy policy at the second presidential debate, admitted on the site to committing insurance fraud and believing the shooting of Trayvon Martin was justified.  User Rand0mzz281 expressed frustration with Bone on the subreddit r/SexWithDeadDogs, stating “Yo, this dude is sic.”  He later added, “dat sweater doe.”

The most expensive flight in the world is now Etihad Airlines first-class trip from New York City to Mumbai, India, checking in at $38,000 one-way.  Of course, the fare is only available to Kshatriyas and above.

Jerry, it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.

For the first time in recorded history, atmospheric carbon levels have reached 400 parts per million at their annual minimum, a measurement that some scientists are calling the planet’s “point of no return.”  Director Michael Bay has already optioned a film with that title, starring Scarlett Johansson as sexy scientist May Bescrewed and Vin Diesel as carbon.

On the heels of her husband’s recently leaked comments regarding women’s genitalia, Melania Trump wore a “pussy-bow” shirt to the second presidential debate.  The act represents the only moment of genuine self-awareness in the entire 2016 campaign.

Whatever you do, don’t read this!  Or this!

Russian state television cut a recent weather report during which it referenced a possible nuclear attack on America.  “We’re very sorry,” a network executive said in a statement, “for tipping our hand.”

A new study suggests that human beings may only be able to live to 115 years old.  This comes as a relief to many millennials, who can now target 2035 as the year they no longer have to hear about “The Greatest Generation.”

…

Smell that?

That’s Bill Cosby.  He was the first to go.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Tuesday, 10/4/16

Who’s excited for tonight’s VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE???

Don’t all jump at once.

Well, at least we have THE BUSINESS.

North Korea has banned sarcasm.  It’ll totally work.

Brad Pitt, recently separated from wife Angelina Jolie, is reportedly being investigated for child abuse.  Pitt contends his children watched Babel of their own accord.

Anna from Payroll wins again!  Nobody else could name more than four continents?  Really?

Canada has announced that all of its national parks will be fee free for the entirety of 2017.  Many Americans have expressed surprise that there ever were fees, as Canadians have historically been far too polite to collect them.

In his new autobiography, Hall of Famer Steve Young says that a referee once gave him a favorable call because he wanted the quarterback to go out with his daughter.  “I told him, ‘I appreciate it, sir, but I usually try to avoid the sack.’”  Young writes.  “But seriously, I’m Mormon and sex is a disgusting sin like coffee.”

Jerry, the foreman of the jury does not get two votes.

Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin Lord Ivar Mountbatten has become the first member of the British Royal Family to come out as gay.  “I’m finally ready to say it:” Mountbatten wrote in a statement, “from time to time, I do like to engage in a bit of hibbity-pibbity.”

Furniture company Taybles is currently offering a $2,300 coffee table shaped like a cassette tape.  Those who sign up for the accompanying subscription plan will be sent a new CD-shaped table in 10 years, then no tables ever again.

Don’t forget that this Thursday is photo day!  This year’s theme is Hieronymus Bosch.

A Swedish court has ordered one of the country’s colleges to refund an American student’s tuition after giving her a “useless” degree.  The student, who is planning on enrolling in an American university, is retaining counsel.

Eighteen-year-old Australian pilot Lachlan Smart has become the youngest person to fly around the world in a single engine plane, completing the journey in eight weeks.  Since completing the feat, Smart has resumed his life as a wealthy young man with nothing but time.

I hope Tim Kaine “hablas español” at the debate tonight… I know how the “chicas” !!love that¡¡

-The Chairman