I hope you all survived a week of no correspondence due to our office renovations. I can assure you the Internet is now back up and running and we’ve upgraded to a new fleet of CISCO® 891W-AGN-A-K9 Gigabit Ethernet Wireless Security Routers. I’m as giddy as a little schoolgirl! It’s like Christmas come early! I have to change my pants! BUSINESS!!
Authorities in Belize have apprehended a suspect in the largest gold heist in Florida history. Alleged thief Raonel Valdez-Valhuerdis is said to be disappointed he was caught, but thrilled to have escaped Florida.
Solange Knowles recent elevator attack on her sister’s husband, Jay-Z, reportedly stemmed from the rapper’s association with fashion designer Rachel Roy. Jay-Z has since released a statement acknowledging that he now has 101 problems.
Let’s all gather for cupcakes in the cafeteria today as our little journalist Anna from operations goes off to Syria to document the horrors of war! We’re gonna miss you, sweetheart, but you’ll always have a home here if and when you get Hepatitis A!
Former NFL safety Tyler Sash was arrested last week after leading police on a drunken scooter chase. Or, as the NFL calls it, “Something wholly unrelated to the former player’s health and well being and certainly not having anything to do with concussions.”
Ryan Gosling caused an Internet stir recently by wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin. It is unclear as of yet what the pair is selling.
Jerry, have you ever even seen Schindler’s List?
Oregon State has fired men’s basketball coach Craig Robinson. Much like his brother-in-law, President Barack Obama, Robinson served since 2008 and had only one winning season.
Golfer Rory McIlroy has called off his engagement to tennis player Caroline Wozniacki. The two reportedly remain European.
This is a friendly reminder that the company day care is for employees only. And for children only. And for humans only. And it is not a restroom. Thank you.
An underwater explorer claims he has found the remains of Christopher Columbus’ ship the Santa Maria. “The ship is in extremely good condition,” says explorer Barry Clifford, “it looks like she could still wipe out an entire native population today.”
Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin recently revealed that he writes the hit series on a DOS computer with no Internet connection. “It keeps things pure,” said Martin. “All the porn is on the page.”
GET BACK TO WORK.