Internal Memo for Friday, 5/23/14

Good Afternoon,
 
I hope you all survived a week of no correspondence due to our office renovations.  I can assure you the Internet is now back up and running and we’ve upgraded to a new fleet of CISCO® 891W-AGN-A-K9 Gigabit Ethernet Wireless Security Routers.  I’m as giddy as a little schoolgirl!  It’s like Christmas come early!  I have to change my pants!  BUSINESS!!

Authorities in Belize have apprehended a suspect in the largest gold heist in Florida history.  Alleged thief Raonel Valdez-Valhuerdis is said to be disappointed he was caught, but thrilled to have escaped Florida.

Solange Knowles recent elevator attack on her sister’s husband, Jay-Z, reportedly stemmed from the rapper’s association with fashion designer Rachel Roy.  Jay-Z has since released a statement acknowledging that he now has 101 problems.
 
Let’s all gather for cupcakes in the cafeteria today as our little journalist Anna from operations goes off to Syria to document the horrors of war!  We’re gonna miss you, sweetheart, but you’ll always have a home here if and when you get Hepatitis A!
 
Former NFL safety Tyler Sash was arrested last week after leading police on a drunken scooter chase.  Or, as the NFL calls it, “Something wholly unrelated to the former player’s health and well being and certainly not having anything to do with concussions.”
 
Ryan Gosling caused an Internet stir recently by wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin.  It is unclear as of yet what the pair is selling.

Jerry, have you ever even seen Schindler’s List?

Oregon State has fired men’s basketball coach Craig Robinson.  Much like his brother-in-law, President Barack Obama, Robinson served since 2008 and had only one winning season.

Golfer Rory McIlroy has called off his engagement to tennis player Caroline Wozniacki.  The two reportedly remain European.

This is a friendly reminder that the company day care is for employees only.  And for children only.  And for humans only.  And it is not a restroom.  Thank you.

An underwater explorer claims he has found the remains of Christopher Columbus’ ship the Santa Maria.  “The ship is in extremely good condition,” says explorer Barry Clifford, “it looks like she could still wipe out an entire native population today.”

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin recently revealed that he writes the hit series on a DOS computer with no Internet connection.  “It keeps things pure,” said Martin.  “All the porn is on the page.”

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

GET BACK TO WORK.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/8/14

Whew… back on schedule.  And just in time!  With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select… BUSINESS.

Controversial photos emerged this week of 13 year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless actor Moises Arias.  Arias, 20, is probably a pedophile.

Actor Mekhi Phifer has filed for bankruptcy, proving once and for all that man these goddamn food stamps don’t buy diapers, and, in the end, there’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer.

With the second pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select… Anna from legal, running back, University of Cincinnati.  Anna has solid hip swivel and above-average elusiveness.  Trust me, I would know.

An Australian man has been charged with disorderly behavior and resisting police after getting so drunk on his wedding day that the minister called off the ceremony.  Jacob Francis Brookes, 41, says he plans to fight the charges and, if necessary, the judge.

Center Andrew Bynum has left the Indiana Pacers.  The team wishes him well in his quest to ever give a shit about anything at all.

With the third pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select… Tim from the mailroom, quarterback, Florida.  Tim had a brief stint in the NFL before working in our mailroom.  He has worked his way back into the draft thanks to his faith and an obscure loophole in the league’s collective bargaining agreement.

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico on Thursday, damaging buildings and delaying cocaine shipments to the United States by 2-3 hours.

A sunken ship off the coast of South Carolina could hold as much as $1 billion in gold.  No word on whether or not the clipper’s owner intends to sell.
 
With the fourth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select… Michael Sam, defensive end, Missouri.
 
A West Virginia woman has found a kidney donor on Craigslist.  Herself.

A new book quotes Michael Jordan as saying that he once considered himself a racist.  Disgraced Clippers owner Donald Sterling has since released a statement reading, “SEE?  SEE????”

Well, Jerry… there’s always next year.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/3/14

Good afternoon,

You may have noticed that you did not receive a memo last week.  This was due to an important investigation regarding a private conversation that was recorded without my knowledge and leaked to several popular gossip websites.  That investigation is now ended, and I have established the following:

That was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not my voice on that recording.  I have always considered myself a great friend to the people of Liechtenstein in every capacity, and I consider all mankind my brethren.  Now that this matter is concluded, I will continue my governance over and ownership of this company in the spirit of justice, fairness, and equality.  Onto the business.

Netflix is raising prices for new customers.  Experts say the company is struggling to make back the millions it spent acquiring the rights to Pootie Tang and Megashark vs Crocosaurus.

A 400-pound cake made to celebrate the 100^th anniversary of Chicago’s Wrigley Field was thrown in garbage after one day of display.  It will soon be joined by the next 100 seasons of Cubs baseball.

“Tell me more about that belt sander!”  That’s what you’ll be saying when you take Anna from development’s new Coursera course, “Finding Your Inner Tool.”  She went to Brandeis!

According to a report in the newspaper China Daily, almost 10,000 Chinese marriages end in divorce every day.  “We were constantly fighting,” said Zhang Tao, one of those recently divorced.  “She wanted more than one child, and I wanted more than one child.”

Milwaukee Brewers shortstop Jean Segura missed several games this week after his teammate, admitted steroid cheat Ryan Braun, accidentally hit him in the face with a bat while warming up.  “See, I’m clean,” said Braun.  “Last year, I woulda taken his head right off.”

62 New Jersey high school students have been arrested after trashing their high school by peeing in hallways and flipping over desks.  Or, as the rest of the state calls it, “remodeling.”

Yes, Jerry, we get it: You’re a Clippers fan now.

Teenagers from around the globe are tweeting bomb threats at American Airlines after a Dutch teen was arrested for doing so two weeks ago.  “Whatever, like anybody could ever get a bomb on a plane,” said Twitter user @StArBellA666, 14.  “Airport security has always been, like, ridiculous.”

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston has been cited for shoplifting crab legs from a Tallahassee supermarket.  “I regret this incident,” Winston said in a statement.  “When I see legs just sitting there, exposed… I do some crazy things.”

Can anybody work this damn copier?

Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl-winning quarterback Russell Wilson has filed for divorce.  “There’s only room for one ring on these fingers,” Wilson told reporters, “and also I wanna fuck some groupies.”

In the wake of the Donald Sterling scandal, which bears NO resemblance at all to the recent incident involving yours truly, NBA great Larry Johnson has called for an all-black basketball league.  “We need to punish this 80 year-old white man by forcing all of the 20 year-old white men out of our league,” Johnson said in a statement.  “All five of them.”

My girlfriend is half Lietchtensteinian.

-The Chairman