Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/29/19

Happy Memorial Day, ungrateful millennials! How did you celebrate? I marked the occasion by spitting on the graves of several prominent veterans, then exhuming the body of another and defecating in its mouth.

Business!

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper, made with the meat-free Impossible Burger, will be available nationwide by the end of this year. It is expected to compete directly with McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which also contain no meat.

Since he has been in office, Donald Trump has spent $102 million of taxpayer money on extra travel, much of it to his corporation’s properties. The figure has riled even some conservative groups, who contend Hillary Clinton only would have spent about $100 million on covering up the multiple murders ordered by her and her husband.

Anna from Marketing, love the new hair color! I didn’t know it was safe to dye down there.

Teresa May was forced to step down as Britain’s prime minister last week after failing to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union. May said she was proud of her tumultuous tenure, believing it would bring about “peace in our time.”

Actor Kit Harington, who plays Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, reportedly checked himself into rehab to deal with the show’s conclusion. Following the final episode, he was joined by several thousand of the show’s devoted fans.

Jerry, that’s not the plot of Gorillas in the Mist.

A baby weighing just 8.6 ounces when she was born in a San Diego hospital several months ago has officially been released, making her the smallest surviving baby on record. The child’s parents remain worried about her future, as their insurance only covers babies born heavier than four pounds.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, Disneyland’s latest expansion, is set to open this Friday. According to leaked documents, the attraction will feature everyone’s favorite characters from the Star Wars universe, including Styron Dispassionate, Arkham Stan, and the notorious Corellian bounty hunter Wiernot Eventrying.

REMINDER: In the event of an evacuation, do not use the stairs. They haven’t been renovated in years and are NOT up to code.

In an extraordinary move, Robert Mueller held a press conference today to highlight some of the findings from his team’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. “The Bears are who we thought they were,” Mueller said in the course of his profane and wide-ranging remarks, “and we let ’em off the hook.”

For the first time in the country’s history, Israel’s parliament has voted to dissolve and hold new elections after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was unable to form a coalition government. “We will survive this,” Israeli MP Amir Peretz told reporters Monday, “And then talk about how we did for the next 2,000 years.”

Repeat after me:

YOU DON’T

WIN WARS

WITH AVOCADO TOAST.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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KavaYES – Wednesday, 9/19/18

OH.

MY.

FRIENDS.

WAIT.

YOU’RE NOT MY FRIENDS.

YOU.

ARE MY EMPLOYEES.

AND I.

LOVE.

AND BY LOVE I MEAN TOLERATE.

YOU.

You know that song? “It’s been a cruel, cruel summer”? Well never was that song more true than right here in the year of our lord 2018. Not for me, of course – I made a record $296 million in total compensation along the length and breadth of all my companies – but for my dear, dear friend, and your friend too…

… the honorable justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Now wait, wait, wait – before you all jump down my throat for being “anti-choice” or “misogynistic” or “a fuccboi,” hear me out.

Brett Kavanaugh sucks.

He does! He sucks! I’ve known the guy since we were in diapers and he always be tryin to rape!  I mean, his name is Brett for god’s sake. Is there a name that more loudly screams STRAIGHT WHITE DOUCHE than BRETT???!?!!!

But here, gentle weaklings, is where you and I differ. Greatly. And not just monetarily. Here is where I – educated, landowning kingmaker – and you – impotent, necessarily stupid vassal – prove why I have risen to my lofty station and the highlight of your week is masturbating to the voice of Jon Lovett.

I know who Brett Kavanaugh is. I know what he allegedly* did. And guess what?

I love it.

That’s right. Not the act itself, mind you- I find that reprehensible, I’ve donated to several prominent charities, I’ve listened to Kanye’s song about his daughter, blah blah blah. But the intention? Oh, the sweet, sweet intention…

Presuming you’ve made it this far, and thus can read, I urge you to Google “The Supreme Court.” Keep scrolling, past the pages and pages of material on the homonymous German electro-industrial band, and you’ll find a little-known American judicial institution that’s been home to notorious racistsanti-Semites and, worst of all, straight white men.

Now that you’re back from rage-puking all of your quinoa, click on any old story concerning The Nation’s Highest Court©. I guarantee that, no matter which you choose, you’ll find something you don’t want to see: the law. As Jack Nicholson would say, “You can’t handle the law**!” That’s because the law hurts. The law is evil. And the law doesn’t care if you’re gay or straight, black or white, gay or straight or black or white. All it knows is how to make itself heard. And the way it makes itself heard… is by swingin its dick.

What I’m trying to say, and what is the Chekhovian subtext of any article about the Supreme Court, is that it’s a veritable cadre of big ole dick swingers. Samuel Alito? Dick swinger. Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Dick swinger. Clarence Thomas? Literal dick swinger. In fact, the only historical exception was John Paul Stevens. May he, and his bowtie, rest in peace.

Say, hypothetically, you were allowed to address me directly without being fired. I know, I know, it’s a stretch, but bear with me. In this unrealistic scenario, let’s say you even more unrealistically dared to ask me a personal question. And let’s say that question was, “What do you look for in a Supreme Court Justice?”

I would respond as any red-blooded, Jordan Peterson-reading American and/or Canadian would: “I look for an attempted rapist.”

Face it: The act of deciding on the constitutionality (or lack thereof) of certain laws necessitates a certain je ne sais quois***. It requires a certain sense of “Fuck it, I know what’s best, not only for me but for other people, be they fellow US citizens or prudish teenage girls who need to just lighten up and fuck me already.”

You think Sonia Sotomayor doesn’t have skeletons in her closet? Aside from very probably being an illegal immigrant (hello – “Sotomayor”????), I have it on good authority she once entered the body of a Catholic priest and violated several young boys. And then did it again, and again, and again, resulting in the crisis we are dealing with now. Absolutely disgusting. But is anybody reporting it? Only our generation’s Cronkite, and he just got banned from Twitter.

My (very obvious) point in all this is, if you wanna rescind a few laws regarding reproductive freedom, you’ve gotta break a few eggs. Uterine eggs. The kind of eggs that were (and are) only good for birthing upright, morally unterpitudinous, thoroughly masculine men like Brett Kavanaugh. And Les Moonves. And Kevin Spacey. Except not Kevin Spacey cause he’s gay, and ew.

And so, my various and sundry debt-bound servants, I urge you to follow your heart, to follow your dick, and to get out there and vote for Brett Kavanaugh for the next royal justice of God’s own Supreme Court.

Oh wait- you already did.

… nice.

-The Chairman

*I don’t know. I wasn’t there. I left that party early to fuck. Consensually. I told you, I’ve known the guy since we were in diapers ( ~ 2 years before his first attempted rape).

** truth

*** French for “disregard of rape.”

PS- The memo returns next week.

… or does it?

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/5/18

My company tiiiiis of thee
Sweet land of P-R-O-F-I-T
My boss is kiiiiiiing
Job where my fathers died
Job of my swallowed pride
Whene’er my boss decides
Money I will briiiiiiing

Happy Fifth of July, (A)Un(t)cle Sam(ette)s! Just your friendly neighborhood freedom lover over here recovering from his right to beer arms! That’s right: Beer arms! Get it?? I had ‘em!

Now, I understand that some of you are distraught from the complete and utter lack of a memo last week. AND from not receiving your usual delivery this week. Well to that I say: Let’s make it a double! From the land that brought you PB & J, Sonny & Cher, and Diamond & Silk, not to mention two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I give you: A DOUBLE MEMO.

It’s gonna be bloated, like the bureaucracy!

JUST as our forefathers intended…

BUSINESS.

Justice Anthony Kennedy has announced he will retire from the Supreme Court. During his tenure, Kennedy took part in several influential decisions that no American can name.

A new billboard in Texas tells liberals to keep driving until they’ve left the state. Several left-leaning groups have come out against the sign, saying, “We don’t need a billboard.”

Starbucks has announced that it will close 150 stores next year. Analysts say the chain is losing ground to competitors such as Dunkin Donuts, Argo Tea, and public restrooms.

Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson and pop star Ariana Grande, both 24, are engaged. The pair are said to have led “remarkably similar” lives, in that both have been short.

Anna from Nutrition, thanks for setting out those guidelines for yesterday’s barbeque! Nobody followed them!

Following a judging error at this year’s Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Major League Eating is considering moving from human to digital judges. “We just think digital judges are more reliable,” Major League Eating President Rich Shea told ESPN, “and less likely to get eaten.”

Manila, Philippines tops the latest edition of Deutsche Bank’s annual list of cheapest destinations to buy a beer, with an average of price $1.50. As a bonus, the price includes dysentery.

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has resigned. Sources say he saw a $10 bill outside his office and just bolted.

In further Pruitt news, the former Oklahoma Attorney General wrote in his resignation letter that Trump was serving because of “God’s providence.” Trump, whose staff reads all written material to him, excitedly replied, “He’s right- I have a prominent rod.”

Jerry, please stop saying the Revolutionary War was about states’ rights.

Several Los Angeles residents have been victimized by a scam involving three Russians and a Prius. I had always heard it as four Russians and a Prius, but same difference.

LeBron James is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for a second time and joining the Los Angeles Lakers. Those close to James say he wanted to finally put to rest the idea that he only cared about winning.

Explorers in Mexico have discovered that the country’s Sistema Huautla cave, one of the largest in the world, is even bigger than previously thought. Donald Trump has since vowed to send troops into the cave in the hopes of finding Hillary’s emails.

The woman who shouted “Fuck you” at Donald Trump last month has been identified as Congressional intern Caitlin Marriott. Marriott was later identified as three exceptionally gifted but starving migrant children in a trench coat.

Today is National Bikini Day! Let’s nuke those Q3 goals!!

The contestant pool on this season of The Bachelorette includes a sex offender and a conspiracy theorist. Considering the rest of the contestants, both are thought to be heavy favorites.

Delta Airlines has banned pit bulls as service dogs. The act is the result of a misunderstanding about why many Delta customers fear for their safety.

New York City saw a record 62.8 million tourists in 2017. Remarkably, not all were beloved.

A retired English teacher recently returned a letter from Donald Trump with edits. Before giving it to their boss, aides adapted the letter into a 15-minute video praising Trump for his handling of tariffs.

The memo is never late. Like freedom, it always comes right on time.

-The Chairman

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