Internal Memo for Sunday, 8/2/20

Hello Human Robot Dogs,

Had to wait a day to confirm, but I have great news! Those extra $600/week unemployment benefits have officially gone the way of the dodo. That means more potential employees for our ever-growing company! Please disseminate our hiring advertisements far and wide. We pay up to $500/week (based on a 100-hour workweek at $5/hour), with the opportunity to make up to $10/hour after 3 years! Open positions include:

Short-order cook (Houston, Texas)
Nursing home aid (Boca Raton, Florida)
Human body collector (Rocinha, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil)
Crisis actor (various)
Masseuse (my home office)
Human shield (Idlib, Syria)

Don’t work to live, LIVE (or die) to WORK.

Who says Congress doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of the American people?

Business!

High school basketball recruit R.J. Keene recently revealed his college choice by donning a logo mask. Keene, who had declined to wear a mask before making the announcement, is reportedly “very, very sick.”

NFL player Malik Jackson is suing famed body shop West Coast Customs, alleging that they misquoted him prices for work done on two vehicles. Jackson claims rapper Xzibit appeared at his house last year begging to “pimp his rides,” adding, “for free, dawg- I need this.”

Anna from HR, who invited you into the NBA bubble?

An acquaintance of Ghislaine Maxwell claims the disgraced socialite “has tapes of two prominent US politicians having sex with minors.” When asked about the report, Representative Jim Jordan said, “I refuse to believe that there is only one other pedophile in Congress with me.”

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has introduced a bill to end federal funding for any public K-12 schools that teach The New York Times Magazine’s groundbreaking “1619 Project,” which reframes United States history around slavery. “We cannot allow our children to be taught anything that is not universally and verifiably true,” Cotton said, “like the Bible.”

Jerry, John Lewis is not an anagram of JonBenét Ramsey.

Beloved television icon Regis Philbin has passed away. Donald Trump has tweeted his condolences to Larry King’s family.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt has tested positive for coronavirus. “The Supreme Court ruled that half my state is owned by fucking Indians, and I got coronavirus,” Stitt told reporters Monday. “Not a coincidence.”

I would like to take a moment to address the recent coronavirus outbreaks at several of our meat processing plants in North Carolina. I am truly, madly, deeply sorry that our robust supply chain has been disrupted. This has been a difficult, meatless time for many, not least of whom are those who have been forced to celebrate the funerals of their relatives who worked at various meat processing plants in North Carolina without the product to which the deceased devoted their lives. Thank you for your patience and understanding as we speed up the transition from human to automated labor.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has been labeled an “extremist” by the Southern Poverty Law Center. When asked to comment on the designation, Miller replied, “I am not a virgin. How could you possibly even insinuate that? I have a wife. A beautiful, human wife.”

Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams is in quarantine for 10 days after telling the NBA he was leaving the league’s Orlando bubble to attend a funeral in Atlanta, only to show up on a rapper’s Instagram story taken at the Magic City strip club. “To be clear: it was a funeral,” Williams wrote on Twitter, “for DEEZ NUTS, cause they been worked to DEATH.”

Oh, and I’m also hiring a food taster. When the revolution comes, you’ll be killing one of your own!

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/23/20

Good Afternoon,

What a dream… four million coronavirus cases! We’re churning out tests as fast as we can for about $10 a pop, and at an average cost to each patient of about $100, we’re estimating an extra $38 billion in revenue once everyone in the country contracts the virus!

At this rate, we’re projecting that to happen around October 1st.

Business!

Prince Andrew’s daughter Princess Beatrice was married last week in a very private ceremony. The couple declined to invite a flower girl.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has revealed that she is being treated for a recurrence of cancer. “The only thing that can save me,” Ginsburg told reporters recently, “is some very woke memes.”

Anna from our Orlando office, glad to see you’re back at work as Princess Jasmine! Somehow even sexier in that mask…

An astounding new conspiracy theory posits that online furniture retailer Wayfair has been trafficking children using listings for high-priced industrial cabinets that share the first names of some children who have, at one point or another, gone missing. If anyone has any further knowledge regarding this matter, please unscramble the decoded message in this sentence (hint: cranberry boysenberry pip pop stew) and contact the email address therein immediately.

In the wake of the Washington Professional Football Team’s long overdue decision to change its name, the Edmonton Eskimos of the Canadian Football League have decided to follow suit. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has since announced he will step down as the team’s mascot.

Jerry, your second quarter review was not a “cognitive test.”

Hulu is in the process of adapting the book Rodham, an alternate history about former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, into a streaming series. The show will depict the journey of a young Hillary Rodham through a post-WWII America divided between the victorious Axis powers as she searches for a mysterious figure known as “The Man In The High Castle.”

Italian police recently intercepted a shipment of coffee beans from Colombia that had been hollowed out and filled with cocaine. Italian coffee company Lavazza is said to be “furious” about the government’s intervention, alleging it exposed the trade secrets behind its immensely popular ¡Tierra! blend.

When our onsite daycare reopens, we will no longer be playing “good cop, bad cop” with children. Instead, ONLY when necessary, we will be engaging in “community psychological counselor, murderer.”

Amazon has purchased the naming rights to the new hockey venue where the NHL expansion Seattle Kraken will play with plans to call it “Climate Pledge Arena.” The company is encouraging customers to begin saving the boxes in which they receive Amazon packages to be used for the stadium’s retractable roof.

Serial pedophile and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly married, and her husband is rumored to be Scott Borgerson, the CEO of “maritime innovation company” CargoMetrics. Borgerson has been unavailable for comment, but his lawyer has released a statement reading, “Scott has no idea what has been shipped in the countless containers that he has made exponentially more efficient over the years, only that his single biggest client has been Wayfair.”

Did I mention that most people get tested more than once?

And don’t even get me STARTED on schools…

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/15/20

Hello Comrades In Arms/Sympathizers With My Plight,

I would like to announce that, effective immediately, I am resigning from the position of memo writer, which I created several years ago. The climate I have fostered is anti-intellectual and toxic towards myself and everyone else who writes the memo, many of whom hold my same views because they are also me. This has not been an easy decision, and signals major issues in the future not only for me and the company, but for the whole of American Democracy. At best, what we can expect from a world where I were to continue writing weekly memos is mediocrity, and at worst is gulags. Thus, I must hold myself accountable for the actions of others, including myself, and resign immediately. Thank you for your support, and for allowing me to continue to write elsewhere in the future for money provided not by people who dislike me, such as myself, but those who adore me, whom I am certain are out there and were just waiting for this resignation to make their feelings known.

So, for the last time… business.

In announcing his short-lived presidential bid last week, autotune pioneer Kanye West tipped self-appointed “biblical life coach” Michelle Tidball to be his running mate. Tidball, who believes that doing chores can cure mental illness, is also known by her stage name, “Kanye West.”

All-white country group Lady Antebellum, which last month announced its intention to change its name to “Lady A,” is now suing a Black blues singer who currently goes by that name. “Our name was Lady Antebellum for a reason,” band member Hillary Scott said in a recent interview, “and our war has finally come.”

Anna from R&D, your vaccine research looks very promising! When it’s ready, I’d like to stick it into your butt.

Blake Neff, a writer for the Fox News show “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” has resigned after he was revealed to have anonymously written numerous racist and sexist posts on an online forum. Tucker Carlson has since vowed he will never again hire a writer who conceals his identity online.

Florida reported over 15,000 new cases of COVID-19 on Sunday, the highest single day total for any state since the beginning of the pandemic. The increase was attributed to a single, mysterious “Florida man.”

Happy Birthday, Jerry. You are not “a survivor of ageism.”

This week, a former Trump cabinet member told The New York Times that the erstwhile reality show host inquired about “selling” the island of Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria in 2017. Trump reportedly speculated that the island could be “used as leverage to get Hawaii from the Japanese.”

Gary Larson, creator of popular cartoon “The Far Side,” has released his first new work in 25 years. The new cartoon, which is being hailed as “visionary,” depicts two sheep in a field with the caption, “Man, Hal, 2020 is baaaaaad.”

I have heard your calls, and I would like to formally announce that, as of today, we will no longer advertise on Facebook. Instead, we have shifted our marketing strategy entirely to Minecraft, Roblox, and other children’s games, through which the possibility for staggeringly large unilateral purchases by minors using their parents’ credit cards is virtually limitless.

Japanese minimalist housewares brand Muji has filed for bankruptcy. The company has requested that the judge appointed to supervise the proceedings be Marie Kondo.

Filings show that the Catholic Church may have received over $3.5 billion in taxpayer-funded small business aid related to the coronavirus pandemic. The church has released a statement thanking all Americans for their involuntary contributions, adding, “Most of you are still going to hell.”

It has come to my attention that, should I resign, Israel will have no defenders left in the world of writing. Thus, I retract my prior resignation, effective immediately. I would like to thank myself for giving myself back my prior position, though it could not have been filled by anyone else, as I am the way and the truth and the life.

Thank you for your time, attention, attention, and more attention.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/8/20

Dear Online,

I would have sent memos these past two weeks, but I was afraid of getting canceled.

Business!

Students in Tuscaloosa, Alabama have reportedly taken to throwing “COVID parties” in a race to see who can become infected with the virus first. Local teen Sam Duggan called the parties “sick.”

Princeton University is removing former university and United States President Woodrow Wilson’s name from its school of public policy. Princeton, which as of 2019 had a $26.1 billion endowment, said it was “proud to have now done all that we can to combat systemic racism and inequality in America.”

Anna from Sales, congratulations on publishing your latest book, Mulungu, Muluku, and Mungu: The Presence and Power of a Common God in Disparate Bantu Mythologies. You look SUPER hot on the back cover.

An Italian boy who started a website for chronicling miracles before dying at the age of 15 is on track to become the Catholic Church’s “patron saint of the Internet.” The child’s family reportedly objected to the church’s initial title suggestion, “patron saint of young boys.”

Mississippi lawmakers have voted to remove the Confederate “Stars and Bars” from the state flag. The state has yet to decide on a replacement image, but Governor Tate Reeves has said he is considering “anything white.”

Jerry, you were not a student of Mary Kay Letourneau.

Northwestern University researchers have discovered a COVID-19 strain that they believe to be unique to the city of Chicago. Donald Trump has since vowed to send National Guard troops to the city.

The president of the Central Asian nation of Uzbekistan recently signed a “Safe Travel GUARANTEED” decree that promises the equivalent of 3,000 USD to any tourist who gets coronavirus while visiting the country. Travel to Uzbekistan is currently restricted to citizens of New Zealand, Vatican City, and North Korea.

Due to the coronavirus pandemic, Broadway theaters will remain closed through the end of 2020. As a result, Disney Theatrical Group has announced that it will make each of its recent Broadway musicals available to stream on its new service Disney++ for the price of a typical orchestra ticket ($250).

In advance of November’s enormously consequential presidential election, I am pleased to announce our very first company candidate town hall! We will be welcoming Independent candidate Kanye West, who will speak to us about the dangers of vaccines, his on-again, off-again friendship with Donald Trump, and what it was like to  collaborate with God. This event will be held in person on Friday, 7/8 in Conference Room DD, as Mr. West says he already contracted the coronavirus and is immune.

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson has apologized for posting an antisemitic quote from Adolf Hitler on his Instagram story. “I now understand that Hitler represents different things to different people,” Jackson said in a follow-up post. “To me, he’ll always be the adorable goofball from Jojo Rabbit.”

The Indian government has banned TikTok and other Chinese-made smartphone apps after recent clashes between the two countries’ militaries near their disputed border in the Himalayas. TikTok’s creators have since urged Indian teenagers to partake in the “Ghandi Challenge,” for which they starve themselves until the app is reinstated.


From now on I promise to fight, alongside my brothers and sisters who were born into their respective genders, to eliminate any possible instances of hatred, intolerance, and/or bigotry towards me and/or them anywhere on the Internet and/or anywhere else, although where else is there? Nowhere that matters.

-The Chairman

And

Elliot Ackerman Saladin Ambar, Rutgers University Martin Amis Anne Applebaum Marie Arana, author Margaret Atwood John Banville Mia Bay, historian Louis Begley, writer Roger Berkowitz, Bard College Paul Berman, writer Sheri Berman, Barnard College Reginald Dwayne Betts, poet Neil Blair, agent David W. Blight, Yale University Jennifer Finney Boylan, author David Bromwich David Brooks, columnist Ian Buruma, Bard College Lea Carpenter Noam Chomsky, MIT (emeritus) Nicholas A. Christakis, Yale University Roger Cohen, writer Ambassador Frances D. Cook, ret. Drucilla Cornell, Founder, uBuntu Project Kamel Daoud Meghan Daum, writer Gerald Early, Washington University-St. Louis Jeffrey Eugenides, writer Dexter Filkins Federico Finchelstein, The New School Caitlin Flanagan Richard T. Ford, Stanford Law School Kmele Foster David Frum, journalist Francis Fukuyama, Stanford University Atul Gawande, Harvard University Todd Gitlin, Columbia University Kim Ghattas Malcolm Gladwell Michelle Goldberg, columnist Rebecca Goldstein, writer Anthony Grafton, Princeton University David Greenberg, Rutgers University Linda Greenhouse Rinne B. Groff, playwright Sarah Haider, activist Jonathan Haidt, NYU-Stern Roya Hakakian, writer Shadi Hamid, Brookings Institution Jeet Heer, The Nation Katie Herzog, podcast host Susannah Heschel, Dartmouth College Adam Hochschild, author Arlie Russell Hochschild, author Eva Hoffman, writer Coleman Hughes, writer/Manhattan Institute Hussein Ibish, Arab Gulf States Institute Michael Ignatieff Zaid Jilani, journalist Bill T. Jones, New York Live Arts Wendy Kaminer, writer Matthew Karp, Princeton University Garry Kasparov, Renew Democracy Initiative Daniel Kehlmann, writer Randall Kennedy Khaled Khalifa, writer Parag Khanna, author Laura Kipnis, Northwestern University Frances Kissling, Center for Health, Ethics, Social Policy Enrique Krauze, historian Anthony Kronman, Yale University Joy Ladin, Yeshiva University Nicholas Lemann, Columbia University Mark Lilla, Columbia University Susie Linfield, New York University Damon Linker, writer Dahlia Lithwick, Slate Steven Lukes, New York University John R. MacArthur, publisher, writer

Susan Madrak, writer Phoebe Maltz Bovy, writer Greil Marcus Wynton Marsalis, Jazz at Lincoln Center Kati Marton, author Debra Mashek, scholar Deirdre McCloskey, University of Illinois at Chicago John McWhorter, Columbia University Uday Mehta, City University of New York Andrew Moravcsik, Princeton University Yascha Mounk, Persuasion Samuel Moyn, Yale University Meera Nanda, writer and teacher Cary Nelson, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Olivia Nuzzi, New York Magazine Mark Oppenheimer, Yale University Dael Orlandersmith, writer/performer George Packer Nell Irvin Painter, Princeton University (emerita) Greg Pardlo, Rutgers University – Camden Orlando Patterson, Harvard University Steven Pinker, Harvard University Letty Cottin Pogrebin Katha Pollitt, writer Claire Bond Potter, The New School Taufiq Rahim, New America Foundation Zia Haider Rahman, writer Jennifer Ratner-Rosenhagen, University of Wisconsin Jonathan Rauch, Brookings Institution/The Atlantic Neil Roberts, political theorist Melvin Rogers, Brown University Kat Rosenfield, writer Loretta J. Ross, Smith College J.K. Rowling Salman Rushdie, New York University Karim Sadjadpour, Carnegie Endowment Daryl Michael Scott, Howard University Diana Senechal, teacher and writer Jennifer Senior, columnist Judith Shulevitz, writer Jesse Singal, journalist Anne-Marie Slaughter Andrew Solomon, writer Deborah Solomon, critic and biographer Allison Stanger, Middlebury College Paul Starr, American Prospect/Princeton University Wendell Steavenson, writer Gloria Steinem, writer and activist Nadine Strossen, New York Law School Ronald S. Sullivan Jr., Harvard Law School Kian Tajbakhsh, Columbia University Zephyr Teachout, Fordham University Cynthia Tucker, University of South Alabama Adaner Usmani, Harvard University Chloe Valdary Lucía Martínez Valdivia, Reed College Helen Vendler, Harvard University Judy B. Walzer Michael Walzer Eric K. Washington, historian Caroline Weber, historian Randi Weingarten, American Federation of Teachers Bari Weiss Sean Wilentz, Princeton University Garry Wills Thomas Chatterton Williams, writer Robert F. Worth, journalist and author Molly Worthen, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Matthew Yglesias Emily Yoffe, journalist Cathy Young, journalist Fareed Zakaria

Internal Memo for Thursday, 6/18/20

Good Afternoon Recent Graduates,

As some of you may know, I am often asked to speak at commencement exercises for various colleges, universities, and Economics Institutes for Federal Judges. This year, with many such ceremonies happening virtually, I declined, as I would not receive my customary fees and all-expenses-paid trips. This was a heart-wrenching decision for me, as I enjoy nothing more than steeping the young minds of America in her favored ideals of progress, liberty, freedom, economic progress, economic liberty, and economic freedom. In lieu of my usual (poignant and timely) remarks, I will defer instead to my great-great-great-grandfather, who spoke the following words to the Harvard College class of 1895:

Go forth, ye humble souls, and live off of the land. For the land shall be tilled by those less skilled, less gifted, less noble of birth and destiny than yourselves, and they shall happily render unto you what is yours, which is everything but the barest necessities on which they are to live, work, and bear children, who will in time take up the selfsame stations in life upon their parents’ unremarkable demise, never ascending to the heights you have achieved by dint of birth and breeding, not to mention your lofty achievement in graduating from this most hallowed of American universities.

Congratulations, graduates of the Harvard (and Yale, and Princeton) class of 2020: A bright future awaits!

A future… of business!

A Republican state senator from Ohio has been fired from his job as an ER doctor for asking at a recent hearing whether “African Americans or the colored population” are more susceptible to the novel coronavirus because they “do not wash their hands as well as other groups.” “This is just not fair,” State Senator Steve Huffman told reporters in the wake of the incident, “I’ve never met one.”

Scientists stationed aboard the International Space Station have reportedly created a fifth state of matter. The resulting material was discovered through experiments costing a reported $2.5 trillion and has no practical application.

Anna from Analytics, you look so happy in all of your Instagram posts from 2012.

ABC News has placed executive Barbara Fedida on leave after reports of her using racist language on multiple occasions. Many white women have since come to Fedida’s defense, calling her alleged comments “locker room talk.”

The Small Business Administration has declined to identify any of the 4.5 million businesses that have so far received over $500 billion of coronavirus-related bailout funds. “We have a lot of things to take care of before we can release that information,” Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said at a recent press conference, “like secure another $500 billion from taxpayers.”

Jerry, you do not have an adopted Cuban son.

New York University has announced that it will reopen for in-person classes in the fall. Attending students will be required to enroll in the university’s health insurance plan, which diverts all payment for treatment of those who contract the virus directly to the NYU-Langone hospital system.

Standup comic Chris D’Elia stands accused of sexual harassment and pedophilia. In a newly resurfaced video from 2011, D’Elia told E! News that his comedy heroes were “Louis CK, Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein… you know, all the greats.”

Good news, everyone: Our New York City office has been cleared for Phase II reopening! That means meetings of up to 10 people, meals in the cafeteria, and open-mouth kissing (where appropriate).

Adult film star Ron Jeremy has taken to Twitter in an attempt to stop power company Con Edison from cutting down a tree planted by his father outside of his childhood home in Queens. “I cannot let them cut it down!!” Jeremy said in a tweet. “This tree – this very large, girthy, extremely hard tree – taught me everything I know.”

Country music group Lady Antebellum has changed its name to “Lady A.” The band’s members have clarified that the move was not made in response to recent protests seeking racial justice, but as an homage to Senator Lindsey Graham.

Yeah, Great-Great-Great-Grandpa was a great-great-great man.

Never worked a day in his life.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/8/20

Ding, dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch?
The socialist!
Ding, dong, the wicked witch is deaaaaaaaaad

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s morning again in America. With Bernie Sanders officially out of the race for the presidency, our investments in private health insurers, frackers, and defense contractors are set to SKYROCKET just as soon as the weakest among us have been culled by this pandemic. Finally, there is hope of getting somebody in the White House who isn’t just a foulmouthed loose cannon, but also an unrepentant plagiarist, a discreet sexual assaulter, and a hypocritical corporate shill!

Hail to the chief… of BUSINESS.

The CDC is recommending that all Americans wear masks when in public to avoid contracting the novel coronavirus, but Donald Trump has said he will not do so. Many of Trump’s harshest critics have praised the businessman’s “strong, principled decision” on the matter.

New York Knicks owner James Dolan has tested positive for coronavirus. To boost awareness of the virus, Dolan has announced he will be renaming his band to “JD And The State Spike (In Novel Coronavirus Cases).”

Anna from Communications, excellent work convincing the relevant authorities that all of our employees are essential! Now get over here and allow me thank you properly…

The US Justice Department has charged embattled Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro with narcoterrorism. Attorney General William Barr wrote in the indictment that Maduro’s ceaseless trafficking of cocaine and amphetamines “has undermined the transport of important lifesaving drug hydroxychloroquine to Americans suffering from coronavirus.”

In a related story, the US Food & Drug Administration has ordered that heartburn drug Zantac be pulled from shelves immediately, along with any other drugs that are not hydroxychloroquine.

Jerry, your legal name is not “Bhagavan ‘Doc’ Maldonado-Passage.”

New York City’s Governor’s Ball music festival has been canceled to prevent the further spread of COVID-19. Many prospective attendees have said they plan on contracting the virus anyway “to get some sweet scripts.”

Music industry mogul David Geffen opened himself up to criticism last week after posting that he was “isolated in the Grenadines” on his megayacht due to COVID-19. In response to the backlash, Geffen issued a statement saying he was opening his yacht up to all first responders within two nautical miles.

Chag Pesach sameach to our Finance Department!

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has strongly suggested that American citizens abroad return home immediately. American citizens abroad have replied, “No.”

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for coronavirus. Animal rights activist Carole Baskin has offered to adopt the sick animal, telling zoo staff, “I’m sure he’s hungry, and Howard’s really been getting on my nerves lately.”

God, I feel so relieved. Thank you to all those in Wisconsin who died bringing this favorable election outcome to bear.

And hey, it’s almost Easter, so… you never know.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/29/19

Happy Memorial Day, ungrateful millennials! How did you celebrate? I marked the occasion by spitting on the graves of several prominent veterans, then exhuming the body of another and defecating in its mouth.

Business!

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper, made with the meat-free Impossible Burger, will be available nationwide by the end of this year. It is expected to compete directly with McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which also contain no meat.

Since he has been in office, Donald Trump has spent $102 million of taxpayer money on extra travel, much of it to his corporation’s properties. The figure has riled even some conservative groups, who contend Hillary Clinton only would have spent about $100 million on covering up the multiple murders ordered by her and her husband.

Anna from Marketing, love the new hair color! I didn’t know it was safe to dye down there.

Teresa May was forced to step down as Britain’s prime minister last week after failing to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union. May said she was proud of her tumultuous tenure, believing it would bring about “peace in our time.”

Actor Kit Harington, who plays Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, reportedly checked himself into rehab to deal with the show’s conclusion. Following the final episode, he was joined by several thousand of the show’s devoted fans.

Jerry, that’s not the plot of Gorillas in the Mist.

A baby weighing just 8.6 ounces when she was born in a San Diego hospital several months ago has officially been released, making her the smallest surviving baby on record. The child’s parents remain worried about her future, as their insurance only covers babies born heavier than four pounds.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, Disneyland’s latest expansion, is set to open this Friday. According to leaked documents, the attraction will feature everyone’s favorite characters from the Star Wars universe, including Styron Dispassionate, Arkham Stan, and the notorious Corellian bounty hunter Wiernot Eventrying.

REMINDER: In the event of an evacuation, do not use the stairs. They haven’t been renovated in years and are NOT up to code.

In an extraordinary move, Robert Mueller held a press conference today to highlight some of the findings from his team’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. “The Bears are who we thought they were,” Mueller said in the course of his profane and wide-ranging remarks, “and we let ’em off the hook.”

For the first time in the country’s history, Israel’s parliament has voted to dissolve and hold new elections after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was unable to form a coalition government. “We will survive this,” Israeli MP Amir Peretz told reporters Monday, “And then talk about how we did for the next 2,000 years.”

Repeat after me:

YOU DON’T

WIN WARS

WITH AVOCADO TOAST.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman