1/20/17- Congratulations, We’re Fucked!

Good Afternoon,

As you may have guessed from the subject, I am switching gears from my usual internal memoranda in order to address a subject that has been at the forefront of many Americans’ minds over the past couple of months.  I’m referring, of course, to the Indian government’s decision to “fight dark money” by taking 500 and 1,000 rupee bank notes out of circulation.

I can assure you that we are fighting this rash, impulsive action with every resource available to this company.  India has always been one of our greatest allies in business and oppression, and we resolve to continue the free flow of large sums of cash through the streets at any cost.  We will not rest until large currency is back in circulation, ensuring easier completion of DEFINITELY UN-corrupt deals of all kinds for years to come.

Sincerely,

The Chairman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Psst- still there?  Now that the NSA has stopped reading, I can finally address the fake elephant in the room.

Yes, America, you’ve finally done it.  It’s distinctly possible, in fact, that some of you within this company have helped.  Throughout the recent election cycle I tried to remain impartial, only bothering to comment on how boring both VP candidates were or the necessity of hiring paramilitary operatives to aid in an inevitable coup (no matter the result).

Now, however, I can make my true feelings known on whatever the fuck just happened to this country and what it means for the future.

Simply put, I am a businessman.  My political preferences, like my penis, lean more right than left.  I am of course in favor of lower taxes across the board (but much more for the wealthy) and, otherwise, I believe government should stay out of people’s lives and uteri.  Now, some of you sheeple would take this to mean I am an unabashed supporter of the pro-capitalistic (maybe?) neo-conservative (sure!) Donald Trump and his Republican allies.

Wrong.  Loud wrong.  Please refrain from filing an HR complaint when I ask you holy SHIT how in god’s name did you get so fucking wrong?

As the rappers say, let me break it down for you.  As a businessman, my chief aim is always and only business, as in the free flow of goods and services between consenting adults and impressionable young children with a taste for tobacco.  For such business to continue and ultimately succeed, only one component is needed: stability.  You see, I can make money off of anything, and under any set of laws.  Tax me and I’ll put my money offshore.  Regulate me and I’ll charge higher prices.  Break up my monopoly and I’ll buy Pacific Avenue to form a new one.  No amount of government regulation or control short of Stalin-level nationalization can stop this company and its fearless leader from exploit- I mean, advancing the cause of a free and fair market.

At the beginning of this election cycle, there were ~1,000,000 choices of candidates.  On the left there was Bernie Sanders, who never had a shot in hell for many reasons, chief among them that America hates Jews.  There was also Hillary Clinton, giver of Wall Street speeches and arbiter of globalist, Euroliberal steadiness.  On the right there were, in no particular order, Marco Rubio, John Kasich, Chris Christie, Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Big Bird, Scrooge McDuck, David Duke, Jesus Christ, and Donald Trump.  Oh, did I forget Jeb Bush?  Didn’t we all.

The point is, America couldn’t distinguish between the policies of any of these assholes if it tried.  American politics has never been about policies (as 99% of all policy promises are broken as soon as a candidate takes office (Pew International, p. 5)), but this race was especially not about policies.  In nominating Hillary Clinton, the Democratic Party forced regurgitated Robotussin down voters’ throats and, in nominating Donald Trump, the Republicans dropped racist LSD.

Needless to say, American voters (that nebulous group that includes you and several thousand Macedonian teens) were not thrilled with their choices.  On the one hand, they had a woman who vowed to keep the status quo, which for many in middle America means Oxy and STDs, and on the other hand they had Max Greenfield’s character from The Big Short.  One was even-keeled and offered no easily understood solutions for improving the average person’s quality of life, and one was fucked up on gold Krylon fumes and offered a subprime mortgage on a little property known as “America.”

What would you choose?  Well, if you have no money, probably the latter.  If you have a lot of money, probably the latter as well.  Wait a second… how does that work?

Well, “friend,” I’m glad you asked.  It’s because that same subprime lender who promised you two high-flying months followed by a fucked up future also offered us folks at the top of the pyramid scheme a cut of your money.  Not a lot of your money of course (Ha- like you have any), but enough that, when combined with lower taxes and the obscene capital gains we already make (don’t worry, I don’t expect you to know what those are) it allows eight of us to amass more money than the rest of you combined.  It should be nine, but I just missed the cut.  And I mean just.

You see, in a free market, money flows to the top.  Rich people start banks, into which poorer people deposit their money, which is then used to make high-risk, high-reward investments that reward – you guessed it! – us rich people.  If those investments don’t work out… the government makes like Yankee Stadium’s gay grounds crew and rolls out the TARP.

Is this an oversimplification?  Yes.  Do I care?  No.  Am I a Bond villain carelessly explaining my master plan before you somehow get wise and escape just in time to take me down?  Maybe… but you’re no James Bond.  For starters, you’re far too ugly.

So what’s the problem with all this, you ask?  I mean, by all rights, I should be thrilled.

And I am.  A little.

But I’m also (and this takes a lot for a man with three Bentleys to admit) fuckin terrified.

You see, when I first started this company with nothing in my pocket and only a $1,000,000 loan from my father in the bank, I had a dream.  I dreamt that someday our widgets, foodstuffs, and personal care products would hold together machinery, stock shelves and fill bellies all over this great nation.  How was I able to make this dream a reality?

Oh yes, through “hard work,” sure, but also through the collective unconsciousness of a sedate populace.

By electing a megalomaniac with the serious potential to wage nuclear war on both friends and enemies over a perceived slight the size of his hands, we have awoken a sleeping giant.  There are protests in the streets.  I can’t afford protests!  If people are protesting, they’re not working, and therefore people like me don’t make money (oh, and, needless to say, if you protest you’re fired.  This isn’t Woodstock you fuckin hippie).  And, as I laid out earlier, I need to make money to survive.  One of those Bentleys is leased.

The point is that the old adage “the rich get richer and the poor get poorer” is no longer simply an adage, mostly because I don’t know what that word means.  It is a clear and present fact- or, in the words of Tom Clancy, a Rainbow Six.  It is entirely possible that this unbridled deepening of the wealth divide between the haves and the have-nots will spiral out of control and cause some real problems.  I mean, rich people area already taking advantage of their power and influence in horrible, sadistic, satanistic ways.  Hello, ever heard of a little thing called PIZZAGATE!!??FEHFBIESUHUEHHSERE>?!?!JiOJ_+(

So listen up intrepid, loyal, interchangeable members of this company: I’m not pleased.  I wanted America to hum along giving social carrots like gay marriage and gay bathrooms to all, blissfully unaware of the solid gold spur of capitalism crushing the 99% underfoot.  Sadly, that spur is now painfully obvious.  And worse, it’s only gold-plated.  But that will not stop me from continuing to amass pharaohic wealth while bringing you the greatest gift of all: employment.  This company will operate as it always has, without regard for who is in that big White House on Pennsylvania Avenue or the big 9-bedroom house 10 minutes north.  As long as everybody sits tight, does his or her job, and remembers that, above all, I’m the boss, we should be just fine.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish macraméing this life-sized vagina dentata…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 11/5/16

Dear Potential Voters (sorry, janitorial and kitchen staffs),

In preparation for Tuesday’s chaos, I have decided to inundate you with four straight memos chock full of information regarding our country’s future and the policies that will affect your lives (over which you will have no control).  Now that we’re all in agreement that democracy is a farce and the only thing that should influence our votes is money, let’s get to something that will exist until the Earth is forever swallowed up by the sun: BUSINESS.

Federal authorities have alerted law enforcement in Texas, Florida, and New York about possible al Qaeda attacks in advance of election day.  “Please god,” said 53-year-old voter Helen Inman of Queens.  “Does that mean neither one wins?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told advertising trade magazine Adweek that he would’ve run for president had he been born in the United States.  He later added that he wouldn’t have fathered an illegitimate child with his nanny had he been sober.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on making that balance sheet your own!  Remember, numbers are constructs and the laws of our physical world are built on relativity.

A Chinese blogger going by the name Proud Qiaoba recently published a story about a friend who she claims received 20 iPhone 7s from 20 different boyfriends, then sold the phones in order to buy a house.  Donald Trump has since cited the story as further evidence of corruption within the Clinton Foundation.

Some particularly vocal Donald Trump supporters are calling for a repeal of the 19th amendment, which grants women the right to vote.  As a corollary, those same supporters are calling for a 28th amendment which grants men the right to grab pussy.

Thanks for testifying, Jerry.  Big help.

On a recent trip to China, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte announced his country’s “separation” from the United States, calling US President Barack Obama a “son of a whore.”  Duterte has since been hired as a full-time correspondent for CNN.

Actress Susan Sarandon has said she will not vote for Hillary Clinton, stating she does “not vote with [her] vagina.”  “I will not be defined by my anatomy,” Sarandon continued, “I would much rather be defined by my willingness to push America to the brink of a fascist dictatorship followed by nuclear war.  BERNIE 2020.”

I admitted to the $5,000,000 loss several months ago, Your Honor.  Case dismissed?

Melania Trump, whose husband is running for president on an anti-illegal immigration platform, may have immigrated to (and worked in) the United States illegally.  “One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals,” Melania said when confronted with the allegations, “Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.

Islam Karimov, Uzbekistan’s first-ever president and one of Parade Magazine’s “World’s Worst Dictators,” has diedParade has announced that his replacement is uncertain and will be contingent on the outcome of the upcoming US presidential election.

If you think I’m releasing this late at night to avoid scrutiny related to the company’s recent financial missteps, you’re sorely mistaken.  And you’re fired!

That’ll teach you to read.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 7/26/16

Too hot for a memo last week… far too hot.  This week, however…

still way too hot.  Nonetheless: business!

Divergent star Shailene Woodley traveled across country in advance of the Democratic National Convention to canvass for Bernie Sanders.  Woodley, who says she routinely eats clay, is our most predictable actress.

Newly revealed records indicate unpresidential candidate Donald Trump once used money donated to his charity to buy himself a football helmet signed by Tim Tebow.  The purchase ranks as the third-best investment of Trump’s life.

Congratulations to Anna from Legal on taking her latest case all the way to the Supreme Court!  Raccoons ARE people too!!

A new study indicates that people take fewer sick days in states that allow medical marijuana.  The same study shows that work-related accidents in those states are much more frequent.

In further “weed” news, officials in Hugo, Colorado, have determined that the small town’s water supply does not contain THC, as was previously thought.  Thus, in one fell swoop, several disgraced citizens lost their excuse for enjoying The Secret Life of Pets.

Jerry, Philadelphia is not “the poor man’s Cleveland.”

Last week, potato chip giant Lays released four limited-time only flavors, including “Indian Tikka Masala” and “Brazilian Picanha.”  In the wake of the recent leak of Democratic National Committee emails, the company announced a fifth flavor: “Russian Salt.”

Despite myriad other issues facing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has chosen to release a set of new rules aimed at contemplative nuns, those that live in cloistered monasteries and have no contact with the outside world.  Among the important new regulations are “pee less,” “pray harder,” and “stop thinking about sex.”

I just spent a lot of money on this foosball table- you fuckers better use it.

A rare, smelly “corpse flower” is preparing to bloom at the New York Botanical Gardens.  You can watch it live here.

Following a seven-month investigation, the NFL has determined recently retired quarterback Peyton Manning did not take human growth hormone.  Despite the favorable result, Manning has decided to appeal the ruling, saying in a statement, “Anything Tom can do, I can do better.”

I just paid a dog to pee on me.

-The Chairman

PS- Know anybody who’s not on this list?  Invite them to join immediately… or else: http://eepurl.com/HMKYj

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/13/16

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssss… right there, Doris… a little lower… YES.  YES YES YES……………. whoops, sorry, still basking in the glow of my horse’s big win at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.  As a reward, I think I’ll put myself out to stud.  Who wants first dibs?  Business!

Justin Bieber got a new tattoo of a cross on his face.  The singer says the new ink is meant to symbolize his kinship with Jesus, another delusional child prodigy with millions of mindless followers.

Artist and entrepreneur Jae Rhim Lee has created a suit made of mushroomsdesigned to efficiently break down the human body after death.  Lee has said she modeled the suit on New York City, which efficiently breaks down the human body throughout life.

When it finally comes time to pass the torch, I now know whom to call: Anna from Finance!  Anna just made her first million selling digital downloads of her “guided meditations” for $75 a pop!  Now THAT’S a BUSINESSWOMAN.

The United States has sent two F-22 warplanes to Romania.  Or, as Bernie Sanders calls it, Poland.

A gay pastor who claimed employees at an Austin, Texas Whole Foods wrote a homophobic slur on a cake he ordered may have written the word himself.  Jordan Brown, the priest behind the alleged fraud, told reporters that it didn’t matter who wrote the word, the fact that the word exists at all is enough for Whole Foods to owe him “a lot of money.”  An Austin judge agreed, rewarding Brown $3 million in punitive damages stemming from “America’s long history of grocery-related imperialist chauvinism.”

Jerry, Israel exists.  Period.

A former official with the Russian Anti-Doping Agency has revealed that at least four of the country’s gold medalists from the 2014 Sochi Olympics used steroids.  “This is news to you?  Really?” Vitaly Stepanov told The New York Times.  “Oh, I forgot, this is the Donald Trump country.”

A new study shows that occasional fasting can help you live longer.  I TOLD YOU, BRENDA.

It’s Friday the 13th!  Remember, there’s nothing scaaaaaaarier to us hardworking Americans than power-hungry labor unions peddling false promises of “better working conditions.”  BOO.

Disney is reportedly planning to turn its iconic Tower of Terror into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride.  The new attraction will replicate its predecessor’s 199-foot freefall, plunging the audience into a bottomless pit of Chinese Yuan.

Actor Jake Lloyd, most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Following the news, the US government moved the film past the Challenger on the list of “Greatest Mistakes in American History.”

I’ve been told I have a lot in common with horses.  Well, one thing, mostly…

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget, if you’ve missed any memos in the past, you’re at serious risk of being fired (and probably deported)!  Catch up here!

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/7/16

Good Afternoon,

Today, I am racked with guilt.  I had no idea that my April Fool’s prank last week would cause any suicides…

And it didn’t!  April Fools AGAIN.  Ba-ZING.  Killed it.  Nailed it.  To the cross.  Put it on Gesthemane with two thieves.  Took it down and put it in a cave.  Came back and it was gone.  Wrote the Bible.  The rest is history.  JESUS CHRIST I’m good.  BUSINESS!

The Inspector General’s Office of the US Department of Justice has revealed that the Drug Enforcement Administration spent $86 million on a plane that was never used.  The plane was intended for use in Afghanistan, a country that cost $1 trillion and will also likely never be used.

Pritzker Prize-winning architect Zaha Hadid has died at the age of 65.  As a woman in the male-dominated field of architecture, she was most famous for reasons which will soon be forgotten.

Congratulations to Anna from our Chile office on becoming a grandmother for the third time, just shy of her 35th birthday!  Things sure are different down there.

For the second year in a row, a student from Long Island’s Elmont Memorial High School has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seventeen year-old Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna has requested that she be killed very soon in a “carefully orchestrated accident,” so as not to risk further tarnishing her legacy.

Microsoft was quickly forced to delete its latest foray into Artificial Intelligence, a Twitter bot modeled after a teenage girl, after it proclaimed its love for Hitler and incest.  “We here at Microsoft would like to apologize,” the company said in a statement.  “This has been our biggest failure since… what version of Windows are we on?”

Jerry, please stop referring to it as “Old Mexico.”

General Hospital stars Brandon Barash and Kristen Storms are divorcing.  Who?

Bernie Sanders supporter Susan Sarandon recently stopped by MSNBC to declare that she would vote for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton because Trump would “bring the revolution immediately” if elected.  When asked if she would be a target of said revolution, Sarandon replied, “Me?  Please.  I’m far too rich.”

How about that March, huh?  Who knew both lions and lambs laid off their workers?

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has banned all non-essential state travel to North Carolina after the southern state passed a bill discriminatory towards transgender individuals.  In response, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory released a statement reading, “Suck a dick, fag.”

Bernie Sanders has questioned whether fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is “qualified” to be president.  “She’s simply not in touch with the average American,” Sanders said at a recent rally.  “If she walked down Main Street in Burlington tomorrow, would she accept a puff off a one-hitter offered by the local organic spelt farmer?  Would she peruse the Crow Bookshop for tips on cosleeping with a recently adopted African child?  Would she have a threesome with Ben & Jerry?  Break up the banks!”

“Enjoy” the “weekend,” minions!  What Panama Papers?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/2/16

Happy Super Tuesday, Trumpophiles!  Hope you enjoyed yesterday’s zenith of xenophobia as much as I did.  I celebrated in the grand old Washingtonian tradition: campaign-expensed hookers.  Business!

The Church of Latter-day Saints has been instructing members to complete “online missionary work” by giving the Book of Mormon five stars on Amazon.com.  The initiative is part of the church’s controversial new campaign, “Amazon is the new the Amazon!”

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Jennifer Garner calls Ben Affleck “the love of my life.”  In a companion interview, Affleck calls Garner “the love of my life’s former boss.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from Maintenance on 25 years at the company!  That woman sure knows how to polish a knob.

A recent UK study shows that drinking coffee may undo liver damage caused by excessive alcohol consumption.  The study has already led to the deaths of three Bank of America first year analysts, with a fourth in critical condition.

Rapper T.I. has apologized after a radio interview in which he said he could not vote for a woman to be president because women make “rash” decisions.  He later clarified that he meant he would not vote for a woman to be president because several women have given him rashes, in the form of permanent and untreatable sexually transmitted diseases.

Jerry, your grandmother was not “the original Bernie Sanders.”

An Ohio man who fatally shot his roommate and ate part of his brain is up for parole.  His parole is expected to be denied at the present time, but granted next year in Donald Trump’s America! ©

Norwegian teenager Alexandra Andresen has become the world’s youngest billionaire, with a net worth of $1.2 billion.  In a related story, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was seen wandering the streets of Burlington, Vermont late Tuesday night, quietly muttering to himself, “I thought it was a socialist utopia.”

In case you missed it, February was Black History Month!  I know I did.

In the hopes of evening out attendance numbers, Disneyland is introducing surge pricing.  “This is just one more thing we have in common with Uber,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said in a statement, “another company known for its Mickey Mouse practices and arbitrarily high prices.”

Much like last year’s viral phenomenon “the dress,” an Adidas jacket has caused mass disagreement over its color in a picture posted on the blogging site Tumblr.  “I don’t know what you see,” presidential candidate Donald Trump weighed in, “but I see a Muslim Mexican illegal raping an American manufacturing job.”

Aaaaaaaaaaand the polls are officially closed!  Get out of here, minorities!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 2/13/16

Happy Lent, sheeple!  In celebration of our oldest and Christianest holiday, I’ve decided to give up not writing memos for forty days!  No, that doesn’t mean you’ll be getting a memo a day (who has time for that?), but it does mean you’ll be getting them regularly from now until the end of time.  Seeing as North Korea just tested a long-range missile, I should be off the hook soon.  Business!

It was revealed last week that Bernie Sanders is the only presidential candidate who pays his interns, at a rate of $10.10 an hour.  Upon hearing the news, Donald Trump began paying his previously unpaid interns $15 an hour.  When asked about his decision, Trump replied, “I will not be thought of as cheaper than a Jew.”

Japanese decluttering guru Marie Kondo, author of the popular book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, is in New York City this month, filming herself helping local residents tidy their homes.  When asked how she felt after interviewing several prospective clients, Kondo replied, “I’m a little surprised… I’ve never seen so much live-action porn.”

Everybody throw some beads at Anna from Sales!  No, she didn’t flash anyone at our annual Mardi Gras fête, but she did ferry 23 employees with alcohol poisoning to the ER.  Safest year yet!

A team of scientists has announced the detection of “gravitational waves,” the final piece needed to fulfill Einstein’s general theory of relativity.  These particular waves, created when two black holes slam forcefully into one another, were a result of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having sex.

Speaking of West, he and Taylor Swift are at odds again after West raps about having sex with the popstar on his forthcoming album.  As West has yet to release the track in question, there is no word yet on whether or not he lets Swift finish.

After a 408-2 vote in the House of Representatives, the United States Congress has passed new sanctions against North Korea, as the rogue nation continues to develop its nuclear weapons program.  When informed of the bill’s passage, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley exclaimed, “How’d North Korea get two votes?”

Jerry, you did not send HGH to Peyton Manning’s wife.

In one of his final interviews from aboard the International Space Station, American astronaut Scott Kelly said the Earth’s atmosphere looks “very, very fragile,” citing parts of Asia and Central America as the most polluted.  Kelly, who is white, was immediately decried as racist, censured by the United Nations, and jettisoned into the vast nothingness of space, never to return again.

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz recently pulled a campaign ad titled “Conservatives Anonymous” because it featured a former softcore porn actress.  Amy Lindsay, whose onscreen credits include Erotic Confessions,Deviant Whores, and Star Trek: Voyager, lambasted Cruz on Twitter, revealing that Cruz had told her on set that he “had seen all her films” and admired her “perky, elliptical nipples.”

How bout that Super Bowl, am I right?  I mean, was that the Super Bowl or The Wiz Live?  Right?  Formation!

Scottish tennis player Andy Murray became a father this week, when wife Kim Sears gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  The child was due several years ago but, like her father, she took much longer than expected to break through.

January Jones sparked pregnancy rumors by showing up at the Super Bowl with what appeared to be a baby bump.  The identity of the child’s father is unknown, but it has been confirmed that he is a better actor than its mother.

I’m gonna drink a whole lotta Budweiser tonight, that’s for sure.

-The Chairman

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