Today, I am racked with guilt. I had no idea that my April Fool’s prank last week would cause any suicides…
And it didn’t! April Fools AGAIN. Ba-ZING. Killed it. Nailed it. To the cross. Put it on Gesthemane with two thieves. Took it down and put it in a cave. Came back and it was gone. Wrote the Bible. The rest is history. JESUS CHRIST I’m good. BUSINESS!
The Inspector General’s Office of the US Department of Justice has revealed that the Drug Enforcement Administration spent $86 million on a plane that was never used. The plane was intended for use in Afghanistan, a country that cost $1 trillion and will also likely never be used.
Pritzker Prize-winning architect Zaha Hadid has died at the age of 65. As a woman in the male-dominated field of architecture, she was most famous for reasons which will soon be forgotten.
Congratulations to Anna from our Chile office on becoming a grandmother for the third time, just shy of her 35th birthday! Things sure are different down there.
For the second year in a row, a student from Long Island’s Elmont Memorial High School has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seventeen year-old Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna has requested that she be killed very soon in a “carefully orchestrated accident,” so as not to risk further tarnishing her legacy.
Microsoft was quickly forced to delete its latest foray into Artificial Intelligence, a Twitter bot modeled after a teenage girl, after it proclaimed its love for Hitler and incest. “We here at Microsoft would like to apologize,” the company said in a statement. “This has been our biggest failure since… what version of Windows are we on?”
Jerry, please stop referring to it as “Old Mexico.”
General Hospital stars Brandon Barash and Kristen Storms are divorcing. Who?
Bernie Sanders supporter Susan Sarandon recently stopped by MSNBC to declare that she would vote for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton because Trump would “bring the revolution immediately” if elected. When asked if she would be a target of said revolution, Sarandon replied, “Me? Please. I’m far too rich.”
How about that March, huh? Who knew both lions and lambs laid off their workers?
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has banned all non-essential state travel to North Carolina after the southern state passed a bill discriminatory towards transgender individuals. In response, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory released a statement reading, “Suck a dick, fag.”
Bernie Sanders has questioned whether fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is “qualified” to be president. “She’s simply not in touch with the average American,” Sanders said at a recent rally. “If she walked down Main Street in Burlington tomorrow, would she accept a puff off a one-hitter offered by the local organic spelt farmer? Would she peruse the Crow Bookshop for tips on cosleeping with a recently adopted African child? Would she have a threesome with Ben & Jerry? Break up the banks!”
“Enjoy” the “weekend,” minions! What Panama Papers?