Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/20

Thaaaaaaat’s riiiiiiiiight: I’m BACK, BABAY. Fresh off my extended quarantine on the Diamond Princess, I’m here to bring you all up to speed on the myriad happenings of the past couple of months. After a battery of tests, I can officially say that I am now virus-free, though there’s a high probability I infected several hundred persons with whom I came into contact while contagious. The global economy, am I right? Can’t beat it.

But seriously: I’d like to honor the brave men and women lost in our Wuhan office due to massive layoffs. This is another reminder that working from home is never a viable option, and threatens to erode company culture and office morale if practiced for even a day. Just say no (to remote work).

BUSINESS.

Division II Grand Valley State University has suspended the offensive coordinator of its football team after he told the campus newspaper he would like to have dinner with Hitler because, “the way he was able to lead was second-to-none.” Coach Berger has since issued a statement of apology reading, “I clearly meant to say second to our head football coach Mr. Matt Mitchell.”

Ben & Jerry’s has released three new flavors of non-dairy ice cream made with sunflower butter. The company says the flavors are designed for those with “severe taste allergies.”

Anna, I can’t wait to be in you tomorrow!

Since my last missive to you all, Marianne Williamson and Andrew Yang have dropped out of the presidential race. Many Democrats are left wondering which of the remaining candidates will advocate for important ideas like universal basic income and cupping.

Greece is threatening to demand the repatriation of the Elgin Marbles from England as part of Brexit negotiations. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he is open to the idea, “as long as they take the Poles, too.” 

Jerry, you did not star in Parasite.

Among Donald Trump’s recent controversial pardons and commutations was that of Rudy Giuliani’s former bodyguard (and former NYPD commissioner) Bernard Kerik. “Bernie’s a great man,” Trump told reporters Tuesday, “and I couldn’t pardon Rudy yet.”

Right-wing calls for a second Civil War revolving around the term “boogaloo” are gaining traction on some online platforms. Many self-identified members of the “movement” say they’re happy to have online friends.

In honor of the Democratic debate tonight, there’s free candy in Conference Room C! It’s free, but it’ll slowly kill you- just like universal healthcare!

A French amateur soccer player has been banned from competition for five years after biting an opponent’s penis. The victim has said that he blames himself, and that he wishes he’d regarded his opponent’s postgame offer of fellatio with “more suspicion.”

Burger King is announcing the removal of artificial preservatives from its hamburgers with a new ad campaign showing a Whopper growing mold over the course of 34 days. In response, Wendy’s has released an ad based on their longtime slogan “fresh, never frozen” that depicts two cows fucking.

WU-HAN! Got you all in check.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/5/19

Happy Pride Month, Gays! Remember, be complex individuals worthy of the representation you’ve been given in the media or they will TAKE IT AWAY.

Business!

On his state visit to the UK this week, Donald Trump said a Brexit deal was “teed up.” Many were left wondering what Trump has been doing for almost 200 days of his presidency, as he clearly doesn’t understand golf.

Meghan Markle’s ex-husband has remarried, this time to the daughter of a former Countrywide executive. “Her father may not be a prince,” Trevor Engelson said of his new bride, “but he did sell $200 million worth of stock options in a company right before it went bankrupt and helped trigger the biggest financial crisis in decades.”

Congratulations, Anna from Development, on becoming a certified Arbonne consultant! It’s definitely not a pyramid scheme!

Last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in an 8-way tie. The event’s organizers were reportedly “far too bored” to continue.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced its intention to sell CBD ice cream once it is legal to do so. The company will reportedly add the compound to its flavor Chunky Monkey, which already tastes like shit.

Jerry, you did not teach Drake your “technique.”

A right-wing candidate elected to represent North East England in the recent European Parliament elections actually lives in the South of France. “We wanted to elect someone who really represents our interests,” Sunderland resident Ned Dalrymple told UK newspaper The Guardian Tuesday, “to get the hell out of northeast England.”

Corporations paid $91 billion less in taxes in 2018 thanks to the Republican tax bill, and 60 Fortune 500 companies effectively paid no taxes whatsoever. Fearing backlash, many companies have since pledged to donate a tax-deductible .000001% of all future profits to train inner-city youth to respect the ideals of liberty through twice-yearly seminars led by Turning Point USA and The Richard M. Nixon Foundation For A Transparent Government.

Don’t forget: Mauritius is a place!

Elizabeth Warren has promised to push for a new law allowing the indictment of a sitting president if she is elected in 2020. “I have nothing to hide,” Warren said of the proposal, “I swear on my great-great-great-uncle, Sitting Bull.”

A robocall scam purporting to raise money for Donald Trump’s 2020 presidential campaign collected over $100,000 this past January. As Trump has overturned several key statutes related to fraud, the money cannot be returned.

More Dumbledores, please- y’all ain’t even KNOW that boy loved the D.

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/7/16

Good Afternoon,

Today, I am racked with guilt.  I had no idea that my April Fool’s prank last week would cause any suicides…

And it didn’t!  April Fools AGAIN.  Ba-ZING.  Killed it.  Nailed it.  To the cross.  Put it on Gesthemane with two thieves.  Took it down and put it in a cave.  Came back and it was gone.  Wrote the Bible.  The rest is history.  JESUS CHRIST I’m good.  BUSINESS!

The Inspector General’s Office of the US Department of Justice has revealed that the Drug Enforcement Administration spent $86 million on a plane that was never used.  The plane was intended for use in Afghanistan, a country that cost $1 trillion and will also likely never be used.

Pritzker Prize-winning architect Zaha Hadid has died at the age of 65.  As a woman in the male-dominated field of architecture, she was most famous for reasons which will soon be forgotten.

Congratulations to Anna from our Chile office on becoming a grandmother for the third time, just shy of her 35^th birthday!  Things sure are different down there.

For the second year in a row, a student from Long Island’s Elmont Memorial High School has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seventeen year-old Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna has requested that she be killed very soon in a “carefully orchestrated accident,” so as not to risk further tarnishing her legacy.

Microsoft was quickly forced to delete its latest foray into Artificial Intelligence, a Twitter bot modeled after a teenage girl, after it proclaimed its love for Hitler and incest.  “We here at Microsoft would like to apologize,” the company said in a statement.  “This has been our biggest failure since… what version of Windows are we on?”

Jerry, please stop referring to it as “Old Mexico.”

General Hospital stars Brandon Barash and Kristen Storms are divorcing.  Who?

Bernie Sanders supporter Susan Sarandon recently stopped by MSNBC to declare that she would vote for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton because Trump would “bring the revolution immediately” if elected.  When asked if she would be a target of said revolution, Sarandon replied, “Me?  Please.  I’m far too rich.”

How about that March, huh?  Who knew both lions and lambs laid off their workers?

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has banned all non-essential state travel to North Carolina after the southern state passed a bill discriminatory towards transgender individuals.  In response, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory released a statement reading, “Suck a dick, fag.”

Bernie Sanders has questioned whether fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is “qualified” to be president.  “She’s simply not in touch with the average American,” Sanders said at a recent rally.  “If she walked down Main Street in Burlington tomorrow, would she accept a puff off a one-hitter offered by the local organic spelt farmer?  Would she peruse the Crow Bookshop for tips on cosleeping with a recently adopted African child?  Would she have a threesome with Ben & Jerry?  Break up the banks!”

“Enjoy” the “weekend,” minions!  What Panama Papers?

-The Chairman