Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/2/16

Happy Super Tuesday, Trumpophiles!  Hope you enjoyed yesterday’s zenith of xenophobia as much as I did.  I celebrated in the grand old Washingtonian tradition: campaign-expensed hookers.  Business!

The Church of Latter-day Saints has been instructing members to complete “online missionary work” by giving the Book of Mormon five stars on Amazon.com.  The initiative is part of the church’s controversial new campaign, “Amazon is the new the Amazon!”

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Jennifer Garner calls Ben Affleck “the love of my life.”  In a companion interview, Affleck calls Garner “the love of my life’s former boss.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from Maintenance on 25 years at the company!  That woman sure knows how to polish a knob.

A recent UK study shows that drinking coffee may undo liver damage caused by excessive alcohol consumption.  The study has already led to the deaths of three Bank of America first year analysts, with a fourth in critical condition.

Rapper T.I. has apologized after a radio interview in which he said he could not vote for a woman to be president because women make “rash” decisions.  He later clarified that he meant he would not vote for a woman to be president because several women have given him rashes, in the form of permanent and untreatable sexually transmitted diseases.

Jerry, your grandmother was not “the original Bernie Sanders.”

An Ohio man who fatally shot his roommate and ate part of his brain is up for parole.  His parole is expected to be denied at the present time, but granted next year in Donald Trump’s America! ©

Norwegian teenager Alexandra Andresen has become the world’s youngest billionaire, with a net worth of $1.2 billion.  In a related story, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was seen wandering the streets of Burlington, Vermont late Tuesday night, quietly muttering to himself, “I thought it was a socialist utopia.”

In case you missed it, February was Black History Month!  I know I did.

In the hopes of evening out attendance numbers, Disneyland is introducing surge pricing.  “This is just one more thing we have in common with Uber,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said in a statement, “another company known for its Mickey Mouse practices and arbitrarily high prices.”

Much like last year’s viral phenomenon “the dress,” an Adidas jacket has caused mass disagreement over its color in a picture posted on the blogging site Tumblr.  “I don’t know what you see,” presidential candidate Donald Trump weighed in, “but I see a Muslim Mexican illegal raping an American manufacturing job.”

Aaaaaaaaaaand the polls are officially closed!  Get out of here, minorities!

-The Chairman

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