Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/27/19

Good Afternoon Eye Fuckers,

The second Trump-Kim summit starts today! WILL THEY SING SHALLOW??

God I hope so. And then kiss. Finally.

BUSINESS.

The latest reports out of Washington indicate that Attorney General Bill Barr could submit Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian meddling in the 2016 election to Congress as soon as this week. Congress would then be in a position to act on the report’s findings as soon as 2025.

On the eve of the second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un this week in Vietnam, CNN reports that during the first such meeting last year in Singapore, the former told the latter that he had known “plenty of people” from powerful families who had “emerged messed up,” but that Kim “wasn’t one of them.” “You should be glad,” Trump then added, “that your father murdered anyone who could have spoiled you.”

Please join me in congratulating our Employee of the Month for February: Anna from Weather Management! Keep those chemtrails coming (and going)!

A spokesman for the Chicago Police Department said Empire actor Jussie Smollett recently staged a racist and homophobic attack on himself because he was “unhappy with his salary.” Smollett called the assertion a racist and homophobic attack and demanded that his salary be raised.

Potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz has derided Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ plan to abolish private health insurance as “not American.” “What’s she gonna do away with next?” Schultz told CBS This Morning, “war?”

Jerry, we know you loved Green Book.

In his prepared remarks before Congress today, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen said he recalled Trump telling him that the businessman’s son Don Jr. “had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.” Cohen testified that he responded, “Worse than Eric?”, to which Trump replied, “Who?”

Following a recent ban on recyclable imports by China, US cities are sending more and more such materials to landfills and incinerators. The materials will then be burned, releasing into the air toxic chemicals that cause chronic illnesses necessitating pills from bottles made from other recyclable materials, thus completing the recycling process.

PSA: In preparation for a highly likely nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, please watch this video. Individual tortoise shells will be available in the twelfth-floor cafeteria, and if you see a monkey, SAY SOMETHING.

Las Vegas was blanketed with half an inch of snow last Wednesday. The covering was reportedly snorted up within minutes.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been charged with two counts of misdemeanor solicitation in connection with a far-reaching prostitution sting in Florida. Prosecutors have officially named the charges Eli Manning so Kraft can’t beat them.

Every time a nuclear weapon is detonated… a star is born.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/7/18

Olé, fellow Del Toros! (Wo)Man… what an inspiring Oscars. If I learned one thing from the In Memoriam, it’s that straight white men are on the way out!

And taking their place: straight fish men!

What a world. Business!

Porn star Stormy Daniels, who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006, is suing the erstwhile developer. Daniels is reportedly asking for 15 seconds of her life back.

A former Russian spy living in England is in critical condition after being exposed to an unknown substance. Though the incident echoes infamous poisonings of other spies by the Russian government, experts suspect British cooking.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on winning the company Oscar pool! Enjoy your free month of Hulu!

The father of a survivor of the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida reportedly doctored emails to make it seem like CNN scripted a question during a town hall held in the wake of the incident. “The most important takeaway from the horrible attack on our children perpetrated at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas high school last week,” Glenn Haab, father of student Colton Haab, said of the incident, “is that CNN is fake news.”

A man featured in a viral advertisement for a dating site geared towards Trump voters was revealed to have a felony child sex conviction. A subsequent investigation discovered 90% of the site’s users did as well.

Jerry, Get Out is not “the new Birth of a Nation.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly investigating $40,000,000 in suspicious transactions made by former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, including $25,000 spent at New York pharmacy Duane Reade. Manafort initially flagged the charge as fraudulent, but was later found to have purchased 15,000 bottles of Wite-Out.

Gun maker Storm Ruger has been forced to cut 700 jobs due to poor sales. The cuts have caused the retailer to rethink its employee discount.

It’s snowing on the East Coast! Why not curl up with a nice hot mug of baby mice wine! It’s twice as mice©!

An investor group led by women has canceled its plans to buy the former Weinstein Company. “Oh, I’m sorry, Harvey” lead investor Maria Contreras-Sweet said after the announcement, “did we pull out too soon?”

Last week, a church in Pennsylvania held a blessing ceremony for the AR-15 rifle, the same gun used in last month’s school shooting in Florida. The ceremony left four martyred.

And the Oscar goes to… the salmon I ate for lunch!

It’s about time for a sea change…

-The Chairman

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