Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/10/19

Hello Wealthy Acquaintances,

I’ve never met the man. Let’s move on.

Business!

Former independent presidential candidate Ross Perot has died. According to his will, Perot requested to be buried “just close enough to Bush to make him nervous.”

A new law in Mississippi makes it illegal to label non-meat products with terms like “burger” and “hot dog.” In related news, Mississippi has become the first US state to eradicate the opioid crisis.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Payable, for taking a cue from the US Women’s Soccer team and advocating for equal pay within the company! The answer is no.

Scientists have spotted two supermassive black holes that appear set to collide. The Shapiro-Krassenstein debate will reportedly occur in September.

Billionaire hedge fund manager Jeffrey Epstein (whom, again, I barely know), has been charged with sex trafficking involving minors. Epstein has said the women could not possibly have been underage, because “Donald said they weren’t.”

Jerry, we don’t have an “All-Star Break.”

Bay Area congressman Eric Swalwell has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. Swalwell left his mark during last month’s Democratic Debate when he challenged voters to remember his name.

In further 2020 campaign news, California billionaire and Democratic megadonor Tom Steyer is officially running for president. “I pledge to you, the American people,” Steyer said in an introductory press conference, “that I will somehow wind up wealthier when I soon drop out of this race.”

Mark your calendars! On August 5^th, the Westboro Baptist Church will be visiting our offices as part of “Religious Freedom Awareness Week.” Diversity!

Golfer Jon Daly has withdrawn from the upcoming British Open after being denied use of a cart. Open officials have since released a statement clarifying that Daly requested a beverage cart.

NBA Finals MVP Kawhi Leonard has signed with the Los Angeles Clippers. In response, former Clippers owner Daniel Sterling has vowed never to rent a house to Leonard “or anyone who looks like him.”

Who said anything about a private island?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/28/18

Huddle up benchwarmers,

The Final Four is almost upon us! What an exciting (and lucrative!) NCAA Tournament it has been. To replicate the exhilarating nature of this annual event, I’ve seeded all company employees, 1 – 4,096, in a heart-stopping, no-holds-barred, 12-round “Tournament of Productivity©”! Can you believe we have a perfect multiple of 64 employees? What carefully crafted layoffs…

Some of our first-round matchups are quite intriguing- we’ve got Travis from Accounting (a 5-seed) against Mildred the executive assistant (a 1,020-seed), Ghufran from our Pakistan office (a 327-seed) vs. Ruchika from our India office (a 698-seed- that one could go nuclear!), and a possible NAIL BITER between Anna from Sales (a 512-seed) and Anna from Biz Dev (a 513-seed). Then, of course, there’s me (the overall #1-seed) going up against Jerry (who barely squeaked in as the last 1,024-seed). Each matchup will last two hours, and whoever makes the most money for the company during that time wins.

Of course, no one will be compensated.

BUSINESS.

The National Rifle Association has acknowledged that it receives foreign donations, but insists that none of that money goes to election work. “I can promise you that absolutely no foreign money goes towards influencing elections” NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch told reporters Monday. “The bulk of it goes to slandering kids.”

A dog died last week while locked in an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight. The ASPCA has filed suit against the dog’s owners for flying United.

Congratulations, ANNA, on raising almost $200,000 at your annual benefit! Don’t forget, March is National Kidney Month!!

A Texas state representative has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 every time they masturbate. As a preemptive measure, Ted Cruz has left Twitter.

Coca-Cola will experiment with selling alcoholic beverages in Japan. The company’s first offering, “Coke Happy Tricky Fun Explode!”, is a proprietary mix of sake and aspartame.

Jerry, stop intimidating mothers in the parking lot.

Ben Affleck has admitted that his giant back tattoo of a phoenix, which the actor once said was faked for a movie, is real. The tattoo represents the Affleck family’s second-worst decision after Casey.

Two travelers who met on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Cancun were caught having sex in the airplane’s lavatory. The woman has been banned from all future flights on the airline, while the man has been given several forceful high-fives.

Third floor… WATCH OUT! Fumigating!

A former professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. If elected, Lindsey Graham will return to the House, where he served from 1995 to 2003.

The New York Yankees had planned to imprint players’ faces in beer foam during the upcoming baseball season before finding out doing so would violate league rules. Instead, the team will sell anatomically correct hot dogs.

NO BETTING.

… except on me.

-The Chairman